Negotiation

John could feel himself fading. The heart monitor's beeping was slowing. His pain was subsiding. His last thought was, At last.

Beeeeeeeeep...

He didn't know how much time elapsed, but he regained consciousness. He was aware of an infinity of space around him, but all was dark and hot. He wondered, Is this heaven? Hell? Purgatory?

Lights glared at him. He found that he had no visible body. In front of his essence was a dragon-like creature.

Although he had no mouth, John tried to ask with his mind, Are you the devil?

"Yesss," a low voice answered, "Thiss iss one of many formss I can asssume. Do you fansssy thiss inssstead?" The creature morphed into a giant, muscular humanoid form with wings, horns, and a tail - a quintessential devil.

Um, whatever makes you comfortable.

He remained as he was. John noticed his tail slithering around him and then covering his spiked genitals. He became very anxious about what was to come.

The devil's new, booming voice declared, "You are fortunate as you are my 12 billionth customer. I will grant you one last call, so to speak. You may converse one last time with anyone of your choice. They will hear and can answer for exactly 12 minutes."

Wow, I'm glad I wasn't the first billionth customer.

"Indeed. Who do you wish to contact?

Anyone? Living or dead?

"Yes, but don't try my patience, or there will be literal hell to pay."

John thought first about his son, Thomas. They had lost his mother two years ago in a car accident. Thomas had a great job and a lovely wife who was expecting their first child. He thought next about his late wife, Anne. Then, an idea came to him.

I would like to speak with God.

"What? God is not a person."

You never said it had to be a person. You said it could be anyone of my choice. I choose God.

The devil's eyebrows crinkled and he scowled like a toddler told to go to bed without dessert. "Very well. Your time begins at the first word."

"Hello," a new voice sounded throughout John's essence. "Who is this?" Peace washed over John.

Almighty God, Father, and Lord, it is I, John Karl Schwartz.

"Why do you beseech me?"

I wish to join your worshipers in heaven.

"Impossible. You have been sent there for a good reason."

But it was a mistake.

"Your last act was suicide. You murdered yourself. It is irrefutable."

Hear me out. Um, God, yes, I attempted suicide, but you must know that I tried to throw up the pills.

"The intent was clear."

As was my change of heart. You threw a lot at me - first taking Anne and then giving me stage four cancer. I did pray, but I wanted it all to end. The pain was so much to bear.

"You'd best not be blaming me..."

Oh, my God, no, that is not my intention. I take responsibility. I lacked the patience of Job, but I did try to undo what I did. I am truly sorry. Quoting your words through Jeremiah, 'If you repent, I will restore you that you may serve me.' I am repenting now as I would have if I had been able to speak in the hospital.

"I do see within you a good heart, but..."

Please, God. I implore you to let me show the depth of my love. Forgive me.

"Very well, you are forgiven. As for coming to heaven, you are tainted with the blood of your own death."

But Jesus gave His blood as a sacrifice. You can wash me clean in the blood of The Lamb.

"You do know your scripture. I'll grant you that."

Almighty Father, let me live to bring glory to Your Name.

"Oh, all right. Fine. You caught me on a good day. Beelzabub, I'm taking this one with me. Your next in line will be your 12 billionth customer."

"Damn it."