Life on a Train

His eyes opened suddenly, he gasped as he sat up straight in his seat. His heart was pounding hard in his chest, he was breathing heavy. He could feel sweat trickling down his forehead, he used the back of his sleeve to wipe it off, that’s when he noticed he was wearing a suit. He looked down at himself. It was an all back suit, with a black tie. He looked around at his surroundings, realizing he was on a train. He pulled himself up off his seat and looked around more, the cart was completely empty. He sat back in his seat confused. How did he get on the train? Who was he? What was his name? Why was he sweaty? The questions kept running through his mind, he had no way to answer them. His heart pump louder in his chest, he could feel ringing in his ears. He turned his head and looked out the widow hoping he was going to recognize something through the glass. The train was moving too fast, everything outside looked like a blur. He began to feel panicked, he quickly patted his chest, and his thighs looking for something to be in his pockets; a wallet, an ID, a watch, a ticket, anything that he could call his, but he didn’t have any pockets on him. He stood up from his seat and into the aisle and looked up and down the cart, he didn’t see anyone.

The man heard a pop, at the other end of the cart. He waited standing there wondering what it was. After a few seconds there was another pop. The man walked down the aisle following the popping sounds. He turned to his left, he saw a boy. The kid must’ve been no older than seven. He had a red baseball hat, matching shirt and blue jeans. The kid had a baseball glove on his right hand and was tossing a baseball into it. The boy was covered in dirt. He had dirt on his face, shirt, hand, knees. It looked like his just slid to home base during a game. He had wet streaks on his cheeks that made it look like he had been crying. The boy didn’t acknowledge that there was someone standing over him. He was chewing gum quite loudly, staring straight ahead. The boy blew a large bubble with the gum, the bubble grew larger than the boys face, it popped and the gum splattered against the boys face. He twisted his mouth loosening the gums grip on his face then sucked the gum back up along with some dirt and continued to chew it.

The man watched the boy for a bit as the boy chewed the gum then blew a bubble waited until it popped then repeated the cycle.

“Do you know how I got here?” The man finally asked.

The boy popped his bubble continued chewing then shrugged.

“Did you see me come in?” The man asked the boy chewed the gum shaking his head.

“Do you know when the next stop is?”

The boy shrugged again.

The man sat across from the boy. For a few moments he sat in silence and watched the boy chew the gum then pop it. The boy didn’t look at the man. The man sighed then asked,

“Where are your parents?”

The boy shrugged, “my dads never around and my mom died a few years back.” The man looked at the boys outfit again, there were no identifiable tags on it.

“Why are you in a baseball uniform? Did you just come from a game?” Hoping to get a sense of where he was.

This is the first time the boy looked at the man, tears began to form in the boys eyes but he quickly wiped them away. “I had this huge baseball game today, championships, my dad was supposed to be there but he never made it. On the last inning I tried to take a home run, as I was rounding to home I searched the crowd for my dad, I didn’t see him. I went to slide to home base too early, I was out before my fingertips touched the base.”

The man felt bad, the kid looked disappointed, let down, beat up, and discouraged.

“My dad never made it to any of my games, and I was stupid to think he would this time. If I wasn’t focused on him showing up, I know I could’ve won the game for my team.”

The man leaned back in the seat. He didn’t know why but for some reason he felt like he understood the boy. He felt like he should give advise to the boy.

“If your father wasn’t there for you then, he’ll probably won’t be there for you in the future.” The man had forgotten what it was like to be a kid and he knew he never wanted to remember. The man whipped his face with exasperation. He looked around the cart again for this kid’s father, but it was just them.

The man then noticed a door at the end of the train cart, it held his attention. He couldn’t take his eyes off it, he had to go through it. He stood up from his seat keeping his focus on the door. The kid wasn’t his problem, he didn’t know how to help him. He needed to get out of there and find out where he is. He walked down the aisle, his eyes still fixated on the door. He grabbed the handle to the door, suddenly he felt a wave of different emotions, fear was the big one, confusion, loneliness. He wondered if it was the right decision to go through the door, he didn’t know what lay beyond it. He was safe here, he knew what was here, but something inside of him told him it was time.

