My Balls are Charred

There weren't always dragons in the Valley.

There weren't always crypto start-ups in the Valley either, but here we are.

My name is Duncan, and if you're reading this then that means you're either a judge in this competition or one of the vocal.media readers. I just want to say my piece and let you get on to the other entries.

You know how there are things everyone can describe in detail but don't exist? Like unicorns, or vampires, or zombies or an affordable three bedroom rowhouse in San Francisco.

"Or dragons," I hear you say (metaphorically of course, I typed this weeks ago).

Yes, or dragons.

Well, apparently not. Apparently dragons do exist. Specifically they exist in Mitchell Park, by the tennis courts at the end of East Meadow Drive, Palo Alto, California.

The same tennis courts where I "teach" pale, overconfident 25 year old software engineers how to hit and serve so they can make a mockery of the sport I love for $100/hour.

No, I'm not bitter. How could I be?

"They are a scientific miracle!" CNN was very clear on this.

"They are proof that magic really exists!" The New York Times did not mince words.

"They are an abomination and a direct affront to God the Almighty and all that is Holy and must be destroyed, their ashes thrown in the ocean and the earth they contaminated with their heathen hoofs salted for eternity!" Ok so maybe not everyone was a fan.

I'll get to the point: I too am not a fan. I don't like them, they smell bad, they bring crowds, they light lobbed tennis balls on fire and they have made it all but impossible for me to give tennis classes. Which, if you weren't paying attention, is how I make money to spend on food and rent.

And I like eating. Very much.

"Ok cool but like, why use a writing challenge in a pretty amazing online community of creators working at the top of their game to share these concerns?" You might say (or will say, I don't know. I have no idea who is reading this.)

One word: SEO.

It all began on a dark, stormy night...which meant I had to cancel classes and lose $400 just 'cause. I love my job and the freedom and flexibility it gives me.

It had been a few weeks since the dragons first showed up in Mitchell Park. No one knows where they came from or how they got here. No other place on Earth (that we know of) has had the unadulterated joy of their presence. By then the initial rush of journalists, camera crews, selfie takers, police officers, firefighters, rubberneckers and just plain weirdos had thinned out. The scientists and academics were still there - but these are people who considered spending three years crouching under a rotten log in the Amazon waiting for a single photo of the red speckled jumping frog or whatever to be a "pretty quick field visit".

So I was stuck at home instead of making money and pretty annoyed at life, not going to lie. I don't remember exactly what made me do it, but I went online and started searching:

"How to kill a dragon"

Not helpful, mostly reviews of a 1995 book about comparative Indo-European poetics. Because, of course.

"How to remove a dragon infestation"

This was worse - Google thought I meant dragonflies. Oh, how I wish.

"What can kill a dragon"

A bit scattered, mostly about other imaginary creatures that could kill a dragon, etc. None of which I had or would know how to get.

"Make dragons go away"

Now here I did find something useful. The ninety seventh link was to a website that mentioned dragons alongside fairies, pixies, dwarves and other magical creatures. Now by this point I was pretty desperate and, with literally nothing else to do, I kept reading. The site basically made the point that such creatures really did exist, if you really, really, really wanted them to. And got a bunch of people to do the same. It argued that back in the day these creatures legitimately walked around because everyone actually believed they existed. As humans became more educated and started trying to use logic to explain the world the belief went away, and with it these magical creatures.

Now, I'm not saying I suddenly saw enlightenment and believed this mish mash of half remembered myths, fevered dreams and wishful thinking, but it did trigger a memory from one of my favorite classes at Harvard.

Yes I went to Harvard, on a tennis scholarship. Judge me and then let's move on.

I found the class ("Psychology of mass delusions"), the professor (Michael W. Harness), his email ([email protected]), and sent him a quick note.

And then I made some quesadillas and watched a movie. My life is riveting. Worthy of a novel, you might even say.

A few days later I had a reply. Professor Harness seemed to take my idea at least seriously enough not to mark it as spam, and in fact offered to talk on the phone if I was interested.

I was very interested.

Here's a quick summary of the call:

Me: "So, what do you think prof?"

Professor Harness: "They seem real enough to me, from what I've seen on videos."

Me: "Oh they're real. I have a whole bag of charred tennis balls as proof."

PH: "Hmm, interesting." (he used to do that a lot. Made him seem super wise. Still kind of works)

Me: "So what can I do? I really need to get rid of them."

PH: "You could try to figure out what changed recently. Maybe something happened where a lot more people suddenly started believing in dragons or…"

Me: "Or what?"

PH: "Nothing. I was just going to say, or you could just move somewhere else."

Me: "But I like it here."

PH: "Right. Well, then search for the source of belief my boy, and you'll have your answer."

And he hung up soon after that.

Back to Google, but now with a new angle:

"Belief in dragons"

Nothing.

"Making dragons come to life"

Nada.

"Mystical creatures become real"

Zilch.

"Bringing to the world mystical creatures"

Bingo!

Turns out you thought it would be a good idea to give a pretty significant sum of money to whoever wrote the best story about dragons. Which got a lot of people thinking about dragons and the valleys they may or may not be in. A LOT of people. Especially in California apparently.

And.so.here.we.are.

That night I quickly came to a realization: unless I stopped you and your Machiavellian / Misguided (jury is still out on intent) plans for world domination via dragon instantiation, I would be forced to stop teaching people called Chad how to volley for $100/hour. This would require determination, grit, exciting adventures and close escapes in exotic locales, and a whole lot of sleuthing to find each and every one of the system admins, up to and including the big Boss. Most of me said "fuck that" (I was and still am pretty lazy).

And then one of the dragons burped and set my front yard tree on fire.

Right then. First step: find the servers.