Music in You

They had flown out to California together. This road trip had been planned for years- any road trip. They just wanted to enjoy the open road and couldn't believe it had taken this long to do it. They planned on a week-long trip back to Chicago; arriving back home just in time for the event.

She pulled the rental car around, while the other waited at the curb with their bags.

She packed her name brand, perfectly arranged bag, with everything and anything they could have possibly needed- complete with matching makeup case. She was always organized and over prepared for everything. Her friend threw in her backpack, that probably didn't have a single thing folded, missing pairs to socks, with a good chance that she forgot underwear all together. She threw it in and it landed on the make up case.

"Could you AT LEAST watch where you throw it?"

She wasn't really mad- just annoyed.

They were opposites, but she knew this going in. It never changed how she felt about her. They had been best friends for over two decades, and at one point tried to be roommates, but that failed- for obvious reasons.

She got into the drivers seat of the car, looked over at her friend and sighed.

Her friend looked back, smiled her sweet smile, and said innocently, "Soorrrryyyyy" in an almost child-like tone and charm.

She internally rolled her eyes. "You know- this is why nobody ever stays mad at you. I don't know how you do it." She looked back over at her friend.

She just sat there with her eyes sparkling and smiling at her. "Looooove you!"

She knew she meant it. She loved her, too. She also had a deep seeded jealousy that she would never share. It was moments like these that brought it out. She had this effect on people everywhere and got away with everything. Nobody ever stayed mad at her and she wanted that character trait. She wanted that smile. She wanted that charm. Those fucking eyes.

Instead, she reached into her purse, pulled out her cell phone, cord, and the keys. She started the car, plugged in the phone, and found the playlist she made special for them.

"You're going to love this."

The opening guitar riff was unmistakable and classically 1998.

Her friend shrieked, "WE WERE OBSESSED. WE WOULD DRIVE AROUND FOR HOURS."

"Can we forget about the things I said when I was drunk?

I didn't mean to call you that.

I can't remember what was said, or what you threw at me-

Please tell me-"

Suddenly a smart phone plug changed to a cd, going into their first car. The memories came flooding back.

She had just passed her driving test and her parents let her drive the car alone for the first time. She went to pick up her best friend.

When she met her at the door, they embraced each other, jumping up and down, and screaming for a solid thirty seconds.

"What is going on out here?" - the p's.

"She passed the test."

"Ah. Good job." -exit p's

The girls ran up to the bedroom and spent the next hour deciding what to wear. The baby-t or the crop top? How wide should the bells be today? 1 choker, but should we add more necklaces? How many rings? Should we wear the butterfly clips? Of course we should. Should we spray the glitter in our hair or just wear it on our face or on our chest? There were too many important decisions to make, because you never knew who you were going to see when you went out.

Wait. Make up. Do we want to be casual cool, or frosty white? Can you curl the back of my hair while I finish my makeup? Thanks, girl. You the bomb.

They finally achieved the perfection they were seeking and ran out the door together. They slide the CD in, with the song they are obsessed with this week, and turn the volume up as high as it will go.

"Please tell me why-

My car is in the front yard-

And I'm sleeping with my clothes on-

I came in through the window last night-

And you're long gone, gone-"

They giggled uncontrollably, with the windows rolled down. They waved at everyone, at every stop light. It didn't matter if they knew them or not. They had freedom! True freedom- for the first time in their lives. More importantly: they had it together!

"It's no surprise to me, I am my own worst enemy

'Cause every now and then, I kick the living shit out of me-"

They arrived to the location, roll up the windows manually, lock the car doors, and run as fast as they can towards the revolving doors.

The mall. The one place you can go where you knew you would see someone you know. You could find your friends working and harass them. You found different ways to get something......anything.....for free. It didn't matter what. You made up games to play. You could hang out- even if you weren't shopping. You could go alone and leave with a friend. It was an experience that can't be explained in present day. You had to be there.

It was 90's teen paradise.

And that's what they were there for. It wasn't anything special. They were there to hang, see who they could find, and be teens.

They wanted to enjoy their freedom.

"'Cause every now and then, I kick the living shit out of me-"

Back to present day.

