Neon

Ari woke to the certainty that something was missing. When she opened her eyes and blinked through the blurriness and crust, something was missing. When she sat up in the hospital bed and the blanket pooled around her waist, something was missing.

“You’re up,” said a voice to her left. Ari turned to see a haggard young woman in blue scrubs sitting in the plastic chair next to her bed. The woman’s vibrant green hair was in box braids, gathered up on top of her head in a knot to keep it away from her face. Her hands shook as she hesitated to reach for Ari. Yhara said the empty part of her mind. Her hands should be steady. The sensation of missing got worse. “How are you feeling?”

Ari blinked and felt her left eye struggle to focus. A sort of spinning sensation as the point of clarity moved through her depth of vision. She waited for it to settle before replying. “Off, I think. Something is missing. You’re Yhara.”

Yhara’s hands curled into fists before falling to her lap. She looked a little deflated. “That’s right. Do you know what happened?”

Ari's brow pinched with pain when she tried to furrow it. She brought her hand to rub at the spot where it hurt, just under her browbone, where she encountered a seam where her flesh met a smooth metal plate. Flashes of a memory floated from the hole in her mind. Yhara sitting in front of her on a motorcycle as they sped down a road; suddenly being weightless as she was thrown; her skull hitting a wall or a pipe.

Ari blinked again to settle her mind, then looked back at Yhara. “I got hurt. In a motorcycle accident. You were there. Do we know each other?”

Yhara smiled weakly and touched her chest in a familiar gesture. “We do actually. We’re together." They were? "But don’t worry about that right now, it’ll come back with time. You’re already remembering.” No, she wasn’t touching her chest. She was touching a plain copper locket, fashioned in the shape of a heart. When Ari’s eyes blurred, it faded into the rich tones of Yhara’s skin, shining coppery under the lights. “The accident caused irreparable damage. We had to buy some replacement parts.”

“My left eye, right?” asked Ari.

“And some parts of your brain,” said Yhara. “It’s probably why you’ve lost your memory. Not everything has settled into place. It’ll take a while, but your memories will come back. Don’t worry. Do you remember your name?”

She nodded. “Yes, it’s Ari.”

Yhara smiled for real this time, then twisted and reached into a backpack at her feet. “The hospital is ready to discharge you, so I brought you some clothes from home.” She straightened and stood up, holding a bundle of black clothes. “They’ll probably be more comfortable than what you've got on."

Ari looked down at the papery shift she was wearing. It crinkled and scratched when she moved. Ari looked back up at Yhara. “Thanks.”

---

The clothes felt comfortably alien over Ari’s skin. The pants were heavy and black and covered in pockets. The sports bra was black with neon green seams. So was the fashionably cut up shirt. Half of Ari’s head was shaved in a way that looked distinctly medical, highlighting the metal plating that formed into the top of a cheekbone, the dip of an eye socket. It reached over her browbone and up into her skull, her temple. The eye itself was hidden behind the folds of a metal eyelid shaped just like her old one, but the eye itself was a piercing neon green. The image was foreign and a little frightening.

The places where flesh and metal met hurt when she touched them, and somewhere inside her head ached deeply, but the pain was muted behind the drugs she had been given. Ari chewed the inside of her cheek, a habit she remembered when she found the lines of scarring inside her mouth. Something was still missing, the feeling weighing on her like the ever-present ache in her head. It would lessen when she remembered something, but then return with greater force when her mind settled and the vast sea of information she didn’t know came into greater focus. The empty hole in her mind gaped like a wound she couldn’t find on her body.

Ari curled her fingers over the ceramic sink basin and counted out her breaths. It must have been something she did often before the accident because it came naturally, just like walking or talking. Ari counted out her breaths until they started to come easier, and when they did, she stood back up and brushed her remaining hair from her eyes. It fell in what probably used to be a sharply cut black bob, but it looked silly with half the blunt bangs shaved off. Yhara had been kind enough to include a beanie in the bundle of clothes. She stared at it, willing the empty space to give her any memories, but nothing came. She put on the beanie and wondered if she looked like herself. Maybe Yhara could tell her. She had said they were together.

Ari opened the door of the bathroom and found herself looking to Yhara, who was standing at the window, the blinds pulled up to let the neon lights of the city spill over her face like oil. She had changed from her scrubs into street clothes similar to Ari’s. Across the room, the corners of Yhara’s lips were pulled just slightly downwards, the way they always did when she was worried or unsure. Suddenly, the empty place in Ari’s mind pushed forward a thousand images of Yhara standing just like this, the lights dancing on her cheekbones, her eyelids, her nose.

Yhara turned and saw Ari, then made an affronted face. “You’re staring.”

“You’re really pretty.”

