Our Last Ride

She would think it is a gorgeous day. The sun is high and shining hot, with not a cloud to cover. A slight breeze tickles my neck. This is how she would expect the first day of summer to feel. Beautiful and inviting. She never stopped talking about weather like this, how the sun could grow endless flowers and vegetables for us to snack on. But instead of enjoying this beautiful day together, breathing in the fresh air that the wind carries, I am attending her funeral, alone. Tears run as the memories of our past years together play in my head. The pain of her loss makes my heart feel a deep bruise that will never heal. I miss her, I miss her so much. 

The balcony door slides open, accompanied by footsteps. Before I know it, Mom is hugging me in the tightest bear hug she can manage. The tears I have been fighting so hard to hold back flood down my face. I am gasping for air as I cry, trying to make sense of it all.

“ I can't do this, Mom,” I pleaded, looking up at her as tears refused to quit. All she does is hug tighter. There is nothing really for her to say. My best friend is dead, and it is my fault. 

1 Week Earlier

I’m zoning out on the clock as Ms. Dumphry continues about something to do with…hydrogen? Oxygen? I’m not sure.

“ Maileigh,” I hear my name, but that clock is moving too interestingly. “Ms. Maileigh,” Ms. Dumphry says louder this time, pulling me out of my void of a daydream. I sit up a little straighter as my eyes dart in her direction. 

“Yes?” I mutter, voice a little shaken. I look around to see all of my classmates looking directly at me. I shrank down from the once-perfect posture I have been trying to maintain and reached for my bracelet. 

“Just want to keep you focused,” she eyes me, turning back to her lecture. I simultaneously pull out my phone to discover it is flooded with messages.

GIRL

 I’m so hungry, and Mr. Forrester is making english sound like another language 

Plz send help

Plz

Like seriously plz

I can't do this

Take me awayyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Also

What do you want for lunch today?

Ur treat?

Yes yes

-- god Hanna ur so annoying

-- and idk, what u in the mood for

Hmmmmmmmm

chinese?

-- you want to drive off campus…

-- You know we aren't allowed to do that right

Omg mai live a little we are going to be fine

-- Whatever just don't get us caught

SWEET, meet at my car at lunch bell just sneak out the back doors

No one will see u

I giggle at our little chat as I remember that I am still in class, Ms. Dumphery turns her head looking around…oops.

…

After seemingly hours of chemistry, the lunch bell rings. I don’t think I am hungry, but my stomach lets out a loud enough grumble for the entire school to hear, protesting otherwise. I check my phone again, wondering if Hanna has said anything else, but my messages remain empty. I have a slight pit in my stomach. I am not sure whether it is my intense hunger or Hanna insisting we leave campus for lunch, again. 

 There are reasons why the school has a no-drive rule for lunch. Hanna never cares about rules. 

“Rules are for the lame, Mai,” she side eyes me. My eyes couldn't roll farther back if they tried.

Present Day 

We arrive at the cemetery before most others. I sit in the passenger seat, just observing. They have set it up beautifully. The chairs are lined in rows of five, all decorated with pink silk covers. No one is here yet except for her parents. I make eye contact with her mom, and I immediately look away in shame. We shouldn’t even be here; we should be at the beach talking about boys and getting ready to go to college in the fall. Darkness floods my system again, bringing along tears that beg to fall. My breathing hitches. I see the hole they have dug out for her, the place she will remain forever, and before I know it, I am in a full sob. 

Mom looks over at me, face flushed, her eyes heavy. 

“Are you ready?”

No. I’ll never be ready to say goodbye to the person who never failed to put a smile on my face, the girl who waved to me with her big, bright smile the first day of kindergarten, the girl who would never let me be alone on the playground, who always made sure I was okay before anyone else.

 Never be ready.

1 Week Earlier

I am walking towards the back doors of the school when I find myself launched forward by a person who I am convinced is trying to maul me. But it's just Hanna.
Her petite stature and her small height of five feet are deceiving for the amount of brute force she can exert. 

“Oh my god, Hanna, jesus I almost fell,” my heart trying to find its normal rhythm again. 

“Come on, Mai, I’m so hungry, and I want Chinese NOW. Stop whining and get walking,” she says with a giggle. I roll my eyes at her; she is so annoying, but I love her too much to care. 

I creep out the back door as if I am a raccoon creeping into a garbage can, but of course, Hanna, loud and proud as she is, could wake a sleeping village with her steps. Not a care whatsoever. 

“Could you at least try to be quiet, god, it's like you want to get caught,” I huff.

“Mai, we aren’t going to get caught, getting caught is for losers, and I am most certainly not a loser.” 

“We literally have been caught twice.” I remind her.

