Moving On

Someone brought mini hot dogs to the reception and I can’t seem to stop eating them. I shouldn’t feel bad about that, I’m the one who’s supposed to be in mourning here. I’m getting tired of everyone's half-assed pity and generic responses to when someone loses a loved one. “She’s in a better place.”, “I’m sorry for your loss.”, “I’m here if you need to talk.” There is nothing anyone can do or say to bring my sister back. Until then, I’m just going to guard the food table.

I shake the last person’s hand. “You’ve hardly said anything since the service, are you going to be okay?” He says. I can only muster enough energy to nod my head in assurance. He gives half a smile and walks to his car. I watch him pull off from the driveway and travel down the dirt path that leads to the main road. I let out a sigh of relief that I no longer have to entertain people. Not that I had to do much anyway, I just want to be alone now. I look around the house and it’s a complete mess. I don’t want to clean right now. I have to do it sometime. I should just do it. As I pick up a trash bag, I can’t seem to bring myself to move my legs and start cleaning. Just looking at the mess is all I can do. So I drop the bag and walk out to the front porch.

I reach over to grab the pack of cigarettes I leave on the table but the lighter is nowhere in sight because of course, it is. Letting out an exacerbated sigh, I observe the open field before me. Reminiscing of times when this farm was a real farm. Now all I can see is overgrown grass and a rundown barn. The red paint chipping away. more and more every time the wind blows by, barely being able to stand as it is.

As I stare off into the distance a faint glow catches my eye, like the sun reflecting from a mirror. It’s coming from the barn. I look over and the glow is coming from a white figure standing in front of it. I’m confused to see someone as I thought everyone had left already. The figure enters the barn, so I get up and walk over to confront them. “Hey, the reception is over and you’re not supposed to be in here.” I sternly say from the barn doors. No response. I enter the barn but there is no one in sight. Was my mind playing tricks on me? I could have sworn I saw someone. My eye catches a weird mark on the wall behind some old hay. I push aside the pile of hay and see an old carving in the wood of some Star Wars quote that Tracy and I did as kids. A faint smile slowly appears on my face

“Roan, you must go to the Dagobah system,” A strange voice says behind me. I let out a small scream, causing me to fall as I turn around. The glow is back, but this time as an aura of a familiar woman. I can recognize that specific combover with the shaved sides anywhere. The dyed white hair seems fitting now. It’s Tracy. “What the hell?” I shout. Her laughter echoes through the entire barn.

“Oh my god, I’ve always wanted to do that.” She says with glee. “But your reaction is what sold it.” Backing up against the wall in fear, I worry if I’m losing my mind. “This isn’t happening,” I whisper to myself.

“Come on, don’t be stupid. We’ve watched too many horror movies together for you to not believe in ghosts.” She says.

“You can’t be a ghost. Ghosts aren’t real.” I respond.

“Yeah, you’re right, I’m not a ghost. I’m actually just your subconscious coming out to help you with your current trauma in the form of your sister.”

“Okay, miss ‘I took psych 101’. That can’t be a real thing.”

“Is anything real?”

Still puzzled and now slightly annoyed, I bring my head down between my knees and arms.

I can still feel her staring at me, so I count to three and check to see if she’s gone. When I look up I don’t see anyone. So I stand up and let out a relieved sigh.

“Yeah, I’m still here dude.” She says now to my right. I jump and release another small scream.

“Can you at least stop doing that?” I assert.

“Oh, big man now. Twenty-five and still living in our parent's old house.”

“I have nothing to prove to you. Everybody moves forward on their own time.”

“Remember when we were kids and we would hunt ghosts in here?”

“Yeah, it was fun until you’d scare me every time.”

“Oh grow up. We still had fun.”

I watch as she looks around the old barn. Happily walking around as if I wasn’t just at her funeral.

I open my mouth to speak “Tracy, I-“

“How come you never went to pursue art like you said you would?” She interrupts.

“What?”

“You’ve always been good at drawing. You said you wanted to get into the video game industry as an animator. What happened?”

“A lot happened. After mom and dad died, and you left, I had to take care of the farm.”

Tracy chuckles slightly. “Look around you, Roan. There is no farm to take care of anymore.

Becoming frustrated, I slowly stop talking.

“There you go again, anytime someone tries to tell you something you just stop talking. Everyone hates it when you do that. But no, you don’t care.”

I don’t say anything and just stare at the floor. Unable to think or feel anything other than anger and frustration. She doesn’t get it. She wasn’t here. I had to do so much for this farm. Paid every last penny I could to keep it because that’s what dad wanted. I can finally do whatever I want now, and after everything I’ve had to put myself through, I want to do nothing. Just sit and enjoy the land I have. She just wouldn’t understand.

Tracy puts a hand on my shoulder. I hate it but I can’t move right now. “I just want the best for you. It’s what I’ve always wanted.” She says, “Remember when I used to get scared at night when we were kids?”

I finally look her in the eye.

“As you know, I used to run out to your room and sleep in your bed with you because you always made me feel safe. Well, one night, I was especially scared because the animals wouldn’t shut up about some wolves that dad was taking care of and a tree branch was hitting my window at the same time. I went to your room but you weren’t there. You were staying the night at a friend's house at the time or something. So I ran out to the barn and hid next to the carving you made. I was ready to sleep there for the rest of the night the second I finished crying. But then I heard a voice. I didn’t even need to look up to see what it was, because I knew it was you. I didn’t care how you knew where I was or why you came home early. I was just so happy to see you that I wrapped my arms around you as tightly as I could and you carried me back to bed.”

“I remember that night. I had a feeling you were in trouble, so I asked Tommy’s mom if she could take me back home. As I walked up the pathway, I heard you crying.” I respond

“That’s who you are Roan, you’ve always been there for people. No matter what you were doing, you would find your own way to help people. It was great and all, but over time you stopped doing things for yourself. You started living your life by doing whatever people told you to do, no matter how unhappy it made you. You went above and beyond for people and never made time do to things for yourself.”

“If I did, I felt guilty because I felt like I was wasting time.”

“Exactly, it was like you were gone and this other Roan was here. One who couldn’t just say no. When mom and dad passed, and you agreed to take the farm, I didn’t think there was anything I could do to convince you not to. Is this really what you want?”

I’m silent for a minute, which makes Tracy let out an annoyed sigh. “I don’t know,” I respond.

“What?” She says.

“I don’t know what I want. I didn’t expect to be alive this long. I just want everything to be simple again and I didn’t have to feel so bad all the time.”

“There it is.” She declares. “You’re emotionally stunted and it’s keeping you from moving on. If you want to get better, you need to deal with everything that’s holding you back.” Tracy wraps her arms around me. “Even if that includes me.”

I bury my head in her shoulder and allow the tears swelling my eyes to fall. I feel like a faucet on my chest has been turned on and I’m letting out everything that I’ve ever held inside.

“Thank you, Tracy,” I utter out. When I look up, she is gone. No, where to be seen. It hurts, but I think I can recover this time. I walk back into the house and observe the mess that is still there. It’s almost overwhelming still, but I want it gone. So, I pick up the trash bag I dropped on the ground earlier and start cleaning up. From now on, I’m going to do what’s right for me. Today, it starts with a clean house. Tomorrow, a real estate agent.