Moving Out

The play you are about to see/read takes place in two locations – both of which are associated with a five-ton moving truck. They are:

1. The back end of a five-ton moving truck complete with rear hydraulic platform lift, two wheeler dollies, a gazillion quilted moving blankets and three actors posing as movers (at least when they are moving furniture) because it would have to be said that when they are on stage they are, indeed, three movers posing as actors.

2. The interior of the cab of a five-ton moving truck complete with steering wheel, stick shift, thermos bottles, lunches, maps, air brakes and three actors posing as movers (at least when they are moving furniture) because it would have to be said that when they are on stage they are, indeed, three movers posing as actors.

Act I (scene 1)

Opens as three movers in the cab of a large moving truck pull up in the driveway of the next family to be moved.

Tony (the leader and boss of the operation): Please don’t tell me those are the guys we’re moving?

Danny (the joker): You mean those guys sitting around that picnic table on their front lawn there?

Ivan (the straight man / dreamer): And drinking beer at 7:30 in the morning (laughs).

Danny: You mean those guys Tony (teasing)?

Tony: Yeh, I mean those guys.

Danny: I wonder if they are just getting started for the day or if they are about to pack it in?

Tony: Well, they better not be fucking packing it in unless all their stuff is packed in too. When I talked to those assholes last night they hadn’t even started yet. It sounded like they might actually be off their asses and at it as soon as Jimbo got back with the beer.

Danny: When was the last time you sat around on your front lawn at 7:30 in the AM, drinking beer waiting for the moving guys to show up so you could just get the hell out o’ Dodge?

Ivan: They probably got it all packed. No worries.

Danny: Yeh, I certainly don’t have any worries. The fact that 12 hours ago they hadn’t started to pack yet and that 12 hours ago they started drinking and they haven’t finished yet and they have four males in their family and they live in a three-storey house with a couple of rusted-out ‘63 Falcon station wagons in the yard in various states and stages of disrepair and they have a 40 foot Quonset out back full of tools and they all have grease and oil on their hands and their clothes doesn’t concern me in the least. How about you Tony, got any worries?

Tony: Fuck!

Danny: Judging from the empties and cases laying around, and I mean the ones without spider webs on them, I’d say Jimbo was either back and forth to the bar all night or he has one big mother of a truck – maybe like yours Tony. Maybe we’ll be moving empties today?

Ivan: I bet all their stuff will be boxed up in two by four cases.

Danny: They’ll stack nice anyway. Can you imagine if everything was packed in, say all Kokanee so that they were all the same color and the whole back of the truck was completely full and then on the way to Prince George the cops pulled us over and they looked in the back and they creamed when they opened the door because they figured they had this humongous bust going on or something – wouldn’t that be cool?

Tony: Yeh, that’d be cool Danny. Where do you get this shit from anyway? Does it just ooze out of your head or what? (Noticing the ‘old man’ of the family) Oh fuck, there’s the brains of the operation. Ivan! How am I doin’ on that side there?

Ivan: I think you got room. Let me get out and check. (jumps out) Yeh, you’re good. Keep coming. (sound of cracking tree branches).

Danny: Or not!

Tony: Fuck Ivan, what was that?

Ivan: Just a few branches. They were dead anyway. Keep coming.

Tony: Well, am I going to break any more?

Ivan: No. They’re all gone now.

Danny: Reassuring. I hope they weren’t off some rare species planted by some city forefather or something.

Tony: Okay, let’s see what Jimbo and Jed have to say.

Danny: And Jethro, and Ellie May and . . .

Tony: Shut up Danny!

Danny: Aye aye mon Capitan!!

Tony: (to the clan of Okies) Morning! Are you guys all packed and ready to load ‘er up? Let’s maybe take a look at what you got.

Jimbo (spokesman for the family): Well, we’re not quite finished yet. We don’t actually have anything in boxes. We had some boxes last night but it got cold and we built a fire and burned most of the cardboard we had. We’re thinkin’ maybe we’ll have to use garbage bags. Garbage bags hold quite a bit of stuff.

Ivan: No danger of breakage either!! (Under his breath) Fuck!

Tony: Well, you can put clothes and that into bags, but I can’t guarantee that dishes and glasses will survive a 300 mile trip without turning to a fine white powder or something.

Clem (Jimbo's right-hand man): (to his kin) Speaking of fine white powder, did you guys do all that coke last night?

Fred (Jimbo's other right-hand man): I don’t remember. I think we might have thrown it out with the pizza boxes. That’s where we were cutting it up.

