Men Over Matter

”AHHHHHH!!!!” I yawn dramatically as I get out of bed at the sound of my annoying alarm on my phone. I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night due to the constant pounding of anxiety in my chest. It shakes me then wakes me up out of my sleep every night as my mind ruminates on a million and one things I don’t like. Even as I’m getting out of bed and putting on my clothes it feels like a weight is being tied to my arms and legs.

Putting on my shirt feels like I’m doing pull ups and putting on my pants feels like I’m doing a hundred squats. I also struggle to look forward to the day ahead of me because my mind is wired to take an inventory of everything that’s wrong with my life. As I open up my room door the sunlight peeking through my living room curtains hits my face like a ball of fire. Oh man does it hurt. A beautiful sunny day is a pleasantry meant to be treasured, but for me it feels like a brick heavy dose of reality that has hit me in the gut as a reminder of what my mental health won’t allow me to enjoy.

A crisp sunrise on average is a joy to me, but in this current mental state it has me feeling like a vampire blazing in the sunlight. I run over to the window and quickly shut the blinds and it’s a brief load off my mind. That is until my phone starts ringing. When I pull it out of my pajama pants pocket and answer it I’m greeted by the upbeat voice of my best friend, Manny. “WHAT UP THEO!!!” He calls out loudly into the phone, much to my mental aching. “Would you pipe down?” I ask irately. “Piping down is what I save for ya mama every night” he responds jokingly.

Even in my stupor of stress I find his comments funny. “Yo man you ready for that good ol’ appointment today?” He asked enthusiastically. “Not really, but what choice do I have?” I respond with exhaust. “That’s right, Theo. You ain’t got no choice. I’m pulling up in a few minutes”. So today my best friend Manny is taking me to my first therapy session. My mental health has gotten steadily worse over the past year and no one has known but Manny. I’ve been dealing with constant stress, anxiety and depression and it’s been tearing me apart on the regular.

As a man this has been hard for me to talk about. I come from a family background that is inhumanly stoicized. Feelings and mental health aren’t something we really discuss alot in my family household. My train of thought is suddenly broken by a loud repetitive knock on my door. As I rush to open it I find Manny standing there with an overly animated smile on his phone. “Sup broski?” “What’s up, Mando” I reply as we dap each other up. Come on big dog, you ready for this session?” “Not really” I exhale. “This isn’t really my thing. I’m not one to vent about my feelings. I’m more content with keeping everything bottled up and-”

Before I can finish Manny cuts me off. “Let me stop you right there, T-bone steak. Do you know why I picked today of all days for you to see this therapist?” “No” I reply with a puzzled expression. “Today is June 1st and that means we are officially in the beginning of Men’s Mental Health Awareness Month.” I look at him with slight surprise as we leave out the door and make our way to his car. “I honestly didn’t know that was a thing.” Manny gives me a slight smile as we get into his car. “Well it is and we as men have to work on our mental health. You know, Theo, we as men have been conditioned to believe that our mental health doesn’t matter or that were meant to suffer in silence, but that’s not how it’s supposed to be.”

As we drive off and head to my first therapy session I ponder on Manny's words. I know I’m not supposed to be a mental and emotional wreck, but I am and maybe this first crack at therapy can heal me, or at least put me on the path to healing. “So what do you think comes after therapy?” I ask Manny. “Well that depends. First we need to get you medicated for your depression and anxiety. So most likely Dr. Rodgers will prescribe you something to test the waters of what’s good for you.”

“And then?” I ask. “And then we’ll see where we go from there. I guess there’s no simple answer. There definitely wasn’t one for me.” “You struggled with your mental health?” I ask curiously. “Yeah. As a matter of fact I still do, but with medication, therapy and daily affirmations I’m starting to get better. You’re gonna make it, Theo. We just have to work on your mind one day at a time.”

I suddenly feel a hint of peace in all of this anxiety and depression I’ve been drowning in. I don’t know how to describe, but it’s like I have a sense of…hope…maybe faith. As a man I never thought I’d have the courage to confront these issues, but here I am. A man out of whack preparing to do the unwanted. So here it goes. A man getting ready to attempt to fix his mind. Men over matter…