Only in ‘Murica

America, the great experiment turns 250 today. For the people, by the people! (Waves tiny flag)

But we all know that ain’t true (hiccup). First it was just for RICH WHITE MEN. Then they added POOR WHITE MEN. Then they added BLACK MEN, NATIVE MEN, IMMIGRANT MEN. Then they added WOMEN. Then they added anyone OLD ENOUGH TO DIE IN A WAR for this country. A series of amendments to the constitution.

America didn’t just GIVE voting rights to these groups. No, each of them FOUGHT HARD and many DIED so they could have a seat at the table. And these voting rights amendments were decades apart. Progress was slow as fuck! And still to this day, the RICH WHITE MEN at the top keep trying and sometimes succeeding to nullify these rights with crooked voting laws and reddishr (hic)…Redisnik (hic)…Redristin…(hic) GERRYMANDERING! You know, they fuck with the lines on the maps.

(Mooning crowd) REDISTRICT THIS, YOU FASCIST TOADS!

And who are we left with still selfishly running this country the same way they always have? RICH WHITE MEN and their NASTY ORANGE CLOWN! The rest of us get fucked! They own every branch of government. Effectively turning this country into an exclusive, members only club for racists, misogynists, and homophobes. They’re supported by brainwashed idiots who continue to vote against their own interests because they believe in white supremacy and find immigrants a convenient scapegoat for their misery.

And here’s the saddest part. (whispering loudly) WE ARE ALL COMPLICIT. We should be striking, taking to the streets, sharpening the guillotine for these HUGE BUSINESS MONOPOLY DICKHEADS! They’re not creating jobs, so much as they are exploiting people and destroying the planet. They are a scourge on humanity and we just let them do it to us generation after generation. Land of the free, HA! You sure about that?

Sorry I ruined your party, Grandma.

Uh, cheers, I guess. (Lifts bottle of liquor and takes a long swig).