“Yeah, and guess whose fault that was?” she says with her big, wide green eye looking directly at me.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know it was an emergency exit,”  looking down at the guilt surrounding me.

“Twice, Mai, you did it twice…” she says with a smirk.

Present Day

As mom and I walk up the aisle to our seats, I can’t help but notice only the ground. With each step I take, the heavier my legs feel. We have only been walking for thirty seconds, but it feels like I have been walking a lifetime, each step dragging into the next. My breathing gets heavier at the feeling in my feet, and I can feel my hands trembling. My face is crusting with dried tears, and my nose is running rivers. I look like a mess, I am a mess. She isn’t here yet, though. 

When we finally reach our seats, Hanna’s mom, Mrs. Anstie, walks up to us.

 No. No, I do not want to talk to her. 

Why does she even want to talk to me? She greets my mother and I with a hug, squeezing me extra tight.

“Thank you for being here,” she says as she brings Mom in for a hug.

“There is nowhere else we would rather be than right here,” Mom whispers, holding her hand. I just keep my head down. There is nothing to say, I don’t even know what to say, how do you look a mother in the eyes when you know you are the reason their child isn’t still here. 

Mrs. Anstie takes my hand and guides my face to meet hers.

“She would have been so happy you came, she loved you so much, nothing would have changed that,” she says to me with a sad smile. A hot tear leaves my eye, and I nod, my lip quivering. 

She eventually turns away to go talk to the priest, and then I am left back alone with my thoughts. I pull out my phone, attempting to distract myself, but there is nothing there for me. No texts from Hanna, no missed FaceTime calls, insta dm’s,  snaps, nothing. At least nothing worth looking at. 

1 Week Earlier

We are swiftly walking to her car to avoid getting caught by any means necessary, ducking under windows, hiding behind bushes, and being as low to the ground as possible while also having the ability to walk. 

“Come on, Mai, could you be any slower? My car is literally a hundred feet away, and we aren’t even halfway there because of your slow ass. How do you have long legs and still manage to be slow? Its kinda embarrassing, lol,” she says as she is walking backwards.

“I’m sorry, I’m trying.” I am already tired from moving at all. 

Her baby pink Honda Civic sits right in the middle of the parking lot, just waiting to be caught. Of course, she insisted on getting the most obvious colored car in existence, making sneaking out even harder. I pick up my pace, closing the distance finally. 

“Mai, I love you, but if we are going to keep doing this, you need a bit more pep in your step. We can't risk getting caught again.” 

“I’m sorry, okay? Can we just go, please? I am STARVING,” I say, my stomach confirming my words. Hanna gives me a look of agreement and starts her car. 

Present Day

She’s here. Her car has arrived, and it isn't her pink Civic. What I would do to be in the car with her again. My heart is racing, and all of a sudden I feel lightheaded. All of the little color that I had in my face is gone. My mom takes my hand and squeezes. I look over at her, and she replies with a smile. 

They start to take her casket out of the car, place her on this device that I think lowers her down when we are done. I stand up, getting ready to walk over to decorate her casket, but my legs remain motionless. They refuse to walk forward. I try, but I'm stuck in a wave of distraught where I can’t see the end. 

“Maieligh,” Mom says softly, “Go to her.” I blink and take a deep breath, one foot in front of the other. I make my way to her, slowly, and I grab the sunflowers that we hand-picked for her and set them around the perimeter of her casket. My emotions are fragile enough that even the wind could snap me. The rest of the sunflowers sit on top, and I began placing the sea rocks she had collected around the same way. I realize that the sea rock I found when we went to Morocco, the one I painted and gave to her in eighth grade, is in here. The light in her eyes when I gave it to her is something I can only hope I see from her again in my dreams.

1 Week Earlier

I’m watching out the window at the scenery that passes by. We kinda live in the middle of nowhere; all that is around is flower fields, corn, a singular grocery store, and about five little family restaurants that surround the school. We would always talk about how we want to live in the middle of nowhere, but more secluded than what we currently have. 

The drive out to Chinese food is at least a fifteen-minute adventure, lunch is only forty…

“Look, it's the sunflowers,” I say, smiling at them as they pass.

“EEEEE OMG I LOVE THEM THEY LOOK SO PRETTY TODAY,” her eyes gleaming. “That’s what we’re going to have one day”

“What do you want to eat? I am ordering now,” I say, opening their app. 

“Sweet and sour chicken with noodles, never changes.”

In the middle of ordering our food,  I get a text from Savannah.

They saw you guys leaving

-- What?

-- Who?

Principle Myers

He saw you guys running over to Hanna’s car

My stomach drops directly to my asshole. 

“FUCK” I yell, scaring Hanna. 

