Lucky Year Indeed

The massive barn had narrow openings in every wall, where the boards had splintered and warped after decades of weather on the Great Plains. In the late afternoon sun, I could see the light shining like wide yellow laser beams through the slats, spreading over the rusty tools that were covered in dried clumps of gray dirt, and the limp hay lying in dense mounds beneath the hay loft. Doves fluttered on the highest wooden joists, swirling the air and sending dust through the light beams in slow downward spirals. Swallows flew in and out of the gaps in the seams of the barn. Occasionally they would dart in and swoop a fast circle in the center of the barn before flying out again like a missile, back into the bright sky.

Eric had never been to the farm. They had been married for five years, and he had found excuses every time to avoid the place. It was always about the drive. He didn’t want to make the drive. Five hours is nothing, I would say, but it never mattered. And now he would never see it. I was glad. I loved this place. It was probably the only place left that didn’t remind me of him. And yet I was standing here, and he was all I was thinking about.

I looked up and saw the sun illuminate the low line of clouds on the horizon in a deep pink. The smaller, brighter clouds above turned vibrant orange. A stubbled field met the sinking sun and sloped off to the south, cut off by a ravine and a line of Cottonwoods. I could hear a dog barking from some neighboring farm, miles away. I took a deep breath. Everything was so peaceful here. The adrenaline in my veins surged and I stamped the ground hard like it was covered in roaches.

“Aaaaarrrrrrrrggggghhhhhhh!” I shouted, in a guttural, thunderous voice that even surprised me. The beautiful sunset, the rustling Cottonwoods, and the bucolic barking dog in the distance were all completely indifferent.

I returned from the barn to find Melanie smoking a cigarette on the kitchen patio of the farmhouse. The cement patio square had long since separated from the house, the stairs being more than a foot from the door at this point.

“I don’t know what it is about this place that makes me want to smoke. This is my third one since we’ve been here.”

“We’ve been here, like, half an hour,” I replied.

“Right? And I’ve been thinking about going to town and getting some beer. Doesn’t cold beer sound good right now?”

“Mel, do you really think I would have left my husband and driven to the middle of nowhere without some kind of sedative? I brought a bottle of some nasty rum that Eric’s parents brought back from a cruise they went on. Remind me to toast them later.”

“To Eric’s snobby, stupid parents!” said Melanie, holding an invisible champagne flute.

“To his stupid slutty side piece!” I said, clinking my invisible glass with hers.

“To chlamydia!”

“Melanie!”

“What? Too far? The nasty slut gets a toast, but her disease doesn’t?”

“Hey, it’s my disease too.”

“Not if Mr. Amoxicillin doesn’t steal her away from you,” said Melanie, rising to put her arm around me. “It’ll be okay. You know that, right?”

“No. I mean, maybe eventually. Not now. Not yet,” I said, taking Melanie’s cigarette and inhaling. “I just feel really, really stupid. All this time, and I never even suspected him. And I’m a worrier. I’m like anxiety girl on high alert always. How did this not cross my mind as being possible?”

“You know, I’ve often wondered that. You really trusted him. But hey, let’s not waste all our whining on sobriety,” said Melanie, giving up on her stolen cigarette and lighting another.

As they waited for the oven to pre-heat, I wiped down the table and countertops and swept the floor. I remembered one warm fall like this one when Boxelder bugs had swarmed the kitchen. I was horrified by the black and red infestation, but mom had laughed. She told me that they were good luck. With so many, I thought we must really have been blessed that year. When we got a go-cart for Christmas that year, I remember thinking we were indeed very lucky.

“So are you gonna call Eric and tell him where you are?” Melanie asked, as she pulled the cellophane off the frozen pizza.

I pictured him coming home late, grabbing a beer from the fridge and staring at his phone, with ESPN on in the background until he went to bed. Only then would he realize that I wasn’t there. But would he care?

I held my breath and pressed the call button.

“Eric? It’s me. I’m not coming home tonight. I’m with Melanie.”

“Where are you?” he asked.

“I’m with Mel. If you’re hungry there’s leftover lasagna in the fridge.” I silently cursed myself for saying something wife-like.

“Jen, where the hell are you? Did you drive to Omaha?”

“I’ll tell you about it later. I don’t know if I’ll be home tomorrow either. I’ll let you know when I know, okay?”

“What’s going on? Are you mad at me or something?” he said, shouting over loud noises in the background. He sounded like he was at a bar.

“I gotta go,” I said, setting the phone face down on the formica table, as if the screen would let him in.

“He’s mad?” asked Melanie.

“Yeah, I guess,” I said, feeling like this was a scene in someone else’s life.

