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More Like Me

mental health and magic

By Raine fielderPublished 2 years ago 21 min read
1
More Like Me
Photo by Ethan Hoover on Unsplash

The way things looked today, moving slowly around her as she rearranged the things on her bedside table for the third time. She tried not to think about the test that was forthcoming this evening. The headmistress had warned her to be there on time today, this was her last chance and if she was late again she would fail out of the program. Part of her thought that maybe she was missing the test on purpose to avoid the embarrassment of failing. Her powers were progressing, but her issues made it almost impossible to focus enough to control them. Like most people her powers were linked to her emotions and that was her weakness, keeping her emotions in check. Her mood swings were erratic, and her temper had surprised even her quite a few times. This semester was even harder because her boyfriend, Galen, had graduated and left her alone with her poor social skills and not many friends.

“Bellona,” she heard someone call to her. She turned to see Abigail, her favorite teacher, standing in the doorway of her dorm. She motioned for Abi to come in, she sauntered in and plopped down on the small sofa, more like a friend would than a teacher.

“Just cleaning my room,” Bellona said.

“Isn’t your test today? The semester final?” Abi asked.

“Trying to avoid thinking about it actually,” she sighed, straightening her lamp for the thousandth time then setting carefully on the edge of her bed. Her hands folding together in a knot as she tried to laugh at herself but managed only a weak smile.

“Bellona…” Abi sighed, “there is no reason to be nervous, you are so talented and intelligent, you just need to focus and not let yourself get in the way.”

“Yea well that’s kind of the problem, I can’t leave myself at home while I take the test.”

Abi tried to give her a sympathetic laugh, “So what else is going on? How is Galen? We all miss him.”

“He’s doing great, he sends me messages when he can, but you know how busy it is on the first journey for a Dragon trainer.”

“Has he found any yet? Out in the wild? There are rumors of endangerment for dragons, not many left in the wild.”

“Galen thinks they are hiding from the poachers, that’s the only reason he is okay with being a trainer, they are safer with us than out in the wild after the rise of dragon slaying.”

“He’s probably right, they are smarter than most people give them credit for, one would think such a big creature would have a hard time hiding but they are rumored to have abilities we don’t know.”

“I didn’t know that, I wonder if Galen does, probably so, he’s raised them his whole life at his parents’ stable.”

Abi smiled at her, “Bellona, look…” she nodded to Bellona’s bedside table where her picture of Galen was floating in the air.

“OH GREAT! I just got done arranging that table,” she wailed as the picture fell on the floor.

“You were thinking about him…” Abi smiled, “see your powers are better than you think, you didn’t even notice you were doing that.”

“That’s the problem I have no control, no focus, my powers are so tied to my emotions that things like that just happen when I get emotional.”

“No harm in that sometimes… maybe instead of trying to separate your powers from your emotions like you have tried in the past, and instead of focusing on your powers, you should focus on controlling your emotions and your powers will follow.”

“That sounds a lot easier than it actually is, I have a mood disorder…”

“I know, and I know you’ve said before you aren’t sure about treatment after what happened last time, but maybe you should think about it again.”

“You mean when the school counselor told me I was being an irrational woman and asked if it was my time of the month and I got suspended for breaking all the windows in his office?”

Abi laughed, “I tried to get you out of that because he totally asked for it, but you don’t need him, he’s a gingfabble. I know a woman in the village that is a real psychologist who will take you seriously and may be able to help or give you some medication.”

“I’m not sure about medicine, besides I don’t have time, my test is TODAY,” Bellona sobbed and fell back on her bed.

“Let me see what I can do about that,” Abi said, standing up.

“You think you can talk the headmistress into waiting, I mean I’ve skipped it so many times already, and I’m convinced she hates me,” Bellona said raising up and resting on her elbows.

“She doesn’t hate you, she is just harder on people who have to most potential, trust me I know my big sister very well, and I also know how to talk her into stuff,” Abi winked at her.

And with that, Abi sauntered out the door without shutting it behind her. Most of the girls left their doors open during the day because this was an all-girl floor just by coincidence. They all went in each other’s rooms to hang out, so shutting and locking the door all the time was time consuming. Bellona tried leaving hers open sometimes but since she didn’t have the social skills to make friends it was pretty pointless. She lay there on the bed for a long time weighing her options when she got a text, it was Abi telling her the test had been postponed to next week. Well that, at least, was a relief but she knew Abi expected her to go to the psychologist. Just as the thought crossed her mind, Abi sent another text with directions to the office.

