May 16

Why is May 16 such an important date to remember? Because that is precisely the day that the world ends. Such is life. It will begin with omens and portents such as Shiva, Goddess of Death turning her starry gaze earthwards from the heavens and gnashing her teeth. This event will occur earlier on April 21 because I have calculated, quantumly, that Shivas Avatar is my ex wife who shares her birthday with Hitler on the 21st day of April making it a pretty shoddy day overall and perfect for some portenshish omens, not to mention making a decent pre omen in advance of the total annilation of man on May 16, of next year.

Damnit, wait a second here. I’ve got my calendars mixed up. It’s May 27 that the world ends. Year after next. Which is May 16 using today’s 365 day calendar. Not the gregorian 365 day calendar. Probably the Egyptian Zodiacal calendar is in play, and the Chinese calendar as well. Shiva will still show up next year , it’s a big role for her and the extra time will just give her more to add to her skull collection and she can act as a general nuisance until the main event. So fifty two weeks minus a fortnight plus an extra 25 days for Birthdays. It’s fitting, after all, that it should land on the anniversary of some seriously suicidal decision making that led to me be married to a Goddess Of Death. But no one writes a good end of the world prophecy without offending a god here or a goddess there.

They all want to participate, of course, but it is difficult to give them the spotlight that they crave so much. The gods that is. All of them. There’s thousands auditioning for the roles of head pantheon of the end times. I’m completely avoiding Her though, even rearranging the entrails so she is underneath them. You would avoid Her too if you know what’s good for you. Run into her on a bad day and one of those arms will tear your head off. And the abuse that comes out of her mouth. It’s enough to give up my stargazing ways and leave the end of the world to someone else. Not the gods, however, collectively they are about as useful as barnacles and just wander about smiting, feasting, fornicating and getting really into cosplay. Leaving the end times to those ninnies would be a disaster. Give them the credit, though, by all means, somebody has to clean up the mess afterwards. It might as well be them.

Not to mention in their hearing but most of these deities will perish in the conflagration; which will do worlds of good for cleaning up dogma but may result in a mass no show of Gods when the curtain goes up on The End Of The World and down on the divine lives of its gods. It may also create a paradise vacuum and many people will have to find new gods. Quickly mind, molten sulphur is erupting out of the Splitting crust. Sudden realization of mortality would do that to the best of the gods so let’s just keep it quiet about their imminent destruction fighting their primal enemies after millennia wrestling entropy in between breeding indiscriminately and demanding sacrifices day and night.

So between April 21 next year and May 27 (really May 16) the year after, the world will be struck by many maladies that will all presage the same general organization of every religious end of days sermon that has ever been written. They will pile one atop the other until cascading down in a plague of plagues, that will really annoy just about everyone, rendering much of the planet uninhabitable. The sun and moon will bounce wildly on the horizon as different sun and moon gods compete for the rights to swallow them whole and plunge the earth into the darkness of eternity. This will shake the aliens free from the, surprise, hollow moon and who will be really put out and will reign fire down just as soon as they want to. Not a moment before either.

But first Ragnarok. Why Ragnarok? Why not. Winter is coming and the Ice Giants are stirring. So are the Yeti for that matter. Half the size of a mountain they are, coming to hurl ice and cold to blanket the earth.

If any one survives they can enter The New Jerusalem as the “unsinkable”ship sinks towards ground from space, scorching it molten and completely flattening Old Jerusalem; but really just its suburbs. For those that don’t survive: if you have been raptured you are fine, at least I think so. Does it mention Paradise as the destination? Or Pit Of Doom. If you’re a heathen there’s paradise too. One for heroes to feast and one for the Beserkers who are really just big softies and prefer the Hall of the Goddess of Love. Then again the ratio of women to men in the heroes hall is 1-100 and 100-1 with the Goddess of Love, so maybe they are on to something. I know which one I would choose for sure. Towards certain destruction of course. If you’re a murder cult bent on bringing about the end of the world, however, you are completely out of luck. She doesn’t have a paradise and doesn’t give two cents to your devotion. I know this because I accidentally married her and the last thing she worries about is her worshippers. She doesn’t need them. In fact, their devotion to following the same ritual makes their contribution tiny and their prayers would give her headaches. What’s one sacrifice when the Four Horsemen ride the world at ease.

Well, the five horsemen...or more specifically the four horsemen plus Prescription, who is an apprentice horseman. Well, there’s Death too. He is, and isn’t, one of the horsemen. He’s an anthropomorphic personification representing the end of life so he’s closer to a god, but not quite a god as he represents Death, not so much a force of nature but a witness to the final act. While we are on it I should mention that War is a woman. So two horsemen, one horsewoman, an apprentice, and Death are riding the world at will...but saving fuel receipts, flying standard and staying in budget business class hotels. They are much more in tune with today’s fiscally mismanaged economy and want to show they can be progressive too, despite having the worlds oldest expense account to draw from. (It’s been earning interest right through from the Bull to the Fish. And you should see their rewards points balance.)