“You should be mad. Your own husband gave you chlamydia, for crying out loud. I’d cut Dave’s balls off, I swear to God.”

Melanie pulled the pizza out of the oven and searched the drawers for a pizza-cutter. She pulled out a butcher’s knife instead and cut the pizza into quarters. I tore the cardboard box in half to use as plates and brought the pizza to the table. I felt like I was a thousand miles from my life. I felt like I was floating outside a spaceship, attached to a tether. I looked at Melanie, eating and ranting. It was like I had pushed a mute button on her. I could see my sister’s face contort in angry words, but all was silent in my mind.

The moment passed and words began to filter back into my consciousness.

“What I can’t believe is that Dave knew and never told me,” Melanie was saying. “He said if I knew, then you’d know, so he couldn’t tell me. I mean, that’s not my fault.”

“All right. I’m not mad at you. I’m mad at Dave. Why would he take Eric’s side in this? Is this some kind of bro code thing? They’re trading locker room stories behind our backs at family get-togethers? He doesn’t even like Eric, does he?”

“No, not really. He always thought he was arrogant. I don’t get it either. He said it was because he didn’t think it was his place to get involved.”

“Eric got him involved by bragging about all his girlfriends! There, you’re involved! Now what are you going to do about it?” I screamed.

“I know. I know. At least he finally came out with it. I think you catching something from Eric was the excuse he’d been waiting for to get it off his chest.”

“And to think, the only reason I knew in the first place was that I was going to see the gynecologist because I haven’t been able to get pregnant. It’s not like I enjoyed finding out I have an STD, but thank God I’m not pregnant. The thought of carrying his baby now makes me want to vomit.”

“I hear that carrying babies can make women vomit. Often in the morning.”

“What is that, a joke? That’s not even funny.”

“Napkin?” asked Melanie, handing me a paper towel.

I wandered the empty house after dinner. I entered the only bathroom, a converted study, and sat on the edge of the claw foot tub. I thought of how embarrassed I used to be when I brought my friends from town to stay the night and had to explain to them about how you had to pull the chain from the ceiling to flush the toilet. The house wasn’t equipped for bathrooms when it was built. They still used outhouses back then. There was a long row of lilac bushes behind the house where the outhouses had been. Once one hole was full they would plant a lilac bush and dig a new hole next to it for the new outhouse. Considering the farm was one of the last houses in the area to get indoor plumbing, the number of lilac bushes was impressive. I felt a twinge of regret at having been embarrassed back then. Now this farm filled me with pride.

I went back downstairs to find Melanie curled up on a recliner. She was making a list.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“I’m figuring out what I want to do with this floor plan. I’ve always hated the way you have to walk all the way around this main floor to get to the living room. I thought about knocking out part of the wall in there to open into the foyer. What do you think?”

“I think Mom would have a heart attack if she heard you talking like that.”

“Yeah, maybe. But she doesn’t have a whole lot to say about it anymore.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“She decided she doesn’t want to keep moving back and forth every year. They’re staying in Texas. I’m buying the farm.”

“Mel! You’re going to buy this place? That’s awesome! What does Dave think?”

“He’s excited,” she said. “Mainly he thinks it’s a good place to raise kids.”

My eyes welled up and I hugged my sister tight.

“It’s about time,” I said. “I was wondering when you two were going to start trying. They’ll love it here.”

“I did anyway,” said Melanie.

“I did too,” I said.

I looked around and saw tiny versions of myself and Mel running up and down the stairs or playing board games in front of the fireplace.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked.

“Jen, I’m not completely heartless. I thought you could use a little time to vent first. Ready for a rum and coke?” she asked. “I gotta get my drink on before a baby comes along and ruins my good time.” From the kitchen she yelled back, “You know, I’m really going to need some help with the baby. I have no idea what I’m doing.”

After several potent drinks and much conversation, Melanie passed out on the sofa. I staggered up the stairs and ran the bath water. I dumped an entire bottle of who-knows-how-old Avon bubble bath into the hot water. I climbed in and laid my head back and stared at the curlicues on the ceiling, my long hair hanging over the side of the enormous tub. I remembered every inch of the room from this spot. I felt like I was 16 again. For the first time in years I felt like the future was a complete mystery. I didn’t have a plan. And it wasn’t giving me the familiar panic of not being in control of my life… it felt like… possibilities. I realized I was smiling. I couldn’t stop smiling. When was the last time that happened? I looked around and felt like I had made it home after being lost for so long. After being so lost that I didn’t even know I was lost. I noticed a flutter by the vanity light and saw a Boxelder bug land on the mirror.