“I don’t want to do this,” she said aloud to the empty room. She peeled herself off the bed and sat there staring at the directions. She hadn’t showered in like two days and had barely managed to get dressed today, some weeks were like this. She decided she didn’t need to get fixed up, it was better that this Dr. sees the raw unfiltered Bellona anyway. She ran a brush through her hair and threw on a hoodie and some boots. It was probably going to be cold out and that made her want to stay home even more. She took a deep breath and left her room. This journey seemed like it was probably more difficult than Galen’s first dragon journey. Walking through the halls and hearing all the people laughing and talking, she knew it probably wasn’t always true, but she always felt like they were laughing at her and talking about her. Of course, there was the possibility they were because of her obvious fairy heritage.

The hipster types thought it was exotic and “cool” to have fairy ancestors, but the higher society people thought that fairies were savage and unrefined, even all these years after their coexistence. It started because fairies lived in the forest and never went to school, their magic was natural, and they didn’t need training, maybe they were somewhat jealous. This generation wasn’t as bad, but she supposed some of that speciesism had passed on to a few, though it was frowned upon in public. There wasn’t a way to hide it because fairies always had naturally unnatural hair colors, like pink, purple, blue or green. Some people tried to emulate those colors to claim heritage, but it wasn’t the same, a fairy’s hair sparkled in an unusual way that human hair couldn’t. Bellona wasn’t a full fairy, and neither were her parents, but her grandmother had been half. Maybe her physical differences had attributed to some of her social anxiety, she’d have to talk to the Dr. about that as well.

Before she knew it, she was fighting the cold wind and snow through the village. Despite not wanting to leave her room, she loved the aesthetic of the village. Quiet little shops that looked ancient, some of them were. They had a coffee shop right outside of campus and she stopped to get a drink, which was crisis number one million today. Ordering was a nightmare to her, she always panicked and prepared exactly what she would say word for word over and over before she got to the head of the line. She ordered her hot apple cider and paid with her unicard, a play on the words unicorn and university their school thought was clever. Unicorns were the most expensive pets and became sort of a code word for money. Bellona hated it because she grew up in the country near the forest where wild unicorns had been her friends. She didn’t like the idea of people locking them up as pets and especially didn’t like that people saw them as something to barter. The unicorns would hate it too, she thought, she knew they preferred the wilderness and freedom.

She sipped her warm drink and glanced at the directions on her phone again to make sure she was headed in the right direction. She kept her head down for multiple reasons, glancing up only to read the street signs. The swirling iron poles with wooden engraved planks had whimsical names etched on them like puff-dragon avenue. and candy-elf street. As if the people naming the streets would ever talk to a candy Elf if they saw one. The office she was seeking was on the corner of Pegasus and Main. She walked into the small office and saw a short man sitting behind a desk typing on a laptop. She walked over, “I don’t have an appointment, but I was wondering if I could speak to Dr. Boston.” She shrank back hoping for easy interaction. “The Dr is with a patient, but she has an opening after this, you can wait here,” he answered without even looking away from the screen. He was thin and bald with wirerimmed glasses. He looked young but also like the type of person who had never looked young in his life like he was born an adult that was annoyed by everyone else.

When it was her turn the man got up and put his hand on her back and led her to a door, he smiled as she walked into the room, it was like his kindness had been a deep dark secret for the past thirty minutes. When she walked in the lady smiled at her warmly, she was well dressed and polished looking but not too polished. Bellona introduced herself and sat down on the edge of the chair.

“You can relax,” said the Dr.

“What do you mean?”

“You can set all the way back and cozy up in the chair, it’s cold outside, we are just going to chat and get to know each other, think of this as a new friendship.”

Bellona blinked, a new friendship would have her in panic mode right now, the only thing helping was that this was a total stranger she had the option of never seeing again.

“Is that a problem?” Dr. Boston prodded.

“No, no…” she lied, rethought it, and said, “Yes actually, I just have a hard time with friends, people in general really, and it might be easier if I just pretend like what I say here won’t affect my regular life.”

“Well I would hope that it does, that’s kind of the point, right?” she smiled.

“Right, well yea but I just the pressure of trying to impress people kind of makes me put walls up, so it’s easier if I think of this as a place to let it all out.”

“I see, well that is exactly what this place is, and I hope that you are open here, it will make things easier for both of us, and you can think of me however you need to, to do that.”

“Thank you”

“But why do you think that is? That you feel pressure to impress people?”

“I mean, aren’t you supposed to tell me?”

Dr. Boston laughed, “therapy doesn’t really work like that, I’m not a psychic, I just know what you tell me about yourself, and then I can guide you into helping yourself get better.

“Well… see my hair?” Bellona asked. The dr. nodded, and Bellona continued, “that’s part of it, I always felt insecure about it.”

“Because it’s fairy hair?”

