Little Shadow

Saying goodbye is never easy. Never having the chance to say goodbye is worse. Those thoughts echoed in her head, fifteen hundred miles of traveling alone beckons the mind to inner reflection of oneself.

Dust filled the car as Miriam drove down the gravel road, her grandparents farm was only another two minutes away. By the time she pulled into the yard, her brand new 58 Chevy Bel-air was no longer clean and shiny. Then again that was the least of her concerns. The yard was full of parked cars, lined up in a row next to the old, faded orange barn. She managed to squeeze in between two vehicles and park under the magnolia tree, the one she helped her grandmother plant.

People milled around the yard or lazed upon chairs, placed on the large veranda overlooking the farmland below. The Summer sun had just begun its slow descent, casting an orange glow across the fields of wheat. Two large tables were being filled with food, as a stream of women came out of the home, arms laden with bowls and trays.

Conversation stopped when they recognized her, she began the inevitable walk to the house, where her grandmother lay, waiting.

A voice boomed out across the yard. “Hey, Miriam, nice car. Looks like life is treating you good.”

Glancing up she saw her cousin Dallin jump off the veranda and race towards her. He was a well-built tall man, in his thirties, who seemed to have a permanent smile upon his face. There was no time to respond as she felt herself being picked up and spun around. She could not help but laugh, feeling guilty about that a moment later. You’re not supposed to laugh at funerals, are you?

In a short time, it seemed the entire house emptied and everyone in the yard was gathered around her, all talking at once and asking questions.

“When did you arrive?”

"Did you drive all by yourself?”

“Oh, Miriam we saw your last movie, John and I really enjoyed it.”

“Is Cary Grant as handsome in real life?”

Miriam gave a puzzled look, “I only had a small part in that movie with Cary.” Then she winked “Yes, he really is that handsome.”

One comment cut through the air, stealing her breath away. The conversations went silent.

“Miriam, I didn’t expect you would show.”

Walking directly to the lady who spoke. Miriam stared at her aunt Helen standing on the top step of the porch looking down on her.

“Of course, I was coming, why wouldn’t I?” replied Miriam.

Helen pursed her fat little lips and gave a forced smile. “No need to get defensive Miriam, we just assumed you were too busy in Hollywood to come visit us country folk.”

“Mama.” Dallin called out, “Come on, be nice.”

Brushing past her aunt she snapped, “She was my grandma.”

Miriam, stormed into the house, pausing just inside. She was immersed in darkness. It took a while for her eyes to adjust to the dim interior even with a few lights on there was as heavy gloom within. In the far back of the room she could make out the casket, surrounded by candles.

The sound of forced laughter made her realize the conversation outside had started up again, she should have privacy for a little while.

Miriam took a few more steps inside, drawn towards where her grandmother lay. Slowly she approached and lit a candle of her own and whispered a prayer. She was alone. Everyone was outside filling their faces with fried chicken, potato salad, and pies, masking their grief with food.

Placing her hands upon the edge of the coffin, Miriam peered in. The woman who lay there appeared older and smaller than she remembered. And had way too much make-up applied. Her grandmother didn’t have time for makeup, she was a country woman, she worked the farm. But it was indeed her Nan, her rock.

Miriam’s mother had died when she was only six. Her father worked all the time and didn’t know how to raise a child on his own. So, he sent her to a private boarding school, Miriam hated those years. One summer he shipped her off to the farm to live. She believed he did it because her mom was Nan’s daughter, therefore he sent her there so they could be together. It was just the two of them, grandpa having passed away the year before. She raised her, taught her about life and work, and family. Miriam adored her grandmother, she followed her everywhere, shadowing her every move. That’s why her Nan called her ‘My little shadow.’

Until one day it all stopped, the year they moved across the country. The year her life changed. Then she only saw her Nan perhaps every second year. But Miriam wrote her often, for the past twenty years. Even when she moved around and became a successful actress. She would mail her pictures of the locations the movies were shot. Telling her stories of the actors and crews. Always promising to return and spend the summer with her. That never happened, the trips back had always been short. It had been four years since her feet had walked upon the soil of her childhood haven.

Her mind wandered back to the time it all changed. She was thirteen. Harvest had just completed. For no reason that she could think of her grandmother gave her a gift. Pulling her aside they walked outside to the fields, that were freshly plowed. A few fallen wheat stalks lay scattered about. Her Nan held out a red velvet cloth, with a golden ribbon tied around it. Smiling she held out the gift for Miriam to take.

Inside was a golden bracelet, shiny, glimmering in the sunlight. It was the most wonderful thing she had ever seen in her life. Her name was engraved on the front in beautiful scroll.

Looking up she asked, “Why, it’s not my birthday?”

Again, her Nan smiled and spoke, in a voice so full of emotion Miriam could feel her heart pull. “Your father and I have somethings to discuss, stay out here for a little while child.” She gave her a hug and a kiss, then walked back to the house.

