Love Lost

Grief can seem like a thick dark cloud that feels near impossible to get away from. The pain that is caused from grief can be like a huge, dark ocean wave that keeps crashing over you, throwing you back into its depths again and again.

Anything can cause a relapse from a scent to a view. A simple memory in the back of your head can be a trigger, speaking of which…

My room still smells like you, the very air itself reminds me of you. The pillows especially, they smell like a whole bottle of your aftershave was poured onto them. I haven’t washed the pillowcases since you last rested your head on them, the thought of losing that smell makes me sick to my stomach. I don’t know if hugging the pillow until I cry myself into a dreamless slumber is hurting or helping but my arms still reach for it, for you. My favourite smell of aftershave mixed with sweat, I hope it never fades. I’d never sleep again.

When I close my eyes I can still see your face as clearly as if you were standing in front of me. I like to think that you’re not gone but you live behind my eyelids now. It’s a hopeless thought but in my darkest days when I’m lying in a pitch black room with my eyes squeezed shut it brings me a small bit of peace.

I remember your smile, the one that always brightened my day. You were always mere seconds away from laughing at all times. With your laugh that was contagious, you had a whole room of your friends laughing within seconds.

Your eyes which contained every colour from green to blue to grey to brown and always made me fall for you a little bit more every time I looked into them. Still to this day I wonder if you loved me the way I loved you.

I still remember how it feels to touch your face when it was smooth from a clean shave and how quickly the stubble began to grow back. I was always so shocked by how young you looked when you got rid of your beard but you looked perfect to me regardless.

I regularly lose my focus when I think about you. I'm not sure how much longer I will remain debilitated from the loss of the love of my life but I can’t imagine my life without you in it.

My friends all think I need to start distracting myself but how when I still remember all the things we done together, as a team. I miss you, I miss the way we could make last minute plans. The last minute plans always seemed to be the best moments.

It’s hard, it’s so hard. Does it ever get better? Does it ever get easier?

I go into work to try and not think about how much pain I am in. It works, I can’t think, I can’t focus. The job seems pointless, everyone is annoying. They always ask how you are and how you are doing as if they can’t tell from the look on my face what the answers will be. They still expect you to answer and say you are fine, you’re not hurting, you’re coping fine. It’s always a shock to the system when I tell them my true feelings. How without you I feel lost and that I am wandering around alone and confused looking for a part of me that is missing and is never coming back.

People never want to hear how you actually are, they want you to lie and say you're coping alright so they can smile. They think asking you your feelings is enough help when it’s nothing close to what you need.

I need you and only you. Nothing else holds my attention the way that you did. The way that you still do. Work is a pointless effort when I don’t have you to come home to at the end of my shift. How could you leave me? What did I do wrong?

I miss you, come back.