My Zombie Co-Worker Asked If He Could Pick My Brain and Then Things Got Weird

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Zack was the best-looking guy I’d ever seen in real life. At least, he was before he died.

Don’t get me wrong, there were still attractive qualities there, like his boyish charm and quick wit. But the whole certain and painful death if we were to ever hook up was kind of a red flag.

I broke it to him gently that while I had nothing against the undead or the diversity and inclusion policy my office had developed to help integrate them with the living, my penchant for staying alive meant that he was now permanently in the friendzone.

Sure, we still flirted on occasion, but there was a line I was never going to cross, and I made sure he knew it. That is, I thought I did. But his recent visit to my office had me thinking twice about how clearly he’d gotten the message.

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I saw Zack approaching through the giant windows that served as walls to my office. How the heck does he still look so good in a suit?

I shook myself from my daydream as he poked his head through my open door. His bright smile only now starting to show signs of decay.

“Hey, Sally! How’s my best girl?” The wink he sent me way still sent the butterflies in my belly into overdrive.

Get it together, Sally. You kiss him, you die, remember?

“Zack! Hey… what can I do for you, my friend?”

“I was hoping I could eat your brain?”

“Um… Sorry?”

“I was hoping I could pick your brain?” he said again, casually. Guess I misheard.

“Uh, sure, yeah come on in.”

“Delicious….” he almost whispered.

“Excuse me?”

“Delightful!”

Before I could stop him he grabbed the chair from the opposite side of my desk and wheeled it around next to my own. He sat unusually close and I was careful to keep my distance as I eyed him inquisitively, waiting for him to explain himself.

“Sorry, we’re gonna need the computer.”

“Oh, right.”

As I turned my head to the screen and began to type my password, I was startled by a sniffing sound.

“Um, Zack… Did you just smell me?”

“What? No… I mean, I sniffed, but it’s just my allergies.”

“Allergies? Zombies don’t get allergies.”

I held my hard stare at him, one eyebrow raised and growing increasingly wary. He simply shrugged, grabbed a tissue from the box on my desk and casually wiped his nose. He almost wore my breakfast when the flesh from the tip came right off with his final wipe.

“Oh shit! I’m never gonna get used to this,” he chuckled to himself as he pushed the detached flesh back in place.

“Anyway, where were we?”

“You wanted my help with something?”

“Oh, right! Yeah. I need your opinion on the memo I want to send out to the finance team. I emailed you the draft.”

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Dan Fitzroy was a terrible HR Manager. He was also the genius that proposed the “Dead or Alive Zombie/Human Integration Policy” which meant all of the previous employees affected by the virus could transition back to their roles BA (Before Apocolypse).

It had been a moderate success, although at least 30% of the alive workforce were now in the dead category because, Zombies.

As a senior manager, I’d managed to keep my distance from the workers less able to curb their… cravings.

Zombies carried many of their human qualities over when they died. If they were intelligent humans, like Zack, then they were what the government referred to as “high-functioning flesh-eaters.” Far lower risk to the humans than their low-functioning counterparts.

“What do you mean he smelled you?”

“I mean he smelled me, Dan. As in, took in my aroma like I was a ‘fresh out of the oven chocolate cake’. And that was after he asked if he could eat my brain and said it would be delicious.”

“That doesn’t sound like something Zack would say.”

“Has it ever occurred to you that even the high-functioning ones might mutate to the point of uncontrollable lust for flesh?”

“Absolutely not.”

This is clearly a waste of time.

“Ok, thanks for your time, Dan. Have a good day,” I said, giving him a curt nod as I exited his office, but not before noticing the bruising just below the collar of his shirt and the grey tinge starting to creep up his skin.

Shit.

I made a beeline for my office. Trying not to draw attention to myself as I began to realise what was happening around me. I grabbed my laptop and bag and made my way to the elevator as casually as possible.

“I’m gonna head out early today, Lacey. I can focus better on these reports from home.” I smiled at my assistant, who was staring at me with the telltale blank expression I’d become used to.

Just as the elevator doors were about to close, a hand shot through, stopping them and forcing them open again.

I backed into the corner, my heart pounding and my breath hitching in my throat as Zack came bounding through the elevator doors.

“Heading home early, Sal?”

“Yeah, sure am. I’ve got a tonne of reporting to do and it’s easier to focus in the quiet of home,” the quiver in my voice betraying my attempt at casual conversation.

His dazzling smile twisted into a playful smirk which did nothing to calm my nerves. A year ago, I would’ve given my right foot for Zack to look at me like that. A year ago it would have been sexy as hell to be looked at, not like a snack, but a whole damn meal. It was decidedly less sexy when it became literal.

“Want some company? Many hands make light work, Sally.”

“No thanks, Zack. It’s not really a group project.”

“Oh come on, it’ll be fun. Just like old times.”

I was saved by the bell as the elevator pinged and the doors opened to the ground floor, bustling with people. I did a quick scan and immediately realised that the living were becoming increasingly outnumbered.

I couldn’t shake Zack as I rushed out of the elevator and weaved through the crowd, careful not to make contact with any of the zombies.

When we finally made it outside, I turned to face him.

“What are you gonna do to me?”

“Nothing you don’t want me to.”

“I don’t want to die.”

“Look around, Sal. It’s happening whether you want it to or not. Wouldn’t you rather it be me than some mindless flesh-eater who doesn’t give a damn about you?”

“Really, Zack? Did that same line work on your prom date in high school, too?”

I was stalling. As I scanned the crowd around me I knew he was right. It was only a matter of time before one of them got me. Stupid goddam humans always think they know better. I cursed to myself as I accepted my fate.

“Fine, Zack. But if we’re gonna do this, we’re doing it the old fashion way. I’m not the kind of girl that goes around letting any old guy kill her and turn her into the walking dead. You’re going to have to woo me. Meet me at my place tonight, 6 pm sharp, and bring an expensive bottle of wine.”

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Zack was the best-looking guy I’d ever seen in real life, and now, he was the best-looking guy I’d ever seen in my unreal life.

In truth, after the searing pain and actual death part, zombie life wasn’t half bad. The high-functioners were a cool crew and Zack was the deputy leader. They’d made a solid plan to ensure access to live human flesh for years to come through deep freeze technology, so we never had to worry about starving once we killed all the humans.

I had my reservations about the undead, but in the end, I knew Zack was the one for me, and we couldn’t let something like a zombie apocalypse kill our relationship before it even had a chance.

I can’t believe I almost let my irrational attachment to being alive get in the way of true love. Sure, brains are an acquired taste, but I’m getting used to it. Plus, Zombie sex is hot, albeit a little slower-paced than I’m used to.

All in all, I’m happy with my decision to die. My only regret is that I waited so long and wasted all that time when Zack and I could’ve been getting handsy in my office after hours— the company went bust not long after the takeover. Too many lowies.

But we have a nice place, and we’re getting married in the fall. So far, I’d give Zombie life a 10/10— would recommend.

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Originally published on Medium