Miriam wandered around the yard, admiring the bracelet. When she looked up, she was in front of the barn, the new orange paint still shone bright. Next to Blue, orange was her grandmother’s favorite color. Many days were spent inside hiding and exploring the loft and stalls. Pulling open the door Miriam stepped inside. She loved the smells and feel of the earth floor. The silence in a barn is unique, once inside the world outside disappears. She watched the rays of the setting sun pour through cracks in the walls, capturing dust particles that danced in the beam of light.

Without thinking or knowing why, she twirled her bracelet and released it into the air, it shone as it passed through the light, spinning, and sparkling. Producing its very own rays of golden light, radiating outward. Over and over, she spun it then tossed it, watching it shine, catching it. Up, down, catch …tossing it high the bracelet hit the cross beam, startling a sparrow from its perch. The bird took flight out the barn door, Miriam fell back in surprise, and lost sight of her gift.

She spun around, stared at the ground hoping to see it. Looking at her feet, to her left, right. In front of her, behind her. She couldn’t find it. Panic set in, she got on her knees and began tearing at the ground and loose hay. looking for her present. Dust blinded her vision, her fingernails bled, her dress covered in soil, strands of straw filled her hair, dirt smeared on her face, her tears only made it worse.

With no other option she ran to the house, bolted through the door. There she saw her grandmother sitting at the kitchen table, head in her hands. Her father standing over her, red faced. Clearly, they had been arguing.

They saw her standing in the doorway. Her father yelled “Miriam, go back outside.”

But her grandmother got up and came and knelt in front of her. Taking a napkin, she began to wipe her tiny face, tears continued streaming down.

“What’s wrong child.” Her Nan whispered.

Miriam stuttered, her sobs controlled her breathing, she tried to say words, but they came out in only bits and pieces. “ My bracelet, …threw it up … I was catching it… a bird flew and scared me…I can’t find it.”

Gazing into her grandmother’s eyes she suddenly calmed, taking a deep breath she said, “I think I lost my bracelet,”

Her grandmother hugged her, held her hand and brought her to the table. Pouring her a glass of water, she calmly said, “Now tell me what happened.”

Miriam poured her heart out, telling them everything. The three of them walked out to the barn and look around till dusk set in and they could no longer see.

Her father walked away, muttering. “I hope you learned a lesson, Miriam.”

Nan held her hand as they walked back to the house. Her Grandmother whispered to herself, “I will miss my little shadow.”

Miriam had no idea what she meant by that, until later.

The next morning her father packed her things and they drove away. That was the last time she lived at her grandmother’s house. They moved to the west coast to live. The drive was silent and long, Miriam cried for most of the trip.

Loud voices shook her out of the memory. She decided to join the family outside. Walking to the table for some food and a drink, she saw Helen and her husband, uncle Marv arguing.

She heard her uncle say “But why, Helen. What was the big deal, why couldn’t you just let her have her wish?”

Hellen turned away from Marv, reached over and picked at some fried chicken. “Honestly Marv, I changed it because it was hideous, I picked out something much better.”

Clearly frustrated Marv sputtered. “She is my mother, Helen. You should have honored her request.”

With a dismissive wave, Helen sauntered off, fried chicken in hand.

Miriam sidled up to her uncle handing him a beer. “What was that all about?”

Marv broke out of his trance. “Oh, hi Miriam It was nothing, Mom… grandma requested to be buried in her blue dress, you know the one with the white lace. But Helen decided differently and gave them the dark green dress instead. Apparently, it matched the casket.”

“Jesus.” Miriam exclaimed. “That is bullshit, what a bitch.”

Uncle Marv was taken back by her language but instead of getting embarrassed he stated.

“Miriam, that is my wife you are referring too.”

Miriam stood there in shock, it just slipped out, she was about to apologize when her uncle burst out laughing. “She’s definitely the Queen B.”

Miriam started to giggle.

The entire group of people watched as the two toasted each other and continued to chuckle. It was a stress relief, soon people who had no idea what was going on, began to laugh as well. Except Hellen, who grabbed a piece of lemon pie and waddled off.

After a few drinks, Miriam got an idea. Marching into the house, she proceeded to her Nans bedroom and opened her closet. Dammit she was going to find that blue dress and place it in the casket with her grandmother. She recognized it immediately, it was grans favorite. Gently pulling it out Miriam laid it out on the bed preparing to fold it, when she felt something in the pocket.

Miriam reached in and gently pulled out a red velvet cloth, opening it up, there was the bracelet she had lost years ago.

Miriam held it to her chest and sat on the bed, tears fell down her cheeks like they did so many years ago. She couldn’t stop the flood.

Holding it close to her heart she turned it over and saw something etched on the underside. She never noticed it when she received it the first time.

Slowly, she read six engraved words.

Forever My Little Shadow,

Love Nan

This story is dedicated to my Mother who calls my Daughter "Her little Shadow"

I would like to thank you for taking the time to read my story. If you enjoyed it, please leave a heart, and help yourself to view my other writings.

Jason,