Moment Of Truth

I felt my muscles loosen with the steaming mineral rich waters after tossing, unable to sleep.

The baths were silent at 2 am which suited me perfectly. My coach-de facto was in bed resting. His lack of hovering gave me time to ponder a few things. Just a moment to think of the last few months.

I have heard him speak of his two ‘Ls’, Life and Love. Two concepts on the same ice. For years, I had fancied myself a skater worthy of competing but never seeing myself in his world. After my routines to On Love: Eros and Yuri on Ice, there were things growing that were ignored by me in favor of becoming worthy. My coach is a man that I have idolized for most of my skating career. As children, my childhood friend and I sat, watching on in awe as the Russian man took flight with his jumps and mastery of the sport. The way the lights twinkled in mirth off those blue eyes captivating all that saw. The way that he moved flowed effortlessly from his pores and created a transcendence from mortal to a God. An ethereal being none were blessed enough to conspire with but only allowed the luxury to view in small plots of time.

Never have I thought I would see his heart; learn the differences between his smiles. Take him from the pedestal the world sat him on and see him in the suits he wore as my mortal coach.

When his mouth is drawn into a heart as his eyes are closed, he is excited or exaggerating a topic to deflect. It gives the feel of child-like glee painted corner to corner.

When he does the same smile with open eyes, he’s nervous. Anxious almost. He tends to watch on shyly as if gauging the reaction to the request he’s made. Last time I saw it was when he came into our shared room in Barcelona. It was after his swim that he suggested shared body heat to warm him up. I was so selfishly blind to him. I wish I knew sooner…

Seeing the moon’s reflection on steaming water reminded me of my favorite smile. It is a smile I didn’t understand for so long. A look he shared with his sweet poodle and few others. The azure gaze was soft and almost invisible to an unknown viewer. His thoughts and worries plastered on strong elven features so symmetrical. The smile was cautious on teeth even though enough of the pearly bones would captivate whom they settled on in a crowd. Always, a carnation pink flush would grace his nasal bridge, each time showing the world his fragility IF they knew where to look.

Between his words are self seeking barbs that tear at his supple skin and glass heart. It is lonely at the top for him. I’ve always prayed I could meet him where he was at the top, if not but to share the burden. After failing time after time… I never thought an unsolicited video would give me the chance to step from his shadow and peer at the world from his perspective.

Laying my head back, I thought of his words to me at the airport. “This almost sounds like a marriage proposal.” A marriage of happenstance and shared confessions?

With my anxiety quieted some in the wee hours of the morning, words I didn’t have the courage to say or words for, brewed. Steeped like strong tea and renewed like freshly bloomed cherry blossoms in the spring air.

“I promise to meet you where you are. No matter the loneliness a top the podium or the joy at the dog park. I swear to protect all your smiles. From the plastic stamp glued to your skin. To the tiny upturned lips and sparkling eyes creased in amazement. I dedicate my life to showing you that being my coach and idol have given us an opportunity to not walk in past mistakes. Only walk, stumble and skate into an unknown future I only want to share with you.”

A sharp gasp made it to my ears but I knew the voice without turning to confirm. It was him. Looking back, he stood cut from granite slabs and cloaked in the finest Japanese silk. His eyes, wide and partially hidden by the long, cheek sweeping fringe shone bright and hopeful.

Normally, my own anxiety would be a strong answering force but, I was as calm as the hot springs. Small ripples extended from me and returned in a gentle lap. The shy smile was tiny and unsure, as if my words had not sank into his mind to nourish his spirit. It made sense finally.

Life and Love.

The two things he wanted were the two things he’d given me. It was for me to share them with him if I could. Something so small was keeping things so far between us. So basic and yet, overthought by my anxiety addled mind.

With something or someone you loved, you could have a life anywhere. Life is the colors painting the picture book telling your story. They move seamlessly like a trained pair of ice dancers. Constantly aware of each other's movements in the shared arena. Aware of how one's movements would be inflicted on the other. Constantly moving like twins stars dancing on a central pivot where they exist to no one but each other.

My life had been focused on him and never realized how much! How much he played a part in my daily life. My career and growth attributable to the man beside me. Seeing him unsure beside me stoked a fire in me. Without warning, I captured his hand holding the good luck charm and lifted it to my own mouth, kissing it with the same reverence he had with my skate.

Hoping my actions said what my waning confidence couldn’t. The blush danced high on our cheeks but the comfortable silence wore on as we settled shoulder to shoulder. The rings firmly pressed together as we shared space in understanding Life and Love in this moment in time.

Each comforted by our moment of truth.