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Linnie Lane

Your life's purpose is greater than your greatest desire

By Alexis FentonPublished 3 years ago 12 min read
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6:00AM. The sun is beginning its glow over the Chicago skyline. The birds chirp with harmonious song and the noise of the city is at its lowest. Avery wakes with no intention of productivity today. Between the hangover and the conversation he had with his cousin, Victor, last night the overwhelming emotion he’s feeling is something he’d rather leave dormant.

He scrounges up enough energy to get out of bed and makes his way over to his half renovated bathroom. He stares down at the chosen marble he has yet to put up and is reminded of all the projects he has yet to finish. His bathroom, his novel, his search for a purposeful life. The one thing about Avery, though he may be a social butterfly, he basks in the time he gets to spend alone. He finds peace in quiet moments.

Hunched over the sink, he splashes cold water on his face and catches a glimpse of the man looking back at him. Broken. Hollow. Guilt-ridden. He walks out to the kitchen and remembers the damage he’s done; glasses broken, plates smashed, even a trickle of blood streaming from the countertops to the hallway bath. He lets out a giant exhale to steady himself. Avery looks down at the picture he pulled out in his drunken rage and basks in the beauty that was once his innocence. He is sitting on his father’s knee, smiling from ear to ear.

Avery remembers that day well. His father woke him up way too early on a summer day and told him he had to tend to the animals. He loved watching his father work. He admired his dedication and strength. There was nothing he couldn’t do in his eyes. His father took him out to the barn, that he built himself, and showed him the new addition. A majestic, all black stallion, soon to be named Char, who would be his right hand man. At the time, Avery was nervous of his family’s horses. He liked them from a far but always had an irrational fear that the horses could eat him in one easy bite. As they walk through the barn doors, the smell of hay, feces and urine slap him across the face. His father lifts him up on his shoulder and tells him to put his hand out. Shaky, Avery does what he’s told. With his eyes shut he feels the tickling of the horses lips on his fingers and the heat of his breath. He slowly opens one eye at a time and the fear melts away. His father turns him around and tells him, “Avery, sometimes the things you least wanna do, are the most impactful in the end”. From that day on, he spent the most of his teenage years in the barn with Char. Almost inseparable.

As time went on, his interest in the family farm dwindled and he only had eyes for the big city. Didn’t matter which one. New York, Los Angeles, the closest was Chicago but it didn’t matter. He just wanted to get there. Avery and his father fought constantly. It wasn’t that he was lazy like his father loved to tell him, but he was not a man for backbreaking work. Smarter not harder he always thought but wouldn’t dare say. By his 20th birthday, they had reached the height of their feud. He packed a bag and used that blind rage to catapult him to the train station and buy the first ticket to Chicago without the fear of leaving everything behind. Now rounding his 30th birthday, Avery looks down at the picture and still feels anger but confusion for the loss of a person that meant so much to him at one point in his life.

Honestly, he doesn’t know what to do being now the sole owner of a 400 acre cattle farm in a small town in Indiana. He picks up the scattered debris, packs a bag and grabs his 2002 red pick up out of the garage.

Three hours and 4 bottles of water later, he is pulling onto Linnie Lane.

Victor is already there waiting for him. In his heavy but exuberant accent “Hey cuz, look at you! Long time no see. We’ve missed you over here!”

Avery chucks a side smile.

“Well I hate to have given you the news over the phone but I figured you’d want to know as soon as possible. The service is a week from today and Aunt Addie is arranging everything.”

They slowly walk into the main house and it feels like pure nostalgia. The outdated wallpaper, the dusty but memorable pictures of his family on the walls. Even the photo of his late mother who passed when he was only 2. He remembers he used to sit and stare at her for hours.

“Wow. Everything is exactly the same.”

“Glad to see your old man never changed.”Puzzled at Victor’s response, it becomes clear that he must not have known of their falling out. Avery walks through the house, every corner unlocking memories he has since forgotten.

“Well Victor, I appreciate you giving me the keys. I think I better start figuring out what I want to do with this place.”

“For sure Big A. Let me know if you need help tiding this place up. I was happy to run the farm since your pop’s passed. I may know a couple families up the road that’ll be interested in the property if….you know….”

“I’ll make sure to get their information before I leave.” Avery says before waving his cousin goodbye.

He walks to his old bedroom wondering if his father erased him from his life completely. He opens the door and tears run down his face. Nothing has changed. The few things he left behind still in their designated places, dust collecting all around them. He stares at a picture on his desk of him sitting on Char’s back. He flings up and runs through the kitchen out the back door to the barn. He slides the 15 foot high doors open and gets hit with the same smell he remembers as a kid.

“Char?” “Char are you still here buddy?”

His family always owned 4-5 horses at a time but as he walked through he noticed that the barn was empty. Except for one. All the way in the back, in the corner, hidden by the darkness, Char!

“Char, how are you!? I’ve missed you buddy!” Avery says with so much glee and a big smile on his face.

It was clear that Char recognized his old friend and felt the same. He let out a big nay and trotted around in his stable. “Let’s get you out of there huh?”

Knowing his father, he figured everything was in the exact same spot. He grabbed his saddle, stirrups and led Char out of the barn.

“Wanna have some fun buddy?” And just like that, the half ton horse takes off towards the meadow. Avery missed how exhilarating it felt to have the strength of a giant underneath you. The sound of the hooves galloping on the ground and the sound of the air rushing through your ears were music to his ears. There was nothing better. For two miles, he couldn’t help but smile.

Char stops at the top of the hill, where the view of the green farmland go on for miles. “Ha, you wanted to show me something didn’t you? It’s beautiful, you’re right. But what do you expect me to do?” Avery finds it funny how easy it is to talk to one of his oldest friends. They spent hours together once his father realized Char and Avery had an inseparable bond.