“Right, and I grew up out in the wilderness, which I loved but most of my friends were animals, even when there were other children like at school, I just didn’t relate to them as I did with the animals.”

“Well, there’s nothing wrong with that.”

“THERE ISN’T?”

“No, some people prefer the company of animals, it shows that you have empathy and compassion because you can communicate with them without words, right?”

“Yes, exactly, I mean lots of people say a lot of things but you never know if they mean it or not but animals just are… you know? They don’t have boundaries, they either like you or they don’t, and they don’t hide how they feel.”

“That’s true, but at the same time that it’s okay to prefer their company, we do have to have human relationships as well, it’s a part of life.”

“Right and that’s certainly one of my issues but I have a big test coming up and I really need to focus on controlling my emotions, and mood swings.”

Dr. Boston laughed again, “have patience we will get to that.”

The session lasted for what seemed like only a few minutes, but it had been an hour. She left feeling lighter though. She waved to the receptionist as she left and decided to text Galen on the way home. He was happy for her that she finally decided to talk to someone about her issues. The Dr. had made a special time slot during her lunch break for Bellona, so she could come to talk daily since she had special circumstances regarding her impending test. Since finals were over for most students there were no classes for a few weeks, so she spent the rest of her afternoons and evenings practicing for the test. She was getting better even though it didn’t feel like she was going to the Doctor, it felt like she was just having lunch with a friend and talking. She had even gotten to know the receptionist a little better, Harold had been working on a novel. Which is why he seemed so distracted and dismissive unless he left his laptop. It was Friday and the last day of sessions before the test, which was on Monday.

“How do you feel today?” Dr. Boston asked.

“A lot better but kind of nervous about the test.”

“That’s natural, but since I won’t see you again before the test you need to have a plan for the weekend to distract yourself.”

“You mean… not study or practice?”

“Right, I mean you know you will pass if you can focus, you know what you’re doing, the only problem is your emotions, so we need to think of something relaxing that you enjoy keeping you in this peaceful place.”

“I like to spend time with Galen, but you know…”

“Right, what about hanging out with him did you like? What did you guys do together?”

“We would watch old movies and talk, just normal things…”

“I know you miss him, but you need to focus on you while he’s gone, other people can’t be your source of fulfillment.”

“I know, it has just been so hard sometimes, knowing what to do, I have a hard time with decisions because it feels like so much has been decided for me… I’m kind of excited now, to be alone and do what I want to do because I want to, and not because someone else is deciding.”

“That’s great.”

“And another thing I’ve found since coming here is that my creativity is better instead of worse.”

“What do you mean? Did you think it would be worse?”

“Well yeah, I mean I’ve always been an outcast and unusual and I thought my mental issues were a part of that like if I fixed those I would be just a boring regular person.”

Dr. Boston laughed, “a lot of people assume that, that their personality will change once they get better, that they will lose their uniqueness but it’s actually quite the opposite.”

“I’m learning that it’s almost like my issues were actually in the way of me being my truest self and each day that I learn to cope it’s like I’m actually becoming… more like me.”

The Doctor smiled at her.

After the session, Dr. Boston had Harold set up Bellona on a more regular schedule since the test would be behind her next week.

“Good luck on your test Bell,” he said.

“Thanks, how’s that novel coming along?”

“Almost finished.”

“Good, I can’t wait to get my copy,” she waved at him and went out the door.

Outside she called Galen and told him about her day so far and he told her about his, as was their routine. She got back to her dorm room in time to see some girls putting up a banner outside her neighbor’s room. It said, “Party at 8”. She stopped, and tapped one of the girls on the shoulder, “who all is invited?”

“The entire building, you should come it is going to be a blast, everyone is ready to let off steam since the finals are over.”

“Right,” she bit her lip knowing she hadn’t taken her last final yet.

“Come on, you work harder than anyone on our floor, you deserve a break,” the girl who Bellona honestly hadn’t remembered seeing before said.

“Okay, I might,” she smiled and went into her room.

It was odd. Is that what some people thought about her? That she was isolated all the time because she was working so hard on school work? She had always just assumed they thought she was a loner freak. And maybe some of them did, which didn’t matter but it was weird to actually hear a stranger say what they thought about her, and it wasn’t an insult or embarrassing as she had feared. Maybe she would join the party after all. She spent the rest of the day napping and getting ready for the party. Something she hadn’t done since high school, which Galen pointed out to her on the phone.

“Just have fun, don’t worry about your outfit, these people see you every day. They don’t care what you look like.”

“I know but I do, I feel like this is special…” she sighed, “I wish you could be here, celebrating with me.”

