Macbeth Demands a Recount

Macbeth, recently defeated and beheaded at the hands of Macduff, duly arrived on the bank of the River Styx to be rowed across to Hades by Charon the ferryman. However, he proved to be a reluctant passenger, not least because he saw no reason to give the infernal boatman his usual fee.

“No cash, no deal”, Charon said.

“Don’t you talk to me about deals”, Macbeth replied. “I know more about deals that you’ll ever know. I wrote the book about deals – or at least my ghostwriter did.”

“But if you don’t pay me you don’t get across”, said Charon. “You have to wander about for a hundred years before you get a free ride.”

“Don’t you talk to me about free rides …”

“And besides that”, Charon interrupted, “Your nearest and dearest should have left a coin on your tongue as my payment, so where is it?”

“I ran out of any nearest and dearest early in Act Five”, said Macbeth. “Besides which, somebody cut my head off, so any coin would probably have fallen out of the hole where my neck used to be.”

“Yes, I see that,” said Charon. “Incidentally, somebody did a terrible job trying to stitch it back on so you could get down here. Don’t nod too vigorously or it’ll be off again”.

“Of course, I shouldn’t be here at all”, said Macbeth. “When I get to see your boss I’m going to demand a recount.”

“A recount?”

“Sure thing. When everything is looked at properly, everyone will see that I won that battle by a landslide.”

“I don’t think so”, said Charon. “According to what I’ve been told, Macduff and Malcolm won it by a woodslide.”

“You mean that terrible ‘Birnam Wood shall come to Dunsinane’ trick? You just wait till I take that little number to your Supreme Court. My mate Bill Shakespeare has been packing the bench for years with loads of guys who’ll back me up – Othello, Lear, Julius Caesar, even Falstaff if they’ve managed to keep him off the booze.

“I’m telling you”, he continued. “It’s all a witch hunt. And talking of witches, I’ll bet they were all in it too.”

“In what?”

“The conspiracy. They all wanted me dead right from the start. I could tell just from what they were putting in that foul cauldron of theirs.”

“Such as?”

“Wool of bat for starters. They clearly wanted me to catch Covid-19. And ‘eye of newt’? I’m positive they slipped in a fake newt. Those crones made a whole heap of forecasts that they knew could not possibly happen, unless they fixed it, so what did they do?”

“Tell me.”

“Isn’t it obvious? They fixed it! All that ‘man who is not born of woman’ nonsense, and they reckoned that because Macduff’s mum had a Caesarian that meant that he wasn’t properly born. What codswallop. And these people get paid huge sums of money …”

“Do they?” Charon asked.

“Of course they do. All these mystical types get paid a fortune so they can swan around on jet-powered broomsticks and live the life of Riley. They take all-expenses-paid luxury holidays in England, you know.”

“Can’t say I did, to be honest.”

“That’s why I had that wall built, you know.”

“Wall?” Charon looked bemused.

“Between Scotland and England. To stop hordes of foreigners pouring in and witches pouring out – but I’d forgotten that it doesn’t work if you’re on a broomstick.”

“Correct me if I’m wrong”, said Charon, “but I thought it was Emperor Hadrian who built that wall?”

“More lies”, said Macbeth. “Nobody gives me the credit for everything I’ve done for this country. Nobody!”

“But you’re dead now”, said Charon, “so it doesn’t matter.”

“That reminds me”, said Macbeth, “Another thing about that conspiracy. There were dead people who were allowed to get in on the act. If you’re dead, you can’t be allowed to affect the outcome of any future power struggle, and yet there was Banquo, who I am absolutely positive was dead – due to the fact that I had him killed – turning up at one of my parties. There he was, bold as brass! I tell you, it’s just not right, and I demand a recount!”

“Just get in the boat”, said Charon. “I’m breaking the habit of a lifetime and giving you a free ride. If I charged you, I bet you’d only claim it as tax-deductible.”