Nighttime – Intrusive Thoughts

Nighttime – Intrusive Thoughts

I see you sitting in the corner, watching me, wondering if I’m intimidated by you. I hope that corner is cozy, because you will not be let out. You love to bother me at night, right when I’m on the brink of sleep. I can feel you come close to me, but I won’t let you intrude. I know you are a part of me, but I rebuke you. Stay in that corner; nobody wants you. You take a part of me, but I don’t want any part of you.

I keep you at bay, but you know my weak moments, and here you come, invading all the dark spaces and whispering in the corners of my still hesitations. You are where my dreams and secrets collide. Sacred vows to God, prayers unspoken, and sounds I try to ignore in my mind. Why do you insist on rattling my soul in the quietest moments of my fragile innocence?

All these unsolicited paths lead to delusion and nonsensical existence. Secrets that haven’t happened and lies that haven’t been told. Suffering gloom and doom, you linger so effortlessly. Embarrassing situations, hard memories, puzzling instances. Screams of silence, an empty stares into the distance. Exhausted sighs, tears shed, love lost, and absent regards.

I lay here sleepless, restless, and confused, wondering why you taunt me. My mind is blown by the contemplations we share. I can’t believe we come up with such foolery and nervy phantasms. Visions of my alternate being rest here, confidence I didn’t know I had. Fabrications of my nature, fears in my spirit, thrive in that corner from which you monitor the real me.

Wait? am I the real one, or are you? Pensive waves of grave consequences. Contemplating realities, unnecessary discussions with you. Preconceptions looming, a moonlit, gloomy silhouette gazing at my peace. You dwell in the feeling of missed opportunities, the should haves, could haves, would haves. Hindsight ridicules me like a stalker. And you are the pep talks I give to my low self-esteem.

Why are you here, harassing my psyche? You can’t stay here; you are a threat to my welcome friend, Bliss. Bliss offers me tranquility; in Bliss, I can just be. All you suggest is unrest, turmoil, and commotion in my mind. I am fighting myself, but I am you, total insanity. Outer-body experiences of altercations that are unhinged.

I must pray you away, but you intercept those prayers like an offensive lineman. I try to remedy my troubles with hypnotic tonics, tablets, and ointments. But just because you interfere with my rationality does not mean you hold authority over my self-consciousness. Keep your brain rot and commiseration. I am in pursuit of euphoria. I am only receiving complimentary notions now, no more irrational fables told in the back or forefront of my mind.

A siesta, a respite, soon to scare you off. Slacking will be what I am tackling as I drift into a deep slumber. No longer a contender in this drag race of burnout. I will conquer the disruption of my regularity, my normalcy. I will regain nirvana. All this hostile energy will cease. Insignificance will take an intermission on my way to a harmonious passage of calming my brain.

I have to say, “Intrusive thoughts, you had me on the hook, and you didn’t miss a punch. It wasn’t a TKO, though. Just because I surrendered doesn’t mean the battle is over. Thank you for giving me grace. Maybe it’s just me holding on to agony. We can call it a truce—only if you promise to be silent for the night.”