They make their way back to the old barn. He puts Char back in his stable, locks up and heads toward the house with his legs feeling the lack of practice.

“Hey stranger!” A woman’s voice calls out at the top of the drive. He squints to see who’s calling him when he notices the messy brunette bun and the twinkle of amber in the woman’s eyes.

“Gloria, isn’t it nice to see you!” He says excited but weary.

“You still looking the same huh? I’m sorry to hear about your pops. He never got tired of telling stories about you.”

“Really??”

“Yeah of course! You had to of known how proud he was of you. He never stopped telling us.” She lets out a subtle giggle.

“Oh yeah, well you know my pops, never really good at expressing himself.”

“I can see that. You getting everything together?” She asks with interest.

“I am. I’m just not sure what to do with all of this. Do I sell?” He takes a long pause and throwing his hands up, “What am I saying of course I sell. I just, I don’t know….” He says with tension and stress written all over his face.

“If it’s any consolation, I know how much your daddy wanted you to have this place. It’s his pride and joy.” She knew watching his reaction, it was so consolation at all.

“OF COURSE I KNOW THAT! HE’S ALWAYS WANTED ME TO RUN THIS PLACE AND BE JUST LIKE HIM! LOOK AT ME! I’M NOT HIM!”

Panting, he sees Gloria’s face become flushed and realizeS they aren’t high school crushes anymore, they barely know each other and he should never raise his voice like that at a woman. Avery steps towards her and lets out his arms.

“Gloria, I’m sorry. Something no one here seems to know is my father and I had a falling out years ago and that’s why I left. So to hear how proud of me he was, how much I meant to him, sends my mind into a spiral.”

Gloria takes a deep breath before she responds, “I apologize too. But I think you should know that the way he portrayed you to the town, is nothing short of the perfect son.” She watches Avery’s response before continuing, “I mean all those letters he wrote you…I just thought you…..”

Avery interrupts her. “Letters?”

“Every time I came to visit him, he’d be writing letters keeping you updated on things at the farm, seeing what you was up to, saying how much he loved you….,” Both Avery and her eyes grow big, “You never got them?”

Avery shook his head.

“God, I shouldn’t have said anything. Look Avery, I’m torn up by the loss of your pops, we all loved him, even though he was tough. But you wanna know my favorite part about him? He waited as she paused. "It was the look he’d get in his eyes when he’d talk about you. It always made me feel…..I don’t know…..close to you. After all these years.”

Avery brings his eyes back to her. “I appreciate you telling me all this. It doesn’t make my life easier but it’s special to know. I’ve got to go take care of some things, so hopefully I’ll see you around.”

She looks at him with guilt smeared across her face, “Hope to see you around too.”

Consumed by frustration and embarrassment, Avery slams the front door behind him. “What the HELL?!” He shouts not expecting a response. He needs a drink. His father didn’t drink much but he knew he kept a little stash in the antique wardrobe in the hall. He rounds the corner, throws open the wardrobe doors and rummages for something, anything, dark and filled with liquor. Tools, papers, old dingy rags, nothing. In the corner of his eye he sees a stack of stuffed envelopes. His face goes numb, his fingers tingle, he can hear his heart beat in his ears. Almost as if he’s moving in slow motion, he gently grabs the well stacked envelopes as if they were made of glass.

Avery Wilks

452 N Malden St

Chicago, IL 60640

He sits on the old couch in the living room and begins to open the first letter,

Avery,

My son. I want to say I’m sorry. That there is nothing I wouldn’t do to support your dreams. It’s hard to tell you this but I was wrong. I should never have forced you to be someone you’re not. Everything I do is because I love you. — Dad

Tears well up in his eyes. He can barely breathe. He opens another.

Avery,

You won’t believe what happened today. The cattle got out and back on the Miller’s property. One of those boys was sitting on their front step. Can you believe that?! Hey, I love you and I hope you forgive me. — Dad

Another one….

Avery,

Your mother would be so proud of you. That girl Gloria follows you on that picture internet thing and showed me a few pictures of what you been doing. Looks like you’re having a great time. I know you’re making a good life for yourself out there and that’s all I could ever want. — Dad

Avery didn’t realize he stopped breathing and felt his head begin to spin. His heart racing like he just ran a marathon. He just wishes he made things right before this point. Although he felt anger his father never sent them out, he knows that it wasn’t just his father’s responsibility to mend their relationship and now it’s too late.

Avery,

I hurt my back today getting my tools out the shed. I was gonna go lay down but thank god Matthew stopped by and gave me this cream. I’m glad it wasn’t a pill, you know I hate taking those things. I don’t think that cream is worth nothing but I fixed that loose back door. You know your mother hated how it squeaked. My back sure does hurt but you know what I always say, sometimes the things you least wanna do, are the most impactful in the end. Your mom would be happy to see it, I think you would too. I love you son! — Dad

He spends the next hour taking in all 35 letters written to him over the last 10 years. Deeply regretting how he left and choosing to not mend things.

“I’m sorry Dad. I’m so sorry.” He cries as he hunches over and tears splatter across his jeans. He goes to bed with a heavy heart and an emotional exhaustion that supersedes any drink.

6:00AM. The sun peaks its head from behind the black walnut trees. Avery, ready to start his day as if filled with new life, he throws open the barn doors and with a stoic presence yells, “Char, let’s go buddy. We’ve got work to do!”

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About the Creator

Alexis Fenton

26. Los Angeles transplant from VA. Finding my way back to writing after years of ignoring my greatest passion. You can either catch me singing/songwriting, rollerskating or curled up with a good thriller novel.

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