Tony: Okay you guys!! This is what’s going to happen – Jimbo, you are going to take your father and you are going to go into the kitchen and pack up all the dishes in these moving blankets and then you are going to put them carefully into plastic garbage bags – you do have plastic garbage bags I take it, since you were the guys to come up with that brain child, - yeh? And then carry all the bags with dishes out to me here in the truck. Got it? (they nod) Good. Fred and Clem, you guys are going to get all beds and dressers out of the all the bedrooms and get them all down here outside the truck. Give me a sign you understand me. Good Yogi! Danny and Ivan will work on disassembling the living room and carrying it out. I’ll pack and stack in the back of the truck. Okay, let’s go men. No time to waste. I want to be out of here by 11:00 at the latest.

Act I (scene 2)

Loading the last non-packable items into the truck and battening down the back doors.

Tony: Hey, not bad guys. I wanted to be out of here by 11:00. It’s now 1:00. I hope things go a little smoother at the other end. Did you guys draw the map of where in hell this stuff is actually ending up? Or, did you pack all your pencils and paper? (Waits while Jimbo finishes the crude directions then takes the cardboard flap from him) So, what would be the nearest established urban centre on this map?

Jimbo: Prince George is just off the bottom right corner there. That road coming up out of the bottom, top actually, the way you got it there, it’s upside down. (Tony rotates map 180 degrees) Yeh, like that. That road coming up out of the bottom is the highway heading west out of Prince George. Maybe you should just turn it another 90 degrees and then it will be just right. Yeh, like that.

Tony: So, is this place on the Yellowhead then?

Jimbo: Not exactly. It’s a ways north on that road turning up the page there now.

Tony: Exactly how far north?

Jimbo: Well, I don’t rightly know in miles but it takes a little while. You go past three farm yards on your right and then our new place is the fourth yard and it’s on the left. You really can’t miss it.

Danny: (To Ivan) Amazing! Simply amazing. We are actually going to start out on this journey into the unknown with no more navigational assistance than the primitive etchings of caveman Thor over there?

Ivan: Don’t worry. It’ll be an adventure.

(Leaving back of truck and stage and reappearing one-at-a-time at the front of the truck and getting up into the cab)

Tony: (to Ivan) Here, hold this map. Guard it with your life. It may be the only thing that allows us to survive this trip. (Breaks into song) Come and listen to a story ‘bout a man named Jed . . .

Danny and Ivan: (together with Tony) A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed -

Tony, Danny, Ivan: (Laugh together)

Act I (scene 3)

Once they are all in the cab of the truck, they bear down for the long journey to Prince George.

Danny: So, who’re you going out with now Ivan? Anybody?

Ivan: Not really. There’s this one really amazing chick I met at the bus stop the other day. We talked like for an hour. She is one fine woman. We actually missed the bus on purpose so that we could keep talking. She’s kind of hot for me I think.

Tony: They’re all hot for you Ivan.

Danny: Yeh, sweating with fear of what might come out of your mouth next.

Ivan: But this one is different. We like, had this amazing conversation and the whole time we were talking we looked deep into each other’s eyes and it was like I’d known her before in another life and she said she knew exactly what I was talking about and that she felt this connection to me too. All the people at the bus stop were really into what we were talking about and I knew they were jealous of us being so close and intimate with each other.

Danny: How long have you known this woman?

Ivan: Well, I just met her yesterday and she’s not actually a woman. She was just seventeen –

Danny: (singing) . . . and you know what I mean . . .

Danny and Tony: (continuing to sing together) . . . and the way she looked was way beyond compare. Oh how could I dance with another, Ooooooo!! - when I saw her standing there?

Danny: We should start a band you guys.

Ivan: No, seriously, I find her really mature for seventeen. She is into a cosmic sort of existence –

Danny and Tony: (looking at each other and replying in unison) Drugs!

Ivan: No, really, she wants to spend more time together. I’m actually going to meet up with her on the weekend and we’re going to hang out together, maybe go down to the ocean. We want to sing to each other.

Danny and Tony: (nodding in affirmation) Yep – Drugs!

Danny: (continuing on) Bad drugs!

Tony: We probably should have made sure the boys were in their car and following us before we took off. They still had a few beers left.

Ivan: Why don’t you phone them?

Tony: Good idea Ivan, you’re thinking. (handing him his cell phone) Call this number (pointing to the number on the back of the map)

Danny: Glad to see that you’re more than just a pretty face Ivan.

