Meeting Emily

My heart was racing as I pedaled my bicycle down the loose gravel path, kicking up rocks with every furious rotation of the wheels. I knew what I was doing was reckless, but maybe it was the secrecy that made it so exciting. No one could know where I was going, especially not my parents. They would never understand.

The leaves rustled in the gentle summer breeze, a symphony of susurration, like a group of children sharing secrets on the school yard. As I glanced up at the waving treetops, I thought back to the days of my childhood, sharing secrets with my best friend, Emily. In class, we would pass notes back and forth, gossiping about teachers and students and who we thought was cute on that particular day. Emily always had a boy on her mind, making eyes at him from across the crowded classroom or daydreaming about how many kids they would have together. When she would ask me who I liked, I always lies and told her there was no one that had caught my eye. It was safer than telling the truth.

I pulled suddenly off the path, tires sliding as I came to a stop beside a looming oak tree. Just ahead, mostly hidden within the dense thicket, I could just see the collapsing roof of the old red barn. Carefully, I laid my bike down in the overgrowth, making sure that no one could see it from the trail as they passed. When I was sure that it was safe from prying eyes, I turned and barreled into the woods, wild with anticipation.

Emily and I had stumbled upon the barn on one of our many adventures as children, exploring the woodlands just down the road from our tiny home town. It had clearly been abandoned long ago, nature decisively taking back what was rightfully hers. The windows were all shattered, possibly from settling of the long-forgotten structure, or maybe petty vandalism. The paint on the exterior was heavily weathered and part of the roof had fallen in, a miserable ghost of the structure it had once been.

But it was beautiful to me. It was the place where Emily and I had built imaginary worlds, created languages that only we could understand, and where I started to come to terms with the feelings I had for her. I knew I loved her from a tender young age, far too young to understand what love meant, but old enough to know that the love I felt for her was wrong in the eyes of my religious family.

Emily was everything I could never be. She was fearless, independent, and beautiful with red hair and delicately freckled cheeks. It took no effort for her to make friends with everyone she met, but for some reason, she still chose me. I was a quiet and anxious child, far too scared to ever start a conversation with anyone I didn’t know. When Emily walked up to me and told me that I was her friend now, I meekly complied. She was the missing parts of myself that I was searching for. Much like her shadow, I was dark in all the ways she was light.

She had guessed I was gay before I could bring myself to say it out loud. She said that she could see it in me because it was something that she saw in herself, too. In those moments of coming out to each other, we had been able to admit to each other what had been hiding in plain sight for so long. This love we felt for each other was not simply platonic, it was something more.

It was late at night when she texted me, telling me to meet her at the old barn at noon. I stared at the message on the screen, my nerves on fire as I thought about what this meant. There was no turning back now.

As I approached the dilapidated barn, I could feel my heart begin to pound again. Nervousness wrapped around my chest like a belt, cinching tighter and tighter with each labored breath. I feared that my ribs might crack from the pressure. Doubts began to creep into my mind like intrusive whispers in my ear. What if she wasn’t there? Maybe it was all a joke, just a clever plot to embarrass me. What if her admissions were all lies?

The barn door stood wide open, the gaping mouth of an immense monster waiting to consume me. I stared up at the splintered beams, unsure of whether I should risk the pain of rejection or turn and walk away. With trepidation, I steeled my nerves, walking toward the barn door and peering inside it’s depths.

Sunlight streamed in through the cracks in the walls, lighting up the dust as it swirled and danced through the stale air. Weeds, proud and defiant, grew up between the floorboards like a strange kind of shag carpet. The only sounds I could hear were the distant chirping of birds and the rustling leaves overhead.

That was when I saw her, standing in the corner of the room, hidden in the shadows. Meeting my eyes, she stepped out into the light, an angel emerging before a mere mortal. Her hair, curly and red as polished copper, fell over her shoulders in graceful ringlets. Eyes as green as rain-soaked moss stayed trained on mine, a bashful smile curling the corners of her petal pink lips.

I realized then that I had been holding my breath, watching her as she approached me with awe and fascination. Taking a deep breath, I let out a nervous giggle as she stopped before me. I looked down to see that she was wringing her hands, reassuring me that she was just as anxious as I was.

“Hi,” I said lamely, breaking the silence.

Emily laughed. “Hi.”

“I...I wasn’t sure if you would actually be here,” I admitted, running my fingers through my ebony hair.

Emily tilted her head in confusion.

“I told you I would meet you here,” she said with furrowed brows. “Did you think I would lie to you?”

“No,” I said quickly, my hands beginning to shake. “I just...I wasn’t sure if you would maybe...I don’t know, chicken out?”

Her face relaxed as she brushed a curl behind her ear. Relaxing, I pushed my hands inside my pockets, suddenly unsure what to do with myself. I wanted so desperately to touch her, to feel the tickle of her hair on my fingertips, the warmth of her hand in mine. But I did not know where to begin. The movies made it look so easy to just walk up to somebody and take them in your arms and kiss them, but it did not feel so easy standing there in front of her.

Everything I knew told me that my feelings were wrong. Girls shouldn’t want to kiss other girls, or so the pastor had preached to us on numerous Sunday mornings. Homosexuality is a sin and will be met with the fires of hell.

But if it is so wrong, why did it feel so good to be close to her, listening to her voice and smelling the scent of her? If it was a sin to feel this way about Emily, then maybe Heaven was not a place I wanted to be.

“I’m glad you came,” she said softly, reaching out and taking my hand in hers. A warm tingle spread from her hand all the way up my arm, covering my skin in goosebumps.

“You look beautiful, Emily,” I whispered.

She blushed. “You look beautiful too, Cara.”

The desire came over me so quickly, I didn’t have time to think about what I was doing. Before I could lose my nerve, I leaned forward, my lips awkwardly meeting hers. I had never kissed anyone before, not a girl or a boy. For a second, Emily stiffened and I nearly pulled away, thinking I had done something wrong. Instantly, I felt her body soften, her lips pressing back into mine with tenderness and surety.

As her lips left mine, I looked deep into her emerald eyes, momentarily lost in her warmth.

“I have been waiting for you to do that for so long,” she breathed before her mouth crashed into mine once more.

I wrapped my arms around her slender frame, euphoria coursing through my veins like a drug. Her delicate hands rested lightly on either side of my neck. I never wanted to leave that barn, I just wanted to spend the rest of my days there with Emily beside me.

Minutes passed, though it could have been hours and I would not have known. Eventually, Emily released me. This time, her gaze was serious, scrutinizing me as if she were seeing me for the first time.

“I think I love you, Cara,” she said, though it sounded more like a question, like she hadn’t ever contemplated loving another woman before.

My heart leapt into my throat, lodging solidly in my vocal cords. I opened my mouth to answer, but nothing came out. Placing a finger on my lips, Emily shook her head.

“You don’t have to say anything yet,” she said, wrapping her arms around my waist. “Let me show you what love feels like.”

The sun began to set outside the abandoned barn, casting both Emily and I into nearly complete darkness. As we made our way back into the woods and toward our bikes, I turned and took one last look at the tumbledown building, wondering if mine was the only secret hidden in it’s decaying walls. Shaking my head, I turned back, picking my bike up from the weeds and returning home, like nothing had happened.