Like Elliot: Part 5

As I closed the door to Parker's car, all I could think of was the journal sitting in my bag. I waved him goodbye and rushed inside to start reading.

My eyes raced across the scribbles in the pages, reading every sentence over and over again, trying to understand what all of this means.

This is where I learned the most about Elliot. I had previously thought I knew everything about him. It turns out, I was completely wrong. The memory of the Elliot I knew remains, but is now increasingly more complicated.

In this, Elliot revealed his thoughts and occurrences. Writing down his feelings and trying to make sense of everything as the words came to life.

Inside these long pages were short passages of his mistreatment; how his father and older brothers treated him. As a kid, we didn’t use the terms “trauma” or “abuse” or even hear them being spoken much. Though we saw such words in books, it was too taboo a subject to speak about. It shouldn’t have been, but it was. Well, is. In this town, things are "better off" unspoken; it gives the appearance that everything is pretty and kind, but deep down, all the systemic problems are held under a rock. I just didn’t realize it until Elliot was gone.

This is also why I can’t automatically trust Parker. Though he is kind, I am unfortunately wary of his kindness. It is often used as a tool for manipulation among the men here. That’s why when I left for college, I barely turned back, even if it meant never settling for answers about Elliot.

But this time is different. I have something tangible that is giving closure and a possible way back to Elliot. If not Elliot himself, at least an understanding of what happened.

And so, I stayed.

For the next week, I lay cooped up in my room and sprawled across the barn with my eyes glued to the pages and taking note.

Until I found something. Something quite strange. However, I am unable to tell if I am seeing this from a lack of sleep or if Elliot did leave something for me.

I begin to trace back my steps to the day before his disappearance—when we were at Marie’s. I can’t think of anything being out of the ordinary. Nonetheless, I am starting to believe that this journal was meant to be placed in my hands.

The day at Marie's also happens to be the day I was holding off on reading. The last page of Elliot's journal will tell me if there is something more to his story. More than what he already wrote. I understood that I could not push it away any longer.

I inhale. Close my eyes. Flip the page. Exhale. Eyes open.

Dated the day before he was gone.

No words on the pages.

Only what seems to be a code. One that I would stay up for 48 hours straight to try and understand.

A child was this smart and prepared to leave something behind, thorough and unreadable to the average eye. This makes me think that everything about Elliot was planned. Even down to him transferring to my school and the way he acted around Mrs. Giliani.

When I awoke with drool on my notepad and a pen clutched in my hand, I realized I might need some help.

I am disappointed that I can't figure it out right away, but Elliot would want someone to understand these pages. At least that's what I'd like to think.

Maybe it was time for Parker to gain my trust.

Over the next few weeks, I began seeing Parker almost every day. Although I had an ulterior motive, Parker was becoming a good companion. I was getting a second chance to learn about someone I glossed over in my childhood.

I learned that he too went to college. He studied history and came back afterward. At the back of my mind, I think that his studies in history could be a help.

I shared my story too, that I left because all we have around here are raging bulls, chickens, and toxic masculinity. Though he could tell there was more than I was letting off: in which I replied with, “And yes, because of Elliot too.”

So: Elliot’s disappearance.

I haven’t gone into too much detail because frankly, I don’t know much. And what I remember isn’t too reliant either. It was chaotic and emotional.

One day, he was gone. Nothing left behind, not a trace—until now that is, which makes me both grateful and mad at Marie for not acting on this sooner.

I bring this up to Parker, and he mentions that in the short conversations he had with his grandma about this, she hid it from the police while they were investigating. And since the case was open for a while, it ended up in a box for longer than was expected. Until one day, it became forgotten.

But leaving without a trace is what immediately started the investigation to look for a kidnapping suspect. All Elliot's clothes remained in his home, his school supplies in his desk...even his shoes in the mudroom.

I always thought Elliot was too smart to let that happen to him, though there was no other explanation. I started to believe it over time.

That is, until I figure out this code.