"How are things going with that guy? What's his name?"

"Which one? haha"

"Right you change them rapidly. But you were seeing the one for a few months."

"We don't talk about him." She said it in a tone that let her friend know not to inquire further.

"Are you seeing anyone else?"

Her friend shrugged.

She knew exactly what that meant. "Yes, but not worth mentioning.....yet...or maybe not at all."

"Are you dating anyone?"

"Am I ever?"

They both laughed.

She had not told her friend, or anyone else in her life, that she is gay. She can't have a serious relationship. Understandably, nobody wants to be brought back into the closet with her. She was in love with someone, but she was unattainable.

She planned on coming out on this trip. It was time.

"Please tell me why

My car is in the front yard-"

They're back in 1998, just driving. It is Friday night, they have nowhere to go. So they drive. They play music as loud as they can, singing as off-key as they want, the windows rolled down, hair is blowing all over their face, and sticking to their lipgloss. They stopped by random locations and friends' houses, but didn't stay anywhere long. They laughed until their sides hurt and thought the nights like these would never end.

"I came in through the window last night

And you're long gone-"

Back in present day, they drive. The music is turned to a reasonable volume, the windows are up, and they sit in silence.

"It's no surprise to me, I am my own worst enemy-"

They sat in front of a computer.

"You pick your name first."

"I can't. It's too much pressure."

It was their first time on AIM, because their parents wouldn't allow it before now. It seemed like they were the LAST people on Earth to have an account. They looked around at all of their favorite things and their parents made a rule that they couldn't use any part of their actual name.

I bet every cool name is already taken anyway.

"'Cause every now and then, I kick the living shit out of me-"

"Do you want to stop for the day? We can get some drinks and just relax?"

"Hells to the yeah!"

It was an older looking motel, maybe one that was a premier place when Route 66 was still in its Golden age. It was rundown.

They didn't care. It was cheap and a place to sleep. As long as there was a bar, that's all they needed right now.

They brought their bags in and both women showered. They dressed, put on makeup, and did their hair. They never discussed with one another what to wear, how to do their makeup, or helped one another with any of the process.

They were at the bar for about thirty minutes, when two men approached them. Her friend wanted them to stay; she didn't. She wanted to talk to her friend. Her friend was annoyed with her.

If only she understood.

She went to the bar, and took three shots in a row, and went back to her friend and said, "Do what you want. I'm going back to the room."

"Don't leave."

"I had something important to talk to you about."

She immediately walked away from the men.

"Why didn't you just say you needed me tonight?"

They sat back down together in silence, slowly drinking their drinks.

"Have you ever kissed a girl?"

Her friend nudged her body against her, smiled that smile that only she had, eyes sparkling, giggled, and said, "And I liked it.....the taste of her cherry chapstick." And took a sip of her drink. "Ahhhhhhhhhh" an audible approval of the drink in hand.

"No, really."

"Yeah, sure. You?"

"I've done more."

"Oh, yeah. Same. More than once."

"Really?"

"Sure. Why not? Women are beautiful."

"Could you see yourself WITH a woman?"

"Absolutely not.......but I don't see myself with anyone."

"Right."

And they sat in silence longer. They took three more shots in the next thirty minutes. Tequila. Never a good idea.

"I want to be with a woman."

"Nothing wrong with that."

"Yeah."

More silence. Ten minutes and another shot.

"Do you mean that you're a lesbian?"

"I think so."

"Do I know the person you want to be with?"

"Yes."

There was a silence the rest of the evening. Her friend knew by the way she said it and the way she gazed at her.

"Can we forget about the things I said when I was drunk?"

They were 14 years old and drunk for the first time. They were giggling in the basement. The boys were around the corner and talking about playing "spin the bottle".

"Have you ever kissed anyone before?"

"No"

"Let's practice on each other before we go back and play, so we don't look awkward, or kiss terrible."

And they practiced for a little longer than practicing should have taken.

"I didn't mean to call you that."

Her friend laid in the bed next to her that night, wondering why she didn't remember that kiss.

And she laid awake, pretending to sleep, desperately wishing she was back in Chicago.

"It's no surprise to me, I am my own worst enemy."