“Me too, I miss you, but you are doing this for you remember, not me, not anyone else, you deserve to have fun and you got this.”

“Thank you.”

They got off the phone and she got dressed, she knew parties here meant just opening your door and wandering around the hallway. She took a deep breath and opened the door.

The next day she woke up in her bed with her clothes still on, the door was still open, and a couple of girls were asleep on her floor. She smiled, despite the feeling of wanting desperately to clean her room rising up inside her. The two girls invited her to go to breakfast and then shopping, to which she agreed. This distraction thing was a lot easier than she had feared it would be. The weekend seemed to fly by and on Monday morning she heard a knock on her door well before seven. It was Abi waking her up for the test. She started rambling as soon as she opened the door and saw Bellona was waking up, “So, there is some good news, my sister is, of course, giving the test, but her assistant has already gone home for break, so she needs someone else to go against you in the test and guess who it will be?”

“Ugh it’s so early,” Bellona groaned.

“It’s me!” Abi yelled.

It was too early to be excited, but Bellona was relieved that she would be working with someone she was comfortable with instead of the Headmistress’ squirrely assistant, who really didn’t know what he was doing anyway.

Abi waited for her as she got dressed and prepared. They drove to the location of the test which was fifteen minutes outside of town in a completely unpopulated area. The nature of the test required isolation from people due to the nature of the things they would be doing. The first few levels were basic lifting things, relocating them, teleportation, simple everyday magic. The hardest part was the fight she would have to simulate with Abi. Abi was a teacher of magic, and Bellona would have to beat her.

“If you let her win, I will know,” the headmistress told Abi, “but don’t hurt her.”

“Are you kidding? have you seen her in action? I’m more worried about her hurting me,” Abi laughed. Bellona didn’t, that’s what scared her the most, at least this was someone she liked and wouldn’t be as tempted to get angry during the fight, but it also made her more nervous. They put on special armor to be as safe as possible.

Abi went first and threw a simple fireball, which Bellona blocked easily. She threw one back and Abi blocked it.

“Don’t hold back! This is a test not practice, let me see what you can really do!” The headmistress yelled.

Bellona looked nervously at Abi who nodded, coaxing her to give it all she had. Bellona held out her arms and pulled the air up, ivy came up out of nowhere even though the ground was covered in snow and wrapped around Abi’s legs and waist. Bellona pulled her hands into her chest and the teacher went down, face first. She caught herself and lay in a pushup position ready to get up, but Bellona was quicker, and ivy came up and pulled her arms to the ground.

“Good… but I can still use my voice,” Abi grunted. She started to command some magic to release herself, but Bellona brought twenty barn owls to swarm around her, their screeching drowning out any sound she made. The birds then covered her body and lifted her and turned her onto her back. A single red rose came out of the ground and covered Abi’s mouth. It wasn’t just any wild rose, it was a sleeping rose, one that put your opponent to sleep instantly. She was done before it was even over.

“I’m sorry if it didn’t last long enough,” Bellona turned to the headmistress.

“Bellona, I have to say I had high expectations for you…” she paused.

Bellona felt her chest tighten and held her breath waiting for the inevitable letdown.

“…and you exceeded them all,” she finished.

“Really? It wasn’t too… soft?” Bellona gasped, barely able to talk.

“It was beautiful, you completely rendered her useless without harming a hair on her head and it was so colorful and lovely, we aren’t witches, out to destroy or kill, magic can be dangerous, or it can be useful… and rarely, given the right heart wielding it, it can also be art. YOU, my dear, are an artist.”

Bellona felt a tear come out and didn’t even attempt to hide it, “So I… I passed?”

“With flying colors!” she exclaimed and put an arm around her for a second, which passed for a hug for someone as rigid as her.

“Should I untie her and wake her up?”

“Untie her, but maybe leave her asleep until I leave, when she hears you passed, I fear she may never stop screaming and rambling,” the headmistress said, and Bellona noticed a grin playing at the corner of her lips, that was a first. Bellona smiled back, and the headmistress walked away in silence. When she woke up Abi and told her she found out how well the headmistress knew her sister, she didn’t stop talking all the way back to campus.

“I knew you could do this,” Abi said for the thousandth time pulling into the parking area.

“I really can’t thank you enough, if you hadn’t talked me into therapy… my whole life would be different, I mean I know I’ve just been going for a week, and I have a long way to go but the first step of just getting on the right track gives me hope.”

“Hope goes a long way,” Abi smiled.

Short Story
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About the Creator

Raine fielder

Raine has been writing poetry since she was in seventh grade. She has written several poems, song lyrics, short stories and five books. Writing has been her passion for her whole life.

https://linktr.ee/RaineFielder

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