Last Christmas

Natalie opened the front door of her cabin to step into the winter night. For hours, she had been fighting tears as Christmas approached. Her parents had wanted her to spend Christmas Eve night at their house, but Natalie had left after dinner. She thought being alone would be easier, but she found herself choking on her loneliness.

The first snowflakes were drifting to earth as Natalie’s tears trickled. Eyes turned to the sky, she looked the brightest star and whispered, “Please, bring Theo home for Christmas.” Her answering reply was only the whisper of the swirling snowflakes drifting over the Christmas tree farm that Theo’s grandparents had started.

The acres of evergreen trees stood like soldiers, protecting her from the raw pain that threatened to devour her. For weeks, she had been too busy to focus on her first Christmas without her husband, and the tree farm was a jolly distraction. The flow of the holiday season had kept her mind occupied and left her little time to focus on her pain or cry.

Natalie blinked her tears from her eyes as the air whispered with falling snow. She shivered inside her coat and was about to head in for the cabin’s fireplace when she noticed a figure moving among the trees. Her heart skipped a beat as the figure stepped out from behind a towering fir into the moonlight.

“Theo!” Natalie ran through the swirling snowflakes and leaped into Theo’s arms. He grunted, and she felt him chuckle as she hugged him for dear life as if he would vanish if she let go.

“Don’t hug me to death, Nat; I wanted to spend Christmas with you.” Oh, how she missed his sexy, gravelly voice.

“I wasn’t expecting you not after,” Natalie sighed, knowing she had grown tired of missing him. She was exhausted from everyone wondering why she worked the tree farm without her husband. He put a finger to her lips, silencing her from finishing the sentence.

“Turns out, I’m home for Christmas after all. Can’t leave my best girl alone on her favorite day of the year.” His smile was as warm as the Christmas lights strung around the cabin. After studying his face, the stubble on his chin, the scar by his right eye, and the sharp cheekbones, she buried her face into his chest, her body singing with relief as he wrapped his sturdy arms around her.

“Everyone told me to accept that you were gone,” Natalie said as they walked hand in hand back to the cabin. “But, everyone doesn’t know how strong the bond is between us.”

Theo squeezed her hand as they mounted the staircase to the front porch. “I know how hard it has been for you, Natalie, but I can’t make any promises to you. I’m here for Christmas only.”

Natalie put her hand up. “Please, let’s not talk about what happens after Christmas.”

Theo tucked a strand of her auburn hair behind her ear and nodded. They shared a kiss before slipping inside the cabin.

Theo’s eyebrow arched as he looked around, a dark shadow passing across his face before he returned to his merry and bright state. “This is all the decorating you’ve done?”

“What can I say? Decking the halls wasn’t appealing when it’s just me here,” Natalie answered, hanging her coat on a hook.

He took her hand and led her to the spacious family room where the fire roared, and the tree gleamed, spreading Christmas cheer throughout the space. He pulled her down onto the sofa, and her body went electric with desire.

“Oh, how I’ve missed this,” she said, sinking onto his lap and wrapping her arms around his neck.

“Let me show how much I’ve been missing you” His voice was a husky whisper next to her ear, as she melted like a bowl of ice cream, turning into a puddle of warm goo.

They made love and fell asleep with the fire burning and the Christmas lights glowing.

******************

In the morning, Natalie awakes and stretches lazily, feeling the happiest she has felt in months. It’s Christmas! As soon as the thought pops into her mind, her heart shudders as she looks for Theo. Did he sneak out while she was fast asleep? Underneath the tree, she spots a pile of gifts wrapped in gold paper with red and green tartan bows.

“Theo?” she calls out as he comes from the direction of the kitchen with mugs of coffee in his hands.

“Merry Christmas, my beautiful girl,” Theo says, leaning down to kiss her, her stomach flipping over at the sight of him with his sleep messed hair.

“Merry Christmas,” Natalie said, brightening under his smile.

He handed the coffee mug to her, which she gratefully accepted. As she took her first sip, Theo spoke. “Santa came last night. I guess someone was a good girl.”

Natalie playfully swatted at his arm as he placed a package in her lap. “Open it,” he said with a blinding grin.

Carefully, she removed the packaging, revealing a snowglobe inside. It was a gorgeous snowglobe on a red wooden base. Inside, the swirling flakes, she saw a miniature of their tree farm. Tears formed in her eyes as she felt her heart grow wings and beat furiously in her chest.

“Thank you,” she said, choking on the emotions she was feeling this Christmas morning. Suddenly, she remembered. “I have something for you.” Natalie sees her phone getting an incoming call. MOM flashes across the screen. Her stomach somersaults, and she races up the stairs.

When she thunders down the stairs, Theo laughs. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Natalie smiles but bites her lower lip as she realizes he won’t be staying; he will be leaving again soon. She watches him finish stoking the fire and then hands him her gift.

Theo opens it, letting the paper float to the floor, “Zoey!” he said, tears springing in his eyes. “This was thoughtful of you, Nat.” He held up the painting of his beloved dog, who had died on their third date. Together, they drove back to the farm where his parents were waiting. They had fallen asleep in front of the fire, and Theo always joked she was the first woman allowed to spend the night. He also said it was the night he had fallen in love with her and knew she was the one. She had stayed up with him until they both drifted asleep, listening to his memories and comforting him.

“You’ve always been my North Star, Natalie.”

*********************

They were cooking breakfast when Natalie ignored a second phone call from her mother. Theo insisted on cooking french toast and bacon. They laughed until tears squeezed from their eyes. While he cooked, she stayed by his side, turning on the radio and dancing around the kitchen to his delight. Like two teenagers in love, they took turns feeding each other bites. Natalie wiped the syrup from his beard, and he kissed her forehead every time she said the word Christmas. They shared memories of Christmas past until Natalie started to believe that he wouldn’t leave this time.

She’s doing dishes when he comes up from behind, wrapping his arms around her waist. “Let’s go sledding,” he said, his breath a tingle on her neck. Her smile is wide as she spins around, placing her arms around his neck.

“Like our first married Christmas?”

“Yes, just like that.”

**********************

“It’s cold!” Natalie grumbles as the wind bites her face. They have reached the top of the hill overlooking the tree farm. Acres of fir’s, spruce’s, and pines flank them, but it’s clear at the hilltop. It’s a field of blinding, sparkling white snow surrounding them, making her feel as if they are inside the snowglobe he had given her.

“Cold on a snowy December 25th? Imagine that,” he said, grinning at her, placing the sled at the top of the hill.

She puts her hands on her hips. “That’s enough sass from your, mister!” Theo makes a silly face. “You are such a kid.”

“I’m a grown man with the heart of a kid,” Theo said as she rolled her eyes, mimicking his words.

“Now, who’s delivering the sass?” He said, raising an eyebrow.

She stuck her tongue out and felt a snowball hit her arm.

“My stars!” She said, jaw hanging open, her cheeks flushed from the cold, making her hazel eyes glow.

“Ok, grandma!” He said, chuckling as he created another snowball.

“Can your grandma do this?” Natalie said, whacking him in the chest with her hastily made creation.

“It’s on like Donkey Kong,” Theo said, chasing her as she squealed in delight.

*********************************

A couple of hours later, Natalie was warming herself by the fireplace as Theo prepared dinner. When they had come inside from their snow adventure, Natalie saw several missed calls from her parents, sister, and friends. She knew they only wanted to wish her Merry Christmas, but she didn’t want to hear their disappointment in their voice when she told them she was celebrating the day with Theo. They would think she was getting her hopes up, and the progress she had made would slide.

“Steak and potatoes good for your Christmas dinner?” Theo asked, popping out of the kitchen wearing her pink apron.

“The color pink brings out the color of your eyes.”

He fluttered his lashes and said in a higher voice. “Why, thank you, darling.”

Natalie laughed, trying to remember the last time she felt this light. Since Theo left, a boulder attached itself to her back as she struggled to swim through the current of life. For most of her year, it felt as if Natalie would drown at any moment. Theo was her anchor, and without him, she was adrift.

Right before she stands up to help her husband in the kitchen, headlights sweep through the room, cutting into the festive atmosphere. She steps toward the window and sees her father’s truck. Her parents are here.

“Theo! I’m stepping outside for a moment.”

“Don’t get lost in the winter wonderland.”

Quickly, she zips up her coat and adds gloves and a hat for good measure. She sees her breath as soon as she steps outside, leaving the fire