(Ivan punches in the number and hands the cell phone back to Tony)

Tony: Hey guys, Tony here. (pause) The moving guys. (pause and then with some heightened frustrated impatience) The guys that just took all your stuff away in the fancy big painted truck, you know . . . those moving guys, yes . . . well done Jimbo! Are you guys heading out yet? We are on number one right now just at the Port Mann bridge. You guys’ll catch up to us pretty quick here eh? (pause) Alright, we’ll see you in a bit then. (signs off) (glancing at the other two and shaking his head) Fuckin’ hillbillies!

Danny: Still at it eh?

Tony: Yeh, we’ll be lucky to see them again today.

Ivan: Maybe it’ll be better if we don’t see them.

Tony: I don’t like the chances of all this stuff making it to Prince George in one piece. I mean, who packs dishes and cutlery and electric appliances in plastic garbage bags?

Danny: The Beverley Hillbillies I guess!

An uneventful series of events pass by on the long trip to Prince George. Finally the first of the three farms is in sight on the road to the drop-off destination.

Tony: That must be the first farm over there. Lucky it came along when it did. I was about to turn around and try again. That must have been twenty miles. I hope it’s not another twenty to the next one.

Ivan: Tony, do you have anything to eat in here man? I have this mega splitting headache.

Danny: I have some crackers and cheese here. Maybe that will do the trick?

Ivan: Yeh, that would be great. I haven’t eaten for so long. I think that’s why I have a headache.

Danny: When was the last time you ate?

Ivan: What day is it today?

Danny: You mean you didn’t eat today?

Ivan: I don’t think so – maybe some cereal when I got up.

Tony: Okay! There’s farm number two up ahead. Looks like another couple of clicks.

Danny: It doesn’t really look like there are any more farms down in that valley. I wonder how far it is to the third farm. Maybe the third farm is in the twilight zone. Imagine if you will, a farm of miniscule proportions. A farm so small that normal everyday travelers would not notice it unless they were to stop their vehicles on the side of the road to take a piss and then they actually pissed on it.

Tony: Danny, shut up. You’re making no sense.

Ivan: (jokingly) Yeh Danny, shut up.

Danny: Alright, I’ll shut up. I know when to stop talking. I know when people don’t want to listen to me any more. I’m not like some guys who just don’t know when to keep quiet. Those guys just keep talking even after they have been asked to shut up. It’s aggravating when a guy doesn’t know when to quit talking. I’ve heard of guys who have talked for over half an hour after they have been asked to shut up, but not me, if you –

Tony: Don’t make me stop this truck – I’ll kick your ass.

Danny: Got it.

Tony: Good. I’m glad we understand each other.

Ivan: I don’t understand either one of you guys.

Danny: What’s to understand? I’m intelligent, Tony’s an idiot. Tony is suffering from brain damage – post concussion syndrome I believe they call it – he got boxing – defending his zero and twenty-eight record.

Tony: (laughing to Danny) You’re riding in the back, strapped to the wall after we unload this pile of shit.

Ivan: Farm ho mateys! There it is – dead ahead.

Tony: Yeh, but that’s only the third farm. Who knows how far it’s going to be past here. We left Prince George an hour and a half ago. That’s half an hour between each farm.

Danny: That’s pretty good Tony. You should be a math teacher. The way you cipher is shore purrrdy. Weee doggie.

Ivan: Okay, those crackers helped. I just hope I don’t get one of my migraines. I can’t see when that happens. Everything just goes all white. It’s really kind of scary. So is there any chance that we will be back on the Coast tonight?

Tony: That is my plan. If we can get these guys unloaded in one big hurry, we might just make it.

Danny: If we can get these guys unloaded! More like if we can get these guys mobile and if we can get to the farmhouse and if we can develop the Grand Unifying Theory of Everything. Getting unloaded will be a piece of cake compared to finding the boys and where they live. What’s the alternate plan if we don’t make the last ferry?

Tony: We can just sleep in the back of the truck at the terminal. I’ve done that before.

Danny: I bet you just wake up all fresh and chipper after that eh?

Tony: No more than usual. I can hardly wait to get you alone in the back Danny.

Danny: Aaaaaggghhhh!!! But remember how you always said how you liked Ivan better? Mommiiiiiiieee!! I want my mommy!

Act I (Scene 4)

Some time passes and the ’Clampett’ homestead is in sight.

Ivan: Well, at last. I thought we would never see this place.

