No Destination

Wearily, I opened my eyes. I could hear the steady bleep of machines and as I looked up, my vision came into focus. The room was dark, but in the faint ambient glow I could see a ceiling of bland plasterboard tiles and an array of tubes dangling down from a metal stand holding a pouch of liquid. I tried to look around but my head couldn’t move, sandwiched in a brace to keep my neck still. I looked down at my body. Wires stuck out of me and I was wearing a pale blue gown. My eyes strained to the side, following the wires to a large machine which seemed to be the source of the bleeping. A green light flashed in a steady rhythm. I was in hospital, but what had happened? Slowly my memory came back to me.

We had been riding on our motorbike together. It was a clear day and the sun was shining as we cruised through the winding country lanes. It was the start of a beautiful weekend away and I had never been happier. Charlotte's arms were around my waist and I had been smiling underneath my helmet. In that moment I knew I would ask her to marry me.

Charlotte. Where was she? I tried to call for help. My voice was weak and barely made a sound. I reached out, using every ounce of my strength to press a button for assistance. A few moments later, a nurse glided into the room and stood at the foot of my bed, a gentle smile on her face.

“Is everything alright?” She asked.

“Where is Charlotte? Where is she?” My voice was hoarse.

The nurse’s face dropped as she looked away, trying to find the words, unable to disguise her sadness. She slowly walked round to the side of the bed and held my hand. “I’m sorry Alex. She didn’t make it.”

I looked away, staring at the ceiling as my mind swirled. I thought of all the moments we had shared together. The first date at the coffee shop where I made her laugh with my terrible jokes as we ate cake, our first kiss on the banks of the Thames at night with the glimmering lights of The City illuminating the water, the day we went to the Christmas fair and I’d won her a giant teddy bear on one of the games. I had never loved a woman as much as I loved her.

Weeks passed, visitors with flowers came and went, but they were all a blur, my mind and body numb to it all as I lay in that bed, slowly recovering from my injuries. I thought back to what happened. We had gone round a corner at speed and a lorry was coming the other way, not paying attention and taking up the middle of the road. I’d swerved to get out of the way, but it was too late. I had blacked out on impact.

The doctors told me I was lucky that I hadn’t broken my spine in the accident. “Lucky.” I thought. I didn’t feel lucky. They told me I had been airlifted to the specialist hospital.

Lying there in my bed, wires all over me, I wished I was dead too. Then I wouldn’t have to deal with the grief, the sorrow, the anger that I felt that she had gone instead of me. She was, she had been, my soulmate.

---

How does one search when one doesn’t know what they want to find? I wandered the streets of London. It had been five hours since I left the hospital and I was a lost soul, drifting through the streets, a feather on the wind, flowing with the current of people as they made their way from A to B.

I felt a light spattering of rain on my face, mingling with the tears silently rolling down my cheeks. The noise and fumes of the city became overwhelming. The traffic droned incessantly, horns blared in the distance and sirens wailed. The night was drawing in and lights flashed all around. I looked up and the sky was grey. I knew I had to escape.

I walked through the open entrance of Kings Cross Station, the high-vaulted ceilings stretching away into the distance. A bubbling crowd of people criss-crossed in different directions, pulling suitcases along and kissing their loved ones goodbye as they rushed to catch their trains. I realised that I never got the chance to say goodbye to my love. She was gone, and she wasn’t coming back. I stood there, numb, looking around. I saw a young man run up and kiss his partner, and I stood, staring, as my eyes glistened and my lips began to quiver. The tears began to flow as I dropped to my knees and looked up at the departures board. I didn’t know where to go. With Charlotte gone, I had no destination.