“WHAT?” She practically jumps. Staring at me like I’m clinically insane.

“Look.” I turn the phone, showing her the text message. I hold it up to her face, she takes a second to look at it, and then side-eyes me. 

“Who cares about Principle Myers say—” she begins before I let out a blood-curdling scream.

“Oh my god! Mai, what?!” turning her attention back to the road. Before we can react, we run a stop sign, seconds from hitting the person passing in the intersection. Hanna screams, hits the brakes hard, and swerves around the car. We get jolted to the side, and all of a sudden, we are flipping.

We are both screaming in fear, things are flying everywhere, my mind is everywhere and nowhere at the same time. 

“ I love you,” Hanna screams, and then I am out. 

…

I blink my eyes open slowly. It's not clear, but after a few more blinks, it is. I hear beeping. I look around. Am I...in the hospital? I shoot up, my head throbbing. I look around, scanning for Hanna, but my eyes landed on Mom.

“Where’s Hanna?” I say, panicked.

Mom looks at me with a face I haven't seen her wear since Grandma died. My heart is beating violently. My hands feel clammy, and the world starts to shake.

“Mom, where is Hanna?”

“I’m so sorry, honey.” 

“Sorry for what?” she looks at me with sympathy, “sorry for what, Mom!?”

She pauses for a moment

“Hanna’s gone, honey.”

The air grows thin, and my lungs freeze. 

“What do you mean she is gone?” begging for an explanation 

Mom takes a hitched breath, “Hanna is dead, sweetheart.”

“Dead?  Hanna… Hanna is dead? No, no, she can’t be. We were just going to chinese, we were just getting lunch. Wha…, she can't be dead, Mom, please tell me she isn’t dead.” I am trying to catch my breath, but all the oxygen has left the air. She just looks at me with sad eyes, and then I know… she isn't lying. Pain like I’ve never felt stabs through me like a tsunami crashing on a shore. My best friend, the only one I have ever loved, is gone. 

Because of me. 

Present Day

Nothing hurts more than holding back tears that fight tooth and nail to fall out.

 She’s gone. I remain buckled around her casket, unable to move. How am I supposed to do this without her? How am I supposed to walk in graduation without her next to me? The one who chose me, the one who made me feel like I am someone and mean something, the one who has never left my side, no matter how or who I was, or what mood I was in. How do I live without my other half? 

My head is throbbing, I’m not sure if it is from the concussion or my ladder of pain. Mom comes up behind me, rubbing my back. 

Why couldn't it have been me instead? Why am I not the one in this casket? Hanna had so much more to live for. She was about to go to Harvard in the fall, studying agriculture, the only thing she has ever wanted in her entire life. The only dream she would never stop talking about. Building a farm in the middle of bum fuck nowhere, growing a sunflower field and vegetables. She wanted a farm share where people would come and buy her crops. She wanted chickens, Millie, Mary, and Moe. She will never get any of that. We will never get any of that.

1 Week Earlier

“How?”

“After you guys flipped, her car hit a tree,” she pauses, taking in a sharp breath, “the impact broke her neck. She died instantly; she didn’t feel any pain” 

Shock.

 Broke her neck? Hit a tree? How did I make it out with barely a scratch, and Hanna is dead? How am I able to wake up, move my arms and legs, and she gets to be buried. A million questions race through my head, but there will never be a right answer for any of them. Ill never see Hanna again.

Present Day

People have finished gathering in Hanna’s service, and there isn’t enough room for the number of people who are here. Hanna was loved by so many, mainly through her endless clubs that she tried desperately to get me to join. I should have, I would have known these people better. Many stand in the back as I turn to see all of them, and they all look back at me with sad eyes. They must know who I am. Guilt floods over me. Hanna was right, I should have taken her advice to join, maybe I would have some friends who could help me through this. The service begins with a prayer. Hanna wasn’t religious, but I guess I understand. Midway through the prayer, my ears ring, and everything around me gets muted. I look around, the priest is still talking, everyone is still following with the prayer, but I can’t hear them. Panic sets in, but then a wave of calmness floods my system.

“You’re going to be okay, Mai.” I turn my head so fast I give myself whiplash. 

No. It can’t be. 

“I love you”

My whole body jerks. An ocean of tears wells up in my eyes, and my heart skips. It’s her. I hear her. 

“Hanna?” 

I say under my breath. I look around to clarify that I am not hearing things. I wait a second for a reply. Instead, a purple dragonfly flies in, landing on my knee, looking right at me. Staring at me with a familiarity that is too obvious to ignore. All the emotions stored come crashing out as I play with our matching bracelets. With every ounce of my soul, I know it's her saying goodbye. 

“I love you, Hanna.”