I don’t mean to digress from my main fortelling and should really stick to the point but I’d just like to point out that War is my daughter by a crazed Danish water spirit and I won’t tolerate any disparaging comments on her performance. She’s just a teenager and new to the whole game of War so there’s bound to be some hiccups and she’s jealous of Prescription too. He works completely on his own but sticks his nose in everyone’s affairs. He gets all the praise with the work he’s put in at such a young age, and with such detrimental affect across the boards he has wiped out most of the gains made by penecillin and deserves accolades; but which really put Pestilence on the ropes for a while and almost cost him his job but The Almighty God relented and hired Prescription on as the fifth with due deference to his single mindedness in bringing about world destruction but still on probation. Famine won’t talk to her because she is young with no horrors to her name. He misses the Old War and conveniently forgets his extreme dementia that caused his retirement. Pestilence has stopped ignoring her, however, and is praising her recent good work but even he is missing the good old days. Well, those days should be returning soon. Everything is right with the stars and my scrying crystal is clear...clear with no incoming calls...alas my daughter is estranged from me. Me being the poor mortal father and she being a powerful demi god. I can understand if she’s too busy to talk but this is almost like she is embarrassed by me. Or she takes after her mother and is devoid of emotion and lives by devouring the souls of unwary men. Side note: I really have to either give up on women or maybe focus my attention on human women as opposed to forces of nature.

You laugh at my last line, thinking me to be exaggerating my bad luck but it’s right there alongside the goats stomach. I have been cursed with the most dangerously stupid decision making apparatus that there has ever been. Judge for yourself: I am father to War whom I begat with a Naga who had been on land too long and had reverted to ravenous beast. Not only did the relationship not last but we had to share Wars upbringing which; was War coupled with crazed psychosis. I married Shiva Goddess of Death despite my own prophecy to the effect that the world would end if I did but I went ahead with it anyway. I raised her daughters also...being also the children of the goddess they were a handful. I raised all 3 and supported both the Naga and the Death Goddess and got absolutely nothing but pathological neurosis from the effort. I’ve been calculating the odds of my luck since and they are so astronomically high that it would seem impossible but it’s true. I make mistakes with women. Quantum mechanics say so. I obviously do not think when women are around, they turn my head to jelly. Sometimes that is a very pleasant experience.

I know I may have missed the proper date for the end of the world before, accidentally of course, but this time I’ve really got the quantum kicking and the chicken gizzards frankly glowed with divine power. 2006 was almost the date but that was merely a taste of fimbulwinter. In 2009 I was distracted and it’s none of your business why I was distracted. I’ll let you imagine for yourself. Just think something idiotic and based on a skewed risk matrix. 2012 was a bust, I got caught up in some new math which caused me to err on the asteroids distance which you can’t blame me for, I don’t know anything about math. 2015 was the end of the world, but again I got the numbers and letters backwards. It was only the end of my world due to the aforementioned wedding to Shiva Goddess of Death in her earthly Avatar.

Hey, I was moving up in the world. Before her had been a Dark Naga and before that, well, I’ll let you guess again. Just think really bad decision maker. 2018 was a given but that fizzled out along with all my electronics; that melted when I used them to search for signs that the earth would be saved in the nick of time. I did not find any. The resulting electronic explosions were quite spectacular but it was turning the battery packs into grey goo that really told me we were screwed. When the phones collapsed inwards and liquid blackness oozed out the sides I was convinced it was over, that some powerful entity was ending my online research permanently. I am still waiting on that day to manifest what it was telling me.

Then I got thrown off by 2020 because I expected 3 years to prepare and the world went mad in 2. April 2018 being the time that prophecy came upon me. It was the 16th, a month before May 16 and the finalization of my divorce day giving me deep insight which; showed me the proper equation. So I thought 2021, but then...it literally hit the fan with no foreknowledge. I was eager to get the prophecy rolling so was hesitantly pleased that it was going to be a virus. That miscalculation is not on me, it’s on the whole world. I should have known better right out of the gate that year. There was just too many misinterpreted omens. Floods were just floods, rivers naturally ran red without divine intervention and the whole thing short circuited and calm returned. Right? Calm returned? Everyone was happy and danced in the streets. And everything went back to the way it had been. Except for my phone, it was toast. I got a new one and a new number. It hasn’t rung yet so I don’t know if it works.

Well that was just the practice run. I’ve just sacrificed a goat for dinner and it’s intestines have assured me that the main event is coming and the earth will be destroyed by flood and fire and alien invasion, along with a bunch of giant humanoids yelling and beating on each other with large sticks.

There is no other path but the one that leads to the end of the road so I would suggest that humanity get its affairs in order, settle whatever debts that you don’t want in the afterlife or borrow as much as you can, bankers get no paradise, and pray as hard as you can to whatever god you want that they’ll pick you to play for their squad. My readings are accurate, my knowledge of quantum is profound, I’m really, really good at divining entrails and I’ve studied the end times a lot. Like weeks and weeks worth of study. I have honed my craft to a razors edge, have survived Shiva, Goddess of Death and have become infallible in my predictions. And they all say Birthday of Shiva, Goddess of Death and Super Bad Decision day will be the beginning of the end and the end of the end respectively. Just don’t ask me about anything else, especially about women. Unless it’s to run away from them. That’s a good decision. Definitely hide too, after running away, hide. She will be looking for me. I know it. All up in my face, tearing me limb from limb, feasting on my soul...

Tips are thankfully and heartily appreciated. Thank you very much and I hope you enjoyed the read.

PS: Everything in this story is completely and factually true, including having War for a daughter (I am so proud of her.)