(My black mother)Her Last Words

"Come closer, Nneka. I have things I must say to you," my mother said as she laboured to breathe in the ICU of the state general hospital. I was already sitting on the bed but I leaned in closer so I could hear her whisper of words.

"Yes mum," I replied, very proud that she couldn't tell I have been crying for the better part of the day.

"I thought I would have more time with you. I thought we had our whole lives ahead of us. I still have so much to teach you, so much you still have to learn. But are not god and he had decided it's my time." she paused to use the oxygen mask for a few seconds before speaking.

"I am sorry mum," I apologised as if her dying of lung cancer was somehow my fault. I was only twelve years old. What could I have done? And she knew that too.

"You have nothing to be sorry about. I don't want to waste my breath saying things that won't benefit your life so listen very carefully to these five things I have to tell you. I want you to keep them close to your heart. Always make sure one of them applied in the things you do."

She dragged in more oxygen. I took the oxygen mask from her to do it myself. I had tried to do it before but she refused but I could tell she didn't want to spend energy rejecting my help.

"Tell me, mum," I prompted, opening my memory recorder.

"Being the daughter of a widow who was accused of killing her husband is already a stain against you. Everything and everyone in this town will work against you. Therefore, you must be selfish and greedy to get what you want. Life has already humbled your gentle soul to my miserable home so be greedy. Do things for yourself first and second and third before you consider another person. I have lived my life trying to please and appease a lot of people and it got me nothing in life. Be greedy, it's not a crime to want, to desire, are you listening?" she whispered.

I placed the mask over her face as I absorbed her words into my very skin. "Yes. I am. I will be greedy and selfish."

"Secondly, always forgive yourself, no matter what you have done. Always forgive yourself. Forgiveness will help you move on and no matter what you do, you can never become the greatest sinner in the world. I never forgave myself for a lot of things, including driving your father to his death so don't be like me. It held me down, stained my soul and made me sick even though he deserved it for touching my child," she finished before she started coughing.

I gave her the oxygen. I had always suspected my mother had something to do with my father's demise. I remembered it had been one week after he had tried to get me to touch his members when she was only six years old and keep it a secret from my mother, but I could never lie to my mother so I had told her and one week later, he simply went missing. I never knew what really happened but I knew mum had done something. He wasn't really my father. My mother was married off to him after the person who got her pregnant skipped town.

"Third, the third one is, you must try to leave this country anyway you can. Nigeria is sitting on a mountain of gun powder and everyone has a lighter. No one knows who will light it up or when it will blow. Nneka, you are poor, you have no one. That’s why you need to be greedy in order to escape this country. Greedy, selfish and efficient. Are you paying attention?"

"I am mother," I said as I finally allowed the tears to start flowing again. I couldn't hold it any longer. What was I going to do without my mother? I wondered as I placed the oxygen mask on her.

"Fourth one," she said, using her hand to swipe away the mask from her face. "Fourth one. Be very suspicious of all human being, especially men. The world is not moving forward today is mostly because of men. They are a different breed of human. If I had been careful of men, I would have had a better life. Seeing as I am leaving you so young, a lot of humans, mostly men will try to take advantage of you. You will have to guard your back and front so suspect everyone and question everything. It will help you a lot."

"Yes, mum. I will. Can you stop now? You need to rest," I begged her.

"I will have all my rest when I die. It won't be long. Last one, education. I didn't have any education but I can see the difference it makes in people's lives. That’s why I did everything I could to make sure you went to school and got good grades. Don’t stop when I am gone. Education will lift you up. There are free education and scholarships you can get. You are smart and beautiful, don't waste it. As god is my witness, if you waste it, I will come and haunt you," she added with a smile.

"I won't waste it," I promised. "That’s the last one. You should sleep now. I will get the nurse to...”

She shook her head from side to side.

"If I sleep, I will not wake up again. The last word I have for you is a favour. Nneka, since the day you were born, you were my world and I was your world. We were each other's everything. You breathed me and I inhaled you. But we are separating now."

"Oh, mum. Please don't say that." I cried, placing my head on her shoulder,

"But I must. It’s not easy for me, leaving you behind. When I found out I was dying, I thought about taking you with me because I couldn't bear leaving you behind. My little angel, my visible soul," mum said, running her hand over my face and wiping my tears away. I cried harder as if that was possible.

"That’s it, my love. My last favour is for you to cry for me here. Mourn me right here where I can console you and wipe away your tears. Let your tears be my first embalming fluid. Wail for me right now when I am alive to console you," she said with tears spilling out the side of her eyes.

I felt like a dam had broken in my chest, I could almost hear an audible crack as if something came loose inside me. I cried, and cried and wailed without regard for others in the hospital, I balled my eyes out while my mother patted my hair and did her best to wipe the tears that won't stop flowing.

"You are wicked mum. You are very wicked. How can you leave me? Why didn't you take me with you? I would have come. What will I do without you? You are very wicked," I repeated as I shook her slightly with frustration and curdled agony.

"I am sorry, Nnem. I am very sorry. You will do everything. I will always be with you. I told you before," she assured me as she took the oxygen mask beside the bed to place on her face as if she was trying to prolong her life.

"Liar. Liar. You are lying. You are dying," I shouted on top of my voice, refusing to be consoled.

A nurse came in and tried to talk to me.

"Please leave us alone. You can come back and take my body," she told the nurse who turned and left the room.

"I will hate you, you know. I will never forgive you for leaving me."

"Don’t forgive me. I don't want my soul to rest in peace," she said, wiping more tears from my face.

"Oh, mum. Why must it be you? God knows you are all I have. Why must it be you?" I asked as I gently placed my head on her chest and cried silently. I couldn't even feel her chest rise and fall.

"God is a bastard," she said, making me laugh through my tears. I knew she didn't mean that. Mum loved god and did her best to follow the bible within reason.

"I will not follow God the way you did mother," I informed her.

"I hope you won't. There my child. No more tears. When I pass on, try to keep your tears at bay. People will want to take advantage of a beautiful grieving child. Let your sorrow rest with me, heart of mine. And know that I love you more than words can say," she said.

"I love you too mum. I do, I do, I do," I repeated but she didn't hear me.

i dont know why this story wasnt approved. it is entirely fictional