Yhara’s face turned surprised in a way that made Ari’s mind buzz with satisfaction. Yhara turned away quickly, hiding with the excuse of grabbing her backpack. “You always say things like that!”

Ari smiled and followed her towards the door. “Do I? Does it always make you blush?” The teasing came naturally. Maybe they had been together.

Yhara made a sound of indignation and escaped into the hallway, and when Ari caught up with her, she seemed to have regained her footing.

“I was thinking,” said Yhara, “since usually it helps to go to familiar or important places when you’re trying to get memories back, do you want to go around town and see if anything jogs your brain? Only if you’re up to it.”

Ari thought of the gaping absence that was floating behind her eyes. “Yeah, I think that’s a good idea.”

---

Yhara’s motorcycle was wideset and sleek. The rims and detailing were glowing with the same fluorescent lime green as Yhara's hair and Ari’s clothes. As Yhara drove them through town, Ari saw that same green piped like veins all over the city, in cafes and clothing shops and apartment buildings. Holographic projections were advertising glowing green tattoos and green household appliances. The empty squirmed in Ari’s head.

When Yhara turned off the main road, Ari didn’t recognize the side streets or the back alleys they drove through. Still, the wind biting her cheeks and the warm pressure of Yhara’s back against her chest was familiar. Ari leaned against Yhara and watched the glassy buildings of the main roads turn slowly into rough concrete and steel, connected only by neon green lights and holograms.

Yhara pulled over to a parking meter and hopped off, locking up the bike and feeding the meter some coins. It made a horrible noise but produced a ticket that Yhara shoved under the small glass windscreen.

“C’mon,” said Yhara, grabbing Ari’s arm and pulling her towards a door wedged between two shops in a large commercial building. Above the door was a sign spelling out Briar with that same neon green light. “You used to come here all the time while you were in school. Said it was a good place to study.”

Yhara pushed the door open, revealing a narrow, dark staircase leading down underground. The stairs creaked and groaned when they walked down, and Ari was about to ask to leave when they rounded the corner and were greeted by a shiny bar. A smattering of tables were illuminated by roses that glowed neon green. The few patrons scattered among the tables were lit eerily with green light.

The empty part of Ari’s mind ripped her into memories of sitting at those tables and leeching off the free wifi as she poured over notes for a class she hated. Then Yhara was sitting next to her, and they were eating small waffles and drinking iced coffee while they complained about the state of society. Then she was on the phone with her dad, listening to him apologize for not making it to their meeting. Then she was applying for jobs she was sure she was going to hate. It was all lit by the glow of neon roses, a new colour every season.

“Ari?”

Ari blinked and found herself back in the present with Yhara and a concerned looking server. The staff rustled in the kitchen behind the bar. The lights under the bar and on the tables were neon green. The feeling of something missing washed over her in full force, and Ari felt nauseous. “Are you ok?”

Ari nodded and furrowed her brow, trying and failing to push the feeling away. “Yeah. I just … remembered some stuff. Can we go?”

Yhara’s lips turned down a little. “Are you sure you don’t want some coffee or..?” She asked, but Ari was already running back up the stairs and outside.

Yhara chased her. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

Yhara's bike was green, the buildings were green. She couldn’t get away from it. “I don’t- I- why is everything so green?”

Yhara came to an abrupt halt, hand outstretched to grab Ari’s shoulder when she turned around. She pulled her hand back. “I dunno… seriously Ari you’re freaking me out.”

“I don’t even like green!” said Ari, the missing in her head so loud, “but my clothes are green, my eye is green, the bar I go to is green, this whole fucking city is green! Why?”

Yhara pulled back. “I don’t know Ari, green is in fashion right now!” She reached out to try and take her hand. “Please, you’re scaring me!”

Ari held her hands to her chest. “Something is missing, Yhara. That’s the first thing I remembered when I woke up and it’s been haunting me! I thought it was my memories but it’s everything. It’s this place, it’s me. I hate green, I hated university because it was a fucking sham, I don’t even know what my job is but I know that I fucking hate it! Why am I working there, why did I go to university? I don't get it, nothing here is real!”

Yhara finally reached out and grabbed Ari by the shoulders. “Hey, hey, it is real!” She pulled the locket out from under her shirt. “You got this for me, for our anniversary. And look!” She opened the locket, and a holographic image of them together, projected in tones of green appeared. “You got it in green because you said it was a good colour for us. Not because it was in fashion or whatever. You liked it for us, remember?”

Ari struggled to breathe and asked, “You’re sure?” and she saw Yhara nod, but the feeling of emptiness in her head screamed and thrashed and said, she's wrong, she's lying, she's missing! And Ari wasn’t sure if she believed her.