Tony: Alright, when we get there, here is the plan. We are just going to get this stuff into the house fast. We are not going to worry too much where everything goes. If we wait for these guys to make a decision we won’t make the last ferry tomorrow either and besides, the boys don’t impress me as being an over-particular bunch anyway.

As the truck pulls into the yard, the actors notice a few things.

Danny: Well, it doesn’t look like the kinfolk got ahead of us on the road anyway. The Clampettmobile isn’t here yet.

Ivan: But they do have extra help waiting for us. Looks like some other crew is here.

Tony: I guess they don’t believe in lawn mowers up in these here parts. Maybe they are going into the hay business or cattle or something. Fuck, what was that?

Danny: What was what?

Tony: That! What just hit the window!!

Danny: I think it was a grasshopper or something.

Tony: It’s a mosquito. They’re all mosquitoes. Look at the size of those things. They’re like sparrows or something. Oh this will be fun. This will be immense fun. This will be more fun than we have ever had before and, you know why it will be so much fucking fun? Eh?

Ivan and Danny: Why Tony?

Danny: Tell us Tony – why will it be so much fucking fun?

Tony: Because we will all be able to take a break once in awhile when we move the stuff in.

Danny: (confused) What?

Tony: Well, when we get tired we can just let the mosquitoes carry the couches and chairs and stuff. Make sure your windows are closed. We can’t afford to lose too much blood before we get this load off the truck. I’m going in. (Tony leaves and runs like hell toward the house and doesn’t even knock – he just barges in).

Danny: I like the way Tony just fits into any crowd. He sure knows how to make himself at home.

Ivan: I hope the rest of the crew gets here soon. It would be nice to unload this in a hurry.

Some time passes before the original clients pull into the yard. The four of them stumble out of the vehicle and make their way into the house.

Ivan: Do you think Tony will be alright in there with all those guys?

Danny: More like, do you think all those guys will be alright in there with Tony? I think Tony may be kicking some ass as we speak.

In a few minutes, Tony runs out of the house and jumps into the truck.

Tony: Well, men we have some good news and we have some bad news. Our boys are all drunk.

Danny: Was that the good news or the bad news?

Tony: (ignoring Danny) And, it seems that these other fuckers haven’t packed yet and all their stuff is still in the fucking house.

Danny: I guess that would be the bad news.

Ivan: What’s the good news?

Tony: I haven’t killed anyone.

Ivan and Danny: (in unison) Yet!!

Tony: Okay, you guys, come into the house. I am going to draw up the plan for these guys. I want you to hear it too so we can get moving and get the hell out of here. Be prepared to meet the cast of Ozark folk from “Deliverance”. They’ve even got a kid in there playing banjo.

Ivan: Really?

Danny: (staring at Ivan in disbelief) I know you are young Ivan but stay with the program here.

Tony: The collective IQ in that house right now is about 35.

Danny: That’s moron level – right on the border of moron and imbecile. (to Ivan) Just nod and agree Ivan – I’ll explain later.

The three movers jump out of the truck and enter the house. Everyone is next seen standing behind the truck looking up at Tony (dressed as Darth Vader or a drill sergeant or . . .) who is standing in the back of the truck looking down at the entire entourage. He is giving instructions in no uncertain terms. Everyone is swatting at mosquitoes.

Tony: Alright, everybody listen. I’m going to say this once and once only and there will be no questions when I’m done so make sure you are completely focused on what I am telling you. I will go slowly so that everyone has a chance to catch all the instructions. Let me begin. Everyone look at their watches. The big hand is on the twelve and the little hand is on the six. When the big hand is back on the twelve and the little hand has moved to the seven – we will be driving out of here in this moving truck and, it will be empty. Whatever outgoing stuff is not placed in that shed and whatever incoming stuff is not in the house will be in a pile where you are now standing and you guys can fight over it when we are counting our money on the way back to Vancouver. I am a peaceful man but I am a heartbeat away from committing my first violent crime of the day, so if all of you would like to continue breathing in and out without medical intervention - get the hell moving - right now!!

The first Act draws to a close as the Act One Moving Company directs, in a most orchestrative fashion, the Clampetts and the Ozark Mountain Boys in a flurry of moving techniques not seen before (or since). The house was emptied. The shed was filled. The house was refilled and there was only a small pile of belongings on the ground as the truck pulled out of the yard. Tony’s cell phone rings as the lights go down.

Tony: Hello, Act One Movers, Tony speaking . . .

And the next adventure begins.

End of Act One (to be continued)