My Bella

Life was funny that way, one minute you know who you are, your daily routine and the loved one you spend it with. Then within days, it was gone.

The pavement was familiar, the same five year old pothole to the left, Mama Mari’s cafe just past the corner and a pretty little minx cat that casually starred as I walked past her second story window.

Rounding the corner of Papillion Rd, I was welcomed by the sight of my favorite little cafe. It was a little peach building with green chairs and white umbrellas, you would never know the place was established in 1953. It was well maintained, with the same loving attention that went into every caffeinated masterpiece, delicate croissant and flaky strudel that came to her guest’s tables.

As I sat down in my usual spot by the marigold bush, my mind wandered to the events of the last three days. I couldn’t have known that so much would change within the course of a weekend. Or that one decision would have so much impact.

“There’s my favorite scientist! Your usual tea and croissant?”

Her persistent and bubbly demeanor never failed to cheer me up, and it didn’t hurt that she had the best baked goods this side of the Mississippi River.

“It wouldn’t be a good Monday without it!”

She laughed and warmly grabbed my hand, the same way my grandmother used to when I was still figuring out how to ride a bike, without falling over. Though sometimes it was better when I did, because I was sure to be comforted by a glass of lemonade and a slice of ooey gooey cake.

As her little figure exited my view, back inside the cafe, my mind wandered away again.

I missed her.

Those warm brown eyes, soft and fluffy blonde hair.

Weekends were our favorite time together, my work though satisfying was also very taxing. I truly loved the analytics and composing reports of discoveries, there was the potential this information could save lives someday! Who wouldn’t want to be a part of that!

But the politics of it all, not that I wanted anything to do with the bureaucrats and their schemes, partisan pandering and good ol’ fashion ass kissing. Being in the position of Lead Researcher required my appearance and two cents on the important occasions. Last weekend was one of the most memorable.

Normally I wouldn’t even consider flying out on a weekend for work, after all, that was mine and Bella’s time together. But being on the brink of a breakthrough for cancer treatment, for humans and animals, I HAD to go.

The conference was filled with the typical uproar, debates and politics of ethics and eventual testing on live subjects. My least favorite slime to deal with was the reps from pharmaceutical companies, drooling at the thought of monetizing another human’s ability to live a healthy, happy life. I was content to stay till Sunday, knowing the potential our research had to save lives, especially one so dear and irreplaceable to me.

*The office opening song plays*

I had to change my ringtone after that call.

The flight home was a blur and I wasn’t able to look at my text messages without my eyes stinging. Danny was there to meet me at the airport and was thoughtful enough to not push me to talk in the moment. Just a firm hand on my shoulder.

“I’m so sorry man.”

I walked into the hospital, the petite receptionist looked perplexed that I walked in sans companion but must’ve realized who I was and her face instantly turned into genuine sympathy.

“This way...I’m so sorry.”

I heard those words countless times over the weekend to the point where it almost didn’t register. As she guided me through the back operating rooms, I just kept picturing the first day I met her, it was love at first sight. How could I not when she embodied unbridled love and joy?

Room 14.

I stopped. I didn’t really want to go inside and confirm what I already knew to be true. How could it be a lie when so many of the people I love and trusted told me so?

I pushed on the cold metal door, so similar to the ones in my own lab.

My body went stiff and my eyes stung again for the dozenth time that day, but I had to go over to her. Had to hug that little body.

I remembered the place we met in the middle of the country, surrounded by pastures and fields of flowers. It was a picturesque farm, well kept and well loved. John Southers walked out to meet me as I stepped out of my black BMW, not the typical transportation seen in that part of Missouri.

“You must be Ethan, how’re ya doing sir?”

His tan and leathery hand was a stark comparison to my soft hands, usually dressed in latex gloves.

“Yes, I am. Pleasure to meet you John!”

He gave my hand one firm shake. “Well come back this way.”

As we walked past his home into the backyard, the smell of hay was strong but the only plant around us were these huge bushes of yellow flowers lining his house.

“What are these?” I asked, pointing to the bright yellow bushes.

“Those are Marigolds, my wife’s favorite. She says it's because they symbolize good luck.”

And then I saw her.

It’s not that the others weren’t adorable in their own way, but she ran right up to me.

She chose me.

I had never felt so happy and connected, it didn’t matter who I was, what I did for work or how I ranked in the world of mankind. She just loved and accepted me from the moment she spotted me.

“Her mom is a golden retriever and we’re guessing her dad is the Aussie from our neighbors down the road. Sweet little thing.”

I was jarred back to reality as I patted her head and back. No loving nudges or response. At first, I wasn’t sure what to do. Some part of me wanted to have her cremated and brought home, but another part of me knew she should be buried outside, she adored our walks and being free under the sunshine.

“Here is your tea and croissant!”

I was once again jarred back to the present with a warm buttery scent and my dear friend’s charming presence.

“Where is my beloved Bella today? Another hospital visit? Is she getting better?”

"I'm afraid cancer won this battle." I could feel the tears dangerously close to falling down my cheeks again.

Mama Mari took a seat in the chair across from me. I anticipated her condolences and enduring another apology, not that it wasn’t well intentioned. But it severely reminded me of my loss and failure to save the one I loved the most.

“What a wonderful life she had and shared with you.”

Not the response I was expecting…

“I mean, I tried to provide the best life I could for her...I just wished I could have done more with my research, gotten it to trial...saved her.”

“Ethan, sometimes loved ones are in our life, not to be saved or rescued by us. But, to inspire us. Would you have worked as passionately on your research if it was unknown to you?”

I was rather lost for a minute. “I mean, I still want to continue with this work, I know it has the chance to change a lot of people's lives. I still would have led the project…”

“Oh no, that’s not what I mean.” She grabbed my hand so gently with hers. “Bella was the inspiration, the fire that kept your passion ignited! She brought out the best in your work!”

“Take these marigolds for example, most people know them to be symbols of happiness, joy, luck!...But they also represent death, mourning, it’s a reminder that even in the transition of life, what we call death. There is joy, a reminder that we who are still living keep the memories of those who have passed alive with us! Do you get what I’m saying?”

I didn’t want to acknowledge the truth in what she said, but as I looked into her eyes softly wrinkled at the corners. I couldn’t deny the compassion and the knowing of what it is to lose someone you love.

“Yeah...and I think I want to change the name of our research”

“And what would that be?” She chuckled.

“The Bella Project”