The man turned the handle and pushed the door opened. The next cart was a bar, the man stepped into the cart and the door closed behind him. Smoke floated around the cart, making it look like he was in a western movie. The walls were lined with oak wood, the bar was from one end of the train to the other. The bar was also made from oak wood. There were twelve barstools they ran along the bar, they were cushioned and covered with a navy blue velvet. On the opposite side of the bar there were 6 large arm chair seats, they were back to back in a row, there were also covered in the same dark blue velvet as the bar stools.

There was a young man who was the bartender he was standing behind the bar cleaning glasses with a rag. The bar tender looked young. He had a thick dark brown beard and dark brown hair. He was wearing a bartender uniform of a white shirt, black vest and bow tie. Sitting at the bar near the bartender, was an attractive woman, she had a red t-shirt and dark blue jeans, her hair was tied up in a bun. She looked tired and had large bags under her eyes. She sucked tightly on her cigarette. She stared at the man as he stood in front of the door. In the corner of the bar cart on one of the arm chairs was an older man reading a newspaper. On the table in front of him was a glass filled with dark liquid, the man could only assume it was a rum and coke. The man reading his newspaper was not bothered by the new person entering the space, and didn’t look up from what he was reading.

“Come in and sit” the bartender gestured to the empty bar stool next to the woman. The bartender looked friendly, opened, and caring. The man felt like he could trust the bartender, tell his secrets and he would keep them safe. He thought his feelings were strange as he wasn’t sure how or if he even knew the bartender. The man hesitated only for a second, then decided to welcome the invite and took a seat on the stool next to the woman. Once he sat he again looked around the cart. There was something familiar about the place and people. He couldn’t quite understand why, it was like having a word on the tip of your tongue but not being able to remember it.

“Want a drink?” The man turned back to the bartender who was smiling. The man went to reach into his pants pocket for his wallet when he remembered he had nothing on him. “ I have no money.” He said embarrassed. “It’s on the house” the bartender answered continuing to smile. “rum and coke please” the man was surprised he knew what he wanted and ordered it so freely. The bartender nodded, grabbing a glass and filling it with the rum then the coke, he placed a stirrer, mixed the liquids around then placed the glass in front off him. The man took a large gulp, the drink was also a familiar drink, it was cool and the rum burnt the back of his throat, but the sensation was expected, familiar, satisfying. He took another gulp, then another, emptying the glass. He put the glass down on the bar.

“Another?” The bartender asked and the man nodded.

