Lost In Translation

(SCENE: Lights come up on a man and a woman sitting on two stools. The woman is holding a bible)

Oh, now, Mary, what have we here?

Well, Bob, we have a great deal fresh off the Gutenberg press!

Huh? Oh, because it’s a bible. Ha ha ha, oh, Mary, you are just so witty! But, Mary, I’ve got an old bible that’s been passed down in my family for generations; why do I need this one?

Because, Bob, you wouldn’t want to be out of touch. Or stoned. Or Cancelled. Because this isn’t just any bible. It’s the NTT Old Testament Gold Edition.

Oh, that sounds very special, Mary, and very pricey.

You’d think so, Bob, but you know we have the best deals for our customers. It’s just five hundred dollars, and that’s signed- yes, you heard that right- signed by the translator himself.

Oh, wow, Mary, that’s…that’s priceless.

You know it, Bob.

Well, Mary, what else should we know?

I think we’ve just got to delve straight in, let the people hear the word of God, translated as they’ve never been translated before by the best translator we’ve ever had. Now, some people may swear by the original Latin, or Greek, or Hebrew -

I don’t know anyone who would swear by the Hebrew

Me neither, Bob. Some may even still have nostalgia for the King James Version, but the NTT is not only the new gold standard, but it has actual gold. But, maybe most importantly, where else can you hear the bible in just plain old American? I mean, let’s look at a few passages.

From Genesis: And God made Adam, who had the highest T and the greatest ass. But God didn’t want Adam to do everything himself; he wasn’t made for cooking and cleaning. So God, because he’s so wise, made a woman. And she was a 10. A total smokeshow. And it was good. Her ass was even better than Adam’s, if you can believe it.

Regarding Abraham and Sara: Hagar was a God-approved sidepiece, but Abraham shouldn’t have gotten her pregnant, no matter what his wife wanted. You just can’t get a side piece pregnant; abortion is illegal, and the kid might grow up, make his way in the world, just to come back and take out your whole religion.  Just saying, if old Abe had a good sheepskin condom, no Islam.

From Exodus: And God got tired of the fake news of other gods, so he posted the truth on stone tablets. Laws like: there are no other Gods before me, honor your father, and don’t murder. He didn’t say don’t kill, because God knew you might need to serve your country and your president one day, and he didn’t want to put you in a bad spot. He’s good like that.

From the story of Noah: And God, once again tired of the fake news, took everyone out but the most loyal of men, Noah, and his family, cause family is everything (Translator’s note: I love those Fast and the Furious movies, don’t you? So much action. Should we say God loves them, too? What do you think, Natalie? Let’s watch ‘em again tonight). Oh, and he saved a bunch of animals. It was good for the brand, ‘cause kids love animals. Looks great on a mural.

What about Leviticus, Mary, that always had some of my favorite parts?

Oh, he touches on Leviticus, making sure to let us know that being gay is wrong, but not necessarily sodomy if it’s your birthday; that pork is just fine. God just knew they couldn’t make bacon yet, so he said it was bad until they’d evolved from Jews to Christians, like Pokémon. Also, maybe the real problem with American Slavery was that we hadn’t followed God’s rules on how to do it. He’s just saying.

Well, Mary, I am sold. I want to give you my money right now.

Well, Bob, the only way to get this priceless, five-hundred-dollar NTT Old Testament Gold Edition is with a TrumpCoin digital wallet.

Oh, I’ve got mine right here, Mary; never leave home without it. As mandated.

Well then, Bob, just swipe right on this bible and take it home and keep it right next to your bed.    Who knows the kind of pleasure you could get from it.

Oh, Mary, I’m sure hearing the words of God as translated by Donald J. Trump will give me the most pleasure in bed I could ever have. Consensual, of course.

Oh, Bob, when it comes to the word of God, especially as written by such a dear leader as Donald J. Trump, does consent really have anything to do with it?

No, Mary, none at all.

(They laugh and laugh and laugh as the lights go out. END SCENE. Credits Roll)

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Trump Shopping Network Disclaimer:

-Mailed for free anywhere in the USNA (United States of North America) from the America Pole to the American Canal!

-Any returned payments will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, including life without parole or denaturalization of citizenship if you cannot prove your family arrived on the Mayflower or had the surname Drumpf.

-New Testament/Gospels of Jesus not included due to the promotion of socialism