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Mixed Fruits and Metaphors

EXT. GARDEN OF EDEN. DAY.

By Sid MarkPublished about a year ago 6 min read
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Adam is busily scribbling on a piece of paper with a pencil when God quietly walks up beside him.

God: Hey Adam, what's up?

Adam: Oh, uh... hey, there, God. I was just, you know, coming up with some more animal names.

God: I thought you named all the animals already.

Adam: The Mediterranean animals, yeah. But I figure that you've got a lot of animals in other climates that still need names.

God: What's a 'polar bear'?

Adam: Geez, I don't know. A bear that like poles? You don't have to use it if you don't want.

God: No, no, it's a good name. I'll come up with something. Ooh, I like this one. Kangaroo. Sounds like something you could put in your pocket. Speaking of which, I noticed you're wearing trousers stitched together from leaves.

Adam: Oh, that. Yeah, I was feeling a little self-conscious with all my, you know, parts hanging out.

God: Did you eat from that tree I told you not to eat from?

Adam: Ummmm... Actually that was the woman.

God: The woman? You mean Eve?

Adam: No, the other woman. Of course Eve.

God: Don't get smart with me, mister. You've got a lot more ribs.

Adam: Ok, sorry. Anyway, Eve said the snake told her it was ok...."

God: The snake? Eve is listening to snakes now?

Adam: She goes a little crazy for a few days around this time of the month.

God: Man, I knew talking animals were a mistake.

Adam: You mean the animals really can talk? I thought Eve had gotten into the happy mushrooms again.

God: That's it, no more talking animals. Also, the snake is going to have to crawl around on its belly from now on.

Adam: As opposed to...?

God: Well, walking on its legs, of course.

Adam: Snakes don't have legs.

God: Of course they do. Four stubby little legs.

Adam: You're thinking of a lizard.

God: No, I'm pretty sure it's a snake.

Adam: No, the ones with legs are called lizards. Remember, you wanted to call them all "snakes" but I said that I thought we needed a different name for the ones with legs. So I came up with "lizards."

God: Oh yeah. It's too bad in a way.

Adam: What?

God: I was really looking forward to pulling its legs off.

Adam: Maybe just remove the wings?

God: Yeah, that'll learn it. No more winged snakes. Oh, and one more thing: I have to kick you out of the garden.

Adam: Oh. Because of the fruit thing?

God: Yeah. Rules are rules.

Adam: Ok. It was getting kind of dull in here anyway. What's it like out there?

God: To be honest, most of it is kind of crummy compared to this.

Adam: What? Why? Didn't you create everything perfect?

God: Inside the garden, yes. Outside... not so much. And now that you've sinned, you have to go out there.

Adam: Wait a minute. You deliberately created a shitty world all around this garden so that just in case we screwed up you'd have a place to exile us to? Nice.

God: No, it didn't get screwed up until you ate the fruit.

Adam: Wha...? I took one little bite of a piece of fruit and a I screwed up the entire world? This doesn't make any sense. Things look fine to me.

God: Inside the garden, yes. But not out there.

Adam: But shouldn't the garden be the place that got screwed up? Does the screw-up radiation just skip right over the garden?

God: Er, no, the garden will start to go to pot pretty quick too.

Adam: So why can't we just stay here?

God: Well, there's also the matter of the Tree of Life.

Adam: Tree of Life? So there are two magic trees in the garden? I thought there was only the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Not So Good.

God: Evil. It's called evil. You can stop pretending that you don't know what it's called.

Adam: Evil, huh? It's got sort of a wicked sound to it.

God: Yeah, anyway, there's also the Tree of Life. It's the one on the other side of the tool shed.

Adam: Really? I thought that was an apricot tree.

God: No, it's the Tree of Life. And I can't have you eating from it, because then you'll live forever. Which sounds like a good thing, but now that you've been corrupted you're going to have to die.

Adam: But I've already eaten some of that fruit.

God: Yeah, but not after you ate the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Eating from the TOKOGE counteracts the effects of the Tree of Life. But if you eat from the Tree of Life after eating from the TOKOGE, you'll be evil and live forever.

Adam: What kind of twisted mind comes up with this stuff? Are there any other magic trees I should know about? Maybe one that'll make me shit diamonds?

God: Look, don't make this any more difficult than it has to be. Ok, here comes Eve. When she gets here, tell her you want to go for a walk and head down that path to the gate. The angel with the fiery sword will see you out.

Adam: "See us out"?

God: He's going to guard the gate to the garden so you don't get any ideas about coming back for your couch or anything.

Adam: Is there going to be a wall around the garden?

God: Of course.

Adam: Is anybody going to be going in or out after we leave?

God: No.

Adam: Then why do you need a gate?

God: Ok, enough questions. Mysterious ways and all that. Just leave quietly, ok? Don't make a scene.

Adam: This sucks.

God: Hey, I told you not to eat the fruit.

Adam: Here's an idea: Next time, build the wall around the Forbidden Tree. I mean, what the hell is up with the cobblestone path and park benches?

God: I thought it made a nice sitting area.

Adam: Well it would have if the Fruit of Evil wasn't hanging over our heads!

God: Ok, here's the deal. I'm going to tell you something that might freak you out a little, but hopefully things will start to make a little more sense to you.

Adam: Um, ok.

God: A lot of times when I say an "angel" is going to be doing this or that, it's not literally an angel. Sometimes the phrase "the angel of the Lord" just means me. But primitive minds have a hard time comprehending someone doing so many things in so many different places at once.

Adam: So... you're not really sending an angel to guard the garden?

God: It depends what you mean by "really." Maybe you should come up with another word for when we're going to use concrete terms to refer to abstractions like good and evil and sin and heaven and grace and perfection.

Adam: Hmmm. How about "metaphorical?"

God: Excellent!

Adam: So you'll be putting a metaphorical angel in front of the gate?

God: The metaphorical gate, yes.

Adam: Are the trees metaphorical?

God: It kind of sounds like it, doesn't it? If they weren't, this whole garden scene wouldn't make a lot of sense.

Adam: So maybe the entire garden is....

God: Yes, yes. Now you're starting to see why I thought this would freak you out. Just keep in mind that none of this is any less "real" just because it's metaphorical. You just have to remember not to push the metaphor too far, or the whole thing starts to sound absurd.

Adam: So Eve and I....

Eve: Hey guys, what's the deal with the angel at the gate?

God: He's here to escort you out of the garden.

Eve: He's what?!

God: Adam will explain everything.

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Sid Mark

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