Man Vs. the End of the World

Prologue

“Cut, cut, cut!” yelled the man in the dripping fatigues.

“What’s wrong now?” asked a heavy set man.

“I’m all wet!” replied the man harshly.

“Leon,” reasoned the heavy set man, “you just jumped into a river. Of course you are all wet.”

“Wardrobe!” screamed Leon. “Change of clothes. And it better match exactly this time. Do you know how many emails I got on the last show when you gave me the wrong shirt?”

“Leon,” wheedled the heavy man, “you just swam a river. If you are dry, it’ll look odd don’t you think? Your fans might notice that one minute you are wet and the next you are dry.”

“Well, one minute I was dry and then wet, what’s the difference? Now chop, chop, get me clean clothes. And where is that hair dryer I requested?”

The gathered people scattered to take care of their star’s needs. One gopher got him a lemon water, another held a blow dryer to Leon’s hair. One poor fellow waited next to Leon while the man stripped and tossed the wet clothes into his hands. One thing that Leon lacked was a sense of modesty. In just moments, he stood in the all together in front of the crew regardless of gender. He was a magnificent sight (at least in his own mind) with his six pack and buff chest. Every where his skin was smoothed and moisturized, except for his legs which bore numerous scars of which he was quite proud. They represented his battles with a bear, a shark, a land mine and a thorn bush.

“EEK!” screamed a pale blonde woman. She turned quickly away from him and dropped his new pants on the river bank. “Why didn’t someone warn me he’d be naked?” wailed the woman. “I didn’t bring him any underwear.”

Leon smirked, thinking his charms had wooed yet another woman to his bed at the end of the day’s shoot. The woman hurried back to the trailer for fresh underwear for the star of “Man versus I Shouldn’t Have Survived”, a hit television show about a man getting himself in the worst situations and, against all odds, surviving. Of course, the crew knew the truth of the situation. They were always there to get Leon Grates out anything he could manufacture.

The main cameraman cleared his throat and handed Leon his change of clothes. The man carrying the wet clothes carefully laid the wet clothes in the sun to dry.

“Thank you Neal.” Leon flashed his pearly white, orthodontically perfect teeth.

The cameraman nodded but didn’t return the man’s smile. He ducked his head and filmed the clothes drying on the beach. Neal had worked with Leon for many years and had been covering up his arrogance the entire time. Neal knew Leon even better that the director, who was the fifth since the current series had started a mere two years ago. In fact, if Neal hadn’t been married to Leon’s sister, he’d have quit the show himself, but for some strange reason, Marissa loved her brother even though Leon regularly forgot her birthday and even her name sometimes.

“What an ass,” whispered the clothes holder to Neal.

Neal didn’t answer but the glint in his eye said it all. “You don’t want to go around saying things like that. He’s got ears like bat.”

“Peon! What did you call me?” demanded the star, stalking across the 50 yards between them. He was still shirtless.

“He said you have a nice ass,” prompted Neal, nudging the man. He leaned away from the little man towards his brother-in-law. “I think he’s gay. And you know what happened the last time.”

Leon turned smartly on his heel and stalked away to speak with his director. The man looked at Neal in relief and trepidation.

“What do you mean, what happened last time?”

“Oh, he tried to get a gay guy fired from the set for looking at him and he got hit up with a sexual harassment suit from the guy’s best friend, the makeup girl. Leon was still hoping to bag her so he didn’t want to make a scene. They settle out of court and he got to sleep with the makeup girl.” Neal smiled slyly.

“Uhm, how does that affect me?”

“You need to buddy up with the wardrobe girl. He’ll never touch you then,” laughed Neal.

“Everyone back to work!” screamed the director.

“Sir! I’m losing the light,” called Neal, knowing that Leon was pretty much done in for the day. Leon was quite particular that the light would show off his carefully tanned skin and colored hair to its best.

“Fine,” grumped the director. “And I thought this was survival show. Well, set up his tent and let’s get out of here.”

“He’s not going to last long, if he doesn’t learn Leon’s quirks,” muttered Neal.

“Leon we’re going. Neal will stay with you and film anything you need in the night.” The director looked directly at Neal as if to say “control him”.

“Aw, it’s kind of cold here tonight. I think I’d prefer to stay at the hotel tonight.” Leon flashed his pearly whites again.

“But it’s a survival show! How are we supposed to film the nighttime shots?” demanded the director.

“On a sound stage back home in Hollywood. Like we always do,” replied the star.

“Fine. Whatever. But we have to get back to filming tomorrow bright and early.”

“Tomorrow I was going to scout out the cave location for the next shot,” replied Leon.

“Call me when you want a director,” called the director as he stormed off into his trailer.

Leon grinned at Neal, “I knew he’d see it my way. Want to come with me tomorrow?”

“Yeah, Marissa and the girls would be sad if I missed out taking pictures of your descent into the cavern.” Neal was generally Leon’s constant companion and the next day was no exception. Leon liked to explore new sites for the show with relatively few people around him as he spent the time scripting his moves to fit the show’s premise. He still wanted everyone to think he was a brilliant improvisational actor. Only Neal knew his secrets.