London aquarium.

“Of course, why would you burn any bridges?” he asked, sipping his coffee, comfortably seated in a leather chair at a trendy Mayfair restaurant.

“Keep your friends close, your enemies closer kinda thing?” Sophie responded, looking somewhat bored.

“Erm, not quite. Imagine a big aquarium, where big fish coexists with little ones. While everyone gets fed on time, no one has to suffer. But the little fish is always aware that any minute she can become prey, and it’s best to at least have the ‘communication channels’ open , in case one suddenly needs them in order to negotiate one’s fate. They are not enemies per se, nor are they friends, but it’s wise to keep the social connection smooth. After all, human societies got to where they are due to collaboration.”

She didn’t quite like that metaphor. In fact, she found it arrogant and obnoxious. This was a wealthy man in his forties talking to a younger woman, essentially trying to cover his friend’s back by intimidating her with a big fish talk. How pathetic. But let’s pretend we don’t understand what he is effectively saying. Let him feel powerful and smart at our expense, maybe that’s the only chance he gets today to feel like his existence even matters.

“Well. I’m not quite sure how to approach this, but if I were transparent - a long term friendship would suffer. If I stay silent, however - people will continue to be harmed, albeit unaware of it. Ignorance is bliss you reckon? “ - she asked, immediately gasping that this was a second cliche that came out of her mouth in this conversation and the realisation made her feel nauseous. This playing dumb thing has gone too far.

He chuckled. “Aren’t we all ignorant of something? And what is wrong with wanting bliss, some pleasure in life? Isn’t this what you yourself want?” His gaze lowered, trying to track her silhouette under the linen dress, chosen specifically for the occasion due to its ability to conceal as much as possible. She had her reasons to keep this person in her social circle, yet his and his kind’s objectifying attitudes towards women didn’t sit right with her, even if she pretended otherwise. She had long felt like a researcher who was looking at the evolutionary chain that had gone extinct due to their less than favourable treatment of one another. How has humanity managed to continue for so long with these misogynistic attitudes, she thought.

“Anyway, it was lovely to see you and thanks for the advice. I better dash now, Simon is waiting.” Sophie got up and left the empty room of the restaurant, to the delight of the waiter who was getting increasingly bored with nothing to do.

Simon was her acting coach, who was probably the most patient person in the industry, as she was frequently late and he never charged her more as a result of that. The truth was, she inspired him enormously. A troubled girl, full of contradictions, with an enigmatic presence that filled the room whenever they worked together. He saw so much more in her than others, and because of that she was able to lower her guard around him and open up in ways that were impossible in the London scene she participated in.

“Sophie! You’re finally here - only twenty minutes late!” he teased as she appeared in the doorway of a dusty Soho studio.

One look at her face and it was clear she was experiencing yet another inner conflict. The girl had PhD in those. Her moral compass was set too high for the environments and personalities she frequently encountered; yet her fun-loving and ambitious side was drawn to them like a moth to a flame.

Sophie was happy to see Simon, his presence had a grounding effect on her, especially after encounters like today’s. These two men were as different as day and night, both in their characters and the effects they had on her - one pulling her into a very questionable orbit, the other helping her find the ground beneath her feet.

For better or worse, she found it a lot easier to be friends with men than women. They seemed to be a lot more predictable and straightforward, unlike the females from her past, who could one day be her best friends and the next gossip behind her back. It was an old script: at first, they were warm and welcoming, but inevitably grew jealous of the amount of attention she received from men. Attention she ironically didn’t even want for the most part. It was an issue for as long as she could remember, growing up in a small town in the countryside, where everyone knew everyone else and gossip was like the glue that held it all together. London proved to be a place where she finally felt free of all that, where she could embrace herself fully and be whoever she wanted to be.

Despite her good looks, charm and intellect Sophie didn’t quite feel comfortable in her own skin and wanted to be someone else for as long as she could remember. Acting offered that opportunity tenfold. She loved being able to switch from one character to another, and forget all about her personal issues while being someone else. But that day it proved difficult to do. As Simon and she attempted to read a script, her attention kept getting sidetracked. “Oh, hello dissociation, my old friend” - she sighed, acknowledging that acting usually worked like a charm to bring her back into her body and into the present moment , but today it was failing miserably.

To be continued…