Mummy cat

When you think about famous rivalries throughout history, you probably can recall the likes of Magic Johnson vs. Larry Bird, Kanye vs. Drake, Coke vs Pepsi or even most recently, Popeyes vs Chick Filet. Competition in the workplace often turns nasty, especially when a worker is consumed with envy and fueled by salacious jealousy. Even the most virtuous employees have compromised their integrity in order to achieve the most coveted honor; being named employee of the month.

I know all about this firsthand. When I was in college, my vendetta against a fellow bartender was so extreme, it compelled me to commit foul play and my goal was to completely eradicate my competition, Tonya Harding style. Seemingly Foolproof plan, except my Nancy wasn’t just some local celebrity, it was a beloved mascot and Chelsea’s Café most adored staff member …MUMMY CAT.

Bohemian style atmosphere , mixed with the chill vibe of Haight Street, Chelsea’s Cafe was frequented by local artists, musicians and writers, and anyone living in Baton Rouge who enjoyed live music, stiff drinks, and killer southern homestyle meals in the late 90’s. It’s eclectic staff truly deserved their own reality show. If the characters from Dazed and Confused opened a bar hiring only the cast from Freaks and Geeks to wait tables, and the bartenders from Always Sunny in Philadelphia to make cocktails, it still wouldn’t be enough moxie to compete with this place. Everyone who worked there had an interesting and bizarre backstory, but nothing held a candle to my infamous feud with a new hire which led to a catnapping and banishment. The victim was Mummy Cat, an already dead and well-preserved cat, who somehow became the honorary employee of the month, service industry team mascot ,and my arch nemesis, all In a matter of days. He ruined my life.

I’m not bitter, you’re bitter!.

There is no cool origin story of how mummy cat came to be, he literally just appeared. One day while I was sitting at the bar after work and one of the cooks came in holding a mummified cat that he found by the dumpster.

Yes, I know you are thinking that’s not possible, but due to our hot arid environment it would only take about two weeks for the dead cat to go undetected and for the mummification process to complete. Obviously,this was by far the coolest thing any of us had ever seen. MUMMY CAT became an instant celebrity and permanent fixture at the bar. Mummy CAT was so popular they started giving him my shifts at the bar; he even had his own tip jar. They had T-shirts made for our kickball team with his face on the front. He went to every game and no one questioned the insanity. It drove me freaking crazy.

Everyone embraced Mummy Cat, treating him as if he were the most favorite pet, best friend, and teammate they ever had. He was the most treasured thing in the damn bar. That title used to be mine. Suddenly, my customers stop tipping me as well, and pretty soon they didn't tip me at all. Instead, they would leave money in his stupid jar. This infuriated me. I was employee of the month for an entire year uncontested, Until he pussyfooted in , all unnaturally and winning everyone's hearts. I hated the attention he undeservingly received, so I concocted the perfect crime to fake his catnapping and get rid of him…permanently!

Not because I hate cats. I love all animals, but after watching The Thomas Crown Affair, for some unexplainable reason when I used to get really drunk, I’d turn into a klepto and steal things from bars. No intentions of keeping any of the treasures, I took them just so I could return them before being caught. I know it sounds crazy, but what about any of this is normal. I was infamous for my bar heists. I took autographed pictures of professional athletes, electric guitars signed by musicians, paintings, pool sticks, anything sentimental or valuable, I took it. I sometimes would mail back from Thomas Crown, or I would place it somewhere obscure in a competitor’s bar. Of course, I was the only one who found it humorous. Most of the time they didn’t notice anything was missing. I was determined to make this my best heist.

So one night when the bar was slammed, I snuck Mummy cat into my purse and took him home. The next day I mailed a ransom letter to Chelsea’s with ridiculous demands like: Once a month my friends and I will be allowed to stay in Mike the Tiger’s million dollar habitat, I requested lifetime VIP passes to Top Cat’s Exotic Dance Club lounge, the most expensive fancy feast on the market, and nine more lives. I told them if the demands were not met in two days Mummy Cat was going to die, again…signed, Pablo Esco-Rat!

I had no idea the general public would take the ransom letter seriously. Flyers were made and passed out all over LSU campus. They put an ad on the local college radio station. Ultimately it was the $25,000 reward for the head of Pablo Esco-Rat that made me revaluate my career choices. One early morning I came into work holding Mummy Cat, and a rat’s head ,I got from the Halloween store. I boasted how I tracked down the place they were holding Mummy Cat and slayed the kingpin. I politely asked for my bounty, and for some outlandish reason, they fired me. To add injury to insult, they even had me forcibly removed from the premises, thus banning me from Chelsea’s Cafe …for life.

Looking back, I should have saved my creative talents for another occupation and allowed Mummy Cat to enjoy his time to shine, its what everyone wants. To be the favorite employee of the month, even after we are