Lord Destroyer

I’m on the precipice of world domination. All of my diabolical scheming has finally reached it’s head. The time has finally come to turn my schemes into actions and reap what I have sowed. All that stands in the way between me and the new world order is him. After today, even he won’t be able to stop me. I’ve thought of every possible contingency. It’s time for the final showdown. It’s all or nothing.

“Missile thrusters in place?” I ask Minion 10. I never bothered with their names. They’re all disposable to me. Easily replaceable if they misstep.

“All loaded and ready to go, Exalted One,” Minion 10 says as they type on the Lair’s control panel. Minion 10 temporarily stops what they’re doing to bow to me. As they should.

“Is the WorldEndRay3000 fully charged?” I ask another Minion. Minion 7 bows and trembles in my presence. It’s not often they get the pleasure of being spoken to directly.

“I-It’s…. Almost charged, Exalted One!” Minion 7 speaks so low I could barely hear them. I’m not surprised. After hearing this, it takes everything in me not to blast Minion 7 into oblivion.

“What do you mean ‘almost charged,’ Minion 7?” Because of my exuberant self control, superior to most, I'm able to keep my voice calm.

“W-Well, Exalted One, Th-The uhh… the WorldEndRay isn’t all the way charged yet. I-It’s only partially charged. S-So it’s ‘almost charged’, yeah?” This Minion is testing my resolve. My plans are too perfect to be foiled by a worthless, useless, minion.

“I know what ‘almost charged’ means, you dimwit! Why isn’t the most important part of my plan charged? I ordered you to charge it to full power!”

“I-I forgot, Exalted On- Aaagh!” Faster than a blink, my acid gun is pointed at the Minion. I do have superhuman reflexes, after all. The Minions know what I’ll do to them if they misstep. It’s a regular enough occurrence that none of the other Minions bat an eye to this altercation.

“What do I do to Minions that don’t follow orders, Minion 7,” I ask the minion. Minion 7 grovels on the ground by my feet, silently begging for mercy.

“Y-You annihilate them, Exalted One. B-But I have the WorldEndRay3000 charging now! I’ve done what you said! Please let me live!” I’m a merciful lord. If there’s no harm done, perhaps I'll let this Minion live after all.

“How far has the End Ray charged, Minion?” In response to my question, I get silence.

“I asked how far charged, Minion!” It takes me putting my finger on the trigger and the barrel of the gun against the Minion’s head for the Minion to answer.

“15 percent, Exalted One!” The Minion starts to cry. How pathetic.

“15 percent isn’t ‘almost charged,’ Minion 7!” That’s the last straw. I pull the trigger, releasing the deadly liquid from my gun. Minion 7 starts to melt before my eyes, filling the air with the smell of acid burning flesh. Minion 7 screams and cries in pain until their last breath. It’s music to my ears. Minion 7 is no more. All that’s left of him is a mess on my lair floor.

“Someone clean up this filth!” Turning my nose up in disgust, I walk up to Minion 10. At least this minion knows how to follow orders.

“Is the hostage secured?”

The minion nods, “Yes sir! The extraction worked perfectly. We have the hostage caged on floor B.”

“Excellent! He should be showing up anytime now. We’ll need more time for the WorldEndRay to charge. Load extra missiles, we need to keep him occupied.”

“I’m afraid we have no time, Exalted One! We have visuals of him approaching fast”

“Oh Shiitake! We’ll have to stick with the original plan. Maybe I can hold him up for a little while with some evil monologuing.”

“Mono...what?”

“Talking a lot! Just start launching missiles!,” I sigh, shaking my head at the pure stupidity of my Minions. I’d be much better off doing all of this by myself.

“Sir, Yes Sir!” Minion 10 starts furiously typing in the command panel while I look at the approaching hero through the screen.

“He’s dodging all the missiles as expected. Estimated Time of arrival?”

“30 seconds, Exalted One”

“Everyone into position! It’s showtime!” I yell as I run to sit in my villain chair. The minions bring the hostage and sit her in my lap just as he slams open my lair’s door. There he stands, glaring at me with a look that could kill. Even dodging those missiles he never broke a sweat. He is a worthy opposition for a god like me. I’ve enjoyed our battles, but finally it’s time to win the war once and for all.

“Lord Destroyer! Your missiles were no match for me! Release Nala at once!” The puny hero believes those missiles were all I had planned. Ha! Oh how wrong he is. He’s not leaving my lair alive.

“Foolish Hero. You really thought this would be that easy? Just dodge a few missiles and I'd willingly hand over my hostage?” I can’t help but laugh at the idiotic Hero. “The time has come to end you, My Nemesis. I hope you’ve said all your final goodbyes.”

“You’ve never been able to defeat me before, Lord Destroyer. If I recall correctly, every single time we battle I beat your ass”

“Not this time, Hero! I’ve got your dog! I’ve got the upper hand! If you want your Nala to live, you’ll do exactly what I say.”

The hero looks unfazed. Scoffing, he says, “It’s a dog. If you wanted me to be that desperate, you should’ve taken my wife!”

“You’re married?” This is news to me, "We've fought for years and now you decide to tell me you’re married?”

“I told you I had a dog and look how that turned out”

This is unbelievable! All this time I could’ve used this knowledge to my advantage! My plans for him are ruined! All this time I've been fighting a married man! I’ve never felt more betrayed in my entire life!

“How long have you been married?”

“We’ve been together for a couple years now”

“You didn’t even invite me to the wedding...?”

“You try to kill me on a regular basis...” He says like it’s obvious.

“That’s just business! It’s nothing personal!”

He chuckles and gestures towards the chihuahua, “You stole my dog. That seems pretty personal to me.”

“How can you be so dense! We-”

Minion 10 interrupts me, “The WorldEndRay3000 is 30 percent charged, Exalted One.” The Hero sets his glare back on me.

“WorldEndRay3000? I should’ve known you were up to something sinister. What are your plans, Lord Destroyer?”

“Apparently we don’t tell each other things. I guess you’ll just have to find out, Hero”

“If you won’t tell me, I'll just have to beat it out of you”

“You’ll have to get past my legion of minions first! Minions! Attack!” At my command, my minions surround the Hero and the fight begins. My Minions, of course, have no chance of beating the Hero. With the Hero distracted, I have all the time I need to start the WorldEndRay3000, my newest invention. Just as the Hero defeats all of my minions, I turn on the WorldEndRay.

“Nooo!” The Hero shouts, running to take the WorldEndRay from me. It’s too late for that now. The white ray light is already shooting up into the sky. All that’s left to do is dispose of the Hero with my Acid Gu-

“Ow!” I scream, dropping the phone to hold my nose, “you hit me for real!”

My older brother Hiro’s eyes widen, “Shhhh! Don’t cry! You can hit me back!”

“I don’t want to play anymore!” I run out of the old, run-down barn with Hiro and the others running out behind me.

“Don’t tell! If you tell Mom we were playing in here, I’ll get in trouble!” He begs me not to tell all the way back to the house. Even though the pain is gone by the time we reach home, I tell her everything about her now cracked phone, the water gun filled with vinegar, the punch, and the old barn lair.

I win this time, Hero. It isn’t my ass that’s going to get beat today.