This time as the bartender prepared his drink the man looked at the stranger reading the news paper. The strange man looked intimidating, over powering. The man for some reason feared the stranger even though no glances or words were spoken. He heard a soft clang as his drink was once again placed in front of him. The man took another big gulp, then another finishing the glass once again. “Another?” The bartender asked. The man nodded, the bartender prepared another drink. The man leaned forward over the bar and spoke softly, “do you know where we are?” The bartender placed his drink in front of him, “does anyone know where they are really?” The man sat back in the stool and stared at the bartender, that was an odd answer he thought taking another large gulp from his drink. Why is everyone on this train crazy? He turned to the attractive woman who had just started a new cigarette and was huffing it just as intensely as the other one. The man was overwhelmed by the feeling of needing comfort, got the sense that this woman should be providing it to him. He stared at the woman who huffed her cigarette and drank her martini, the woman looked up from her drink to him. They stared into each other’s eyes for a moment, “do we know each other?” The man asked confused “should we know each other?” The woman asked back the man who shrugged, “I feel like we should, but I am unable to remember anything right now. Do you know when the next stop is on this train?” The woman shrugged then finished her drink. The bartender made her another. “It stops whenever you need it to” she said finishing her cigarette. The man watched as she squished the butt into the ashtray then blew out the last hit of smoke into the air. He started at the butt that had a print of red lipstick at the tip where her lips touched the paper. The man then realized that he hated the smell of cigarettes, but at the same time, the smell was warm and comforting. The woman pulled out a case popped it open and pulled out another cigarette. She put it to her lips, grabbed a lighter that was on the bar, flicked the lighter on then held it to her cigarette. She puffed until the cigarette caught on fire. She tossed the lighter back onto the table and with two fingers pulled the cigarette from her mouth and blew out the smoke. The man finished his drink quickly then placed it down on the bar, “another?” The bartender asked “why are these free?” He asked confused. “Because you need them to be free” the bartender responded. “I need someone to answer me straight here” he looked the bartender straight in his eyes. The man could start to feel the alcohol consume his body and his decisions, clouding his mind. He wanted to know where he was, where he was going and why he was here. It felt like a dream to him, but he knew he wasn’t dreaming, he could taste the liquid of his drink, feel the rum down his throat, he could smell the smoke from the cigarette. He looked down at his glass and his fingers gripped the glass tightly, he knew this wasn’t a dream. Out of the corner of his eyes the man looked at the stranger reading the news paper. He suddenly felt a hand on his arm, the man looked up to see the woman smiling at him, “go on honey, go talk to him.” The man knew he needed to, deep down inside he felt like there was unfinished business between them. He stood up from the bar and cautiously walked over. He sat in the chair across from the man. Even being only a foot away, the strange man still didn’t turn his eyes away from the news paper. The man suddenly get a rush or anger, hatred, feeling unloved, ignored. He wanted this man to look his straight in the eye, acknowledge that he was there, right in front of him. He clenched his teeth, his fist balled up and he could feel his neck tighten. With his right hand he reached out grabbed the top of the news paper and pulled it down. The man finally looked at him, dead in the eye, he gave him the coldest stare. For a few moments, they stared at eyes other as if it was a staring contest, to the man it felt like it lasted an eternity. The strange man broke the silence,” You finally got the balls to come over here did you?” The man didn’t know how to respond, what a thing to say, he thought to himself. The strange man took a sip of his drink and smiled, but it wasn’t a happy smile, it was more of a sinister one. Suddenly the man felt at a lost for words. He looked down feeling ashamed. He looked back towards the bar, and thought about having another drink, maybe even two or three more. The woman and the bartender were talking to each other, he couldn’t make out what they were saying , but he felt more comfortable over there with a drink in hand then facing this man. He looked back up, the man had gone back to reading the newspaper like nothing was happening, “look at me!” The man said angrily. The man slowly put down the newspaper, looked at him amusingly. “Wipe that smile off your face, this isn’t a joke.” The man felt like he had rhythm now, he knew what he had to say. “You never acknowledged me, you never worried about me, you blamed me for everything, you showed hatred, and dislike. You never made me feel wanted you never helped me become a man.” Suddenly the man knew who he was looking at, his father. “Thought out my life I only strived to make you proud. Hoping that one day I’ll do something that’ll make you give me a pat on the back and say that’s my boy, or to look at me at the breakfast table. To show me that I was something to you.” Tears flooded the man’s eyes but he pushed them down. He had to get this all out. “Even as a young man I gravelled at your feet searching for any affection but never found any. Why?”

“You remember finally? Good, took you long enough. You were always slow and dumb. You were pathetic, even as a baby I knew you’d amount to nothing. You were a mommas boy and even after your mother died mother, you grew weaker not stronger.” You were supposed to be, my son, my legacy, instead you were crying, and pissing yourself.”

As he spoke all the memories came flooding back, he remembered being barely seven staring at his mother who was white as a ghost laying in the coffin. He remembered him and his brother holding hands as they stood in the rain while she was lowered into the ground. He remembered his father, drinking all the time after her death then beating them up. He remembered that even being beaten he still wanted to make his father proud of him. His father kept rambling on “you were never a man” he said sternly cutting his father off. He stood up from his seat, “You were the one who was a coward, you were the one who beat defenceless kids after they lost their mother, you were the one who depraved us of any love or affection. This isn’t my fault, this is your fault, your the one who should apologize, your the one who should’ve cared for us, been there for us and supported us. I can’t believe I wasted my life chasing after you craving your attention, your love. You are a cold hearted man!” The man closed his eyes and left out a sigh. With his thumb and pointer finger he pinched the beige of his nose. With his eyes closed he said, “Even though you were never the father I needed nor wanted, even though you neglected and beat my brother and I. Even though I wasted many years of my life trying to make you proud of me. I have moved on with my life, I have realized this are mistakes you made and they are not my fault.” He let down his hand and looked at his father, “I have forgiven you.” His father looked at him surprised. “Whatever you did to us is in the passed and I have moved on from you.”

The man turned to the woman who was at the bar and recognized it was his mother, and the bartender was his older brother. Tears filled up in his eyes, he opened his arms and went to his mother, the woman stood up from her stool and hugged him tightly. He closed his eyes as tears of happiness fell onto her shoulder. He took in a deep breath and she smelt like her perfume, the one she would spray on everything she left the house. She kissed him on his cheek, and whispered in his ear, “I knew you’d remember me. I have missed you so much, and I love you to the moon and back.” Hearing her voice and feeling her love the man began to sob. Since she died all he wanted to do was hear those words and feel her hugs. He held her tighter never wanting to let her go. “Shh, shh its alright, I’m here now”

As he hugged her his memories flooded back. He remembered her spraying the perfume saying she’d be back in twenty minutes, leaving the house but never coming home. He remembered him and his brother waiting until dark when their father walked in and noticed that she wasn’t there. He remembered the doctors telling them that she was hit by a truck and the hit being fatal. He remembered feeling like it was his fault that she left because he wanted ice cream after diner so she went out to get it for him. A guilt he carried with him. “I’m so sorry” he said through his tears. “Don’t be sorry baby, these things happen. Even to the best of people.” She pulled away from him and looked at him, she gently wiped the tears from his eyes. “I love you so much Marcus, I am sorry you had to deal with my death so young.”

The bartender came around the bar, he opened his arms and Marcus hugged his brother. It had been years since they’d seen each other. His brother Andy died when Marcus was twenty five, he died from a robbery gone wrong. He was mugged walking home from work at night, was shot, and died there on the street.

Marcus pulled away from his brother and looked at them both. “Am I dead?” He asked.

They both looked at him, “what do you think Marcus” his mother asked him. “I think I’ve died, but I don’t know why I’m on this train.” “Somethings you gotta answer yourselves, and we can answer for you” he brother said. Marcus wiped the tears from his eyes and cheeks. “My memories are starting to come back. I remember being an alcoholic, I remember trying to drink my pain away. Then I remember meeting Annie. Is she here?” He looked around the bar. “It’s time honey” his mother said sweetly. “Time for what?” Marcus asked. His mother and brother both looked down the cart at the end was a door. Marcus knew what he had to do. He had to continue on the journey. He looked back to his mother and brother and felt torn. He didn’t want to leave them. Especially his mother, he just got back with her. He wanted to stay. He looked back at the door, and if Annie was on the other side, he knew he had to move on.

He hugged them both and walked down the cart. He closed his eyes and opened the door and walked through. There was a flash of light, then died down. He opened his eyes, standing in front of him was his wife Annie. Her back was turned to him. She was swaying side to side humming. She was her young, early twenties. She was wearing his favourite outfit a yellow dress with a floral pattern. Marcus started to cry again, he remembered how much he missed her. He remembered them getting old together, the cancer diagnosis, and holding her hand as she took her last breath. Marcus took a step forward and Annie turned around, she was looking down, and smiling at what she was holding. She was holding something in her arms, it was wrapped in a blanket. She looked up to Marcus, “want to meet your daughter?” She asked. Daughter? He didn’t have any kids, Annie had a still birth. After that experience she never wanted to have kids and Marcus completely understood. Annie walked up to Marcus and showed him this healthy cooing baby. She handed the baby to him, and he took her awkwardly. He held the baby in his arms and cried. He fell to his knees looking at this beautiful baby. Annie knelt down with him and placed her arm around his shoulder and kissed his cheek. With his free arm he pulled her closely and and hugged her. “Annie I’ve missed you so much. Life’s not the same without you.” He kissed her. All the memories of his life came back. The puzzle pieces of his memory came together into a beautiful masterpiece. He felt whole and complete. All he ever wanted and needed were in his arms.

He remembered the final moments of his life. He remembered being an old lonely man, with no family or friends. Feeling depressed having just lost his wife and soulmate a few months back. He remembered his last day on earth, walking home from the hospital, the doctors telling him his own cancer will take him soon if his failing heart doesn’t take him first. He remembered opening the front door to his house and feeling the emptiness and loneliness and the space. A house that was once full of hope, dreams and promises now feeling empty. He went into the house and sat down on his couch. Beside him was a picture of his wife when she was younger and he began to cry. He was done living, he couldn’t live without her, he was dying anyways. Beside him was his array of pills keeping him alive. He grabbed one of the pill bottles, opened it and popped all the pills in his mouth, he chewed the pills then swallowed. He picked up the picture frame and looked at his wife. “I’ll be with you soon” he said to the picture then closed his eyes. The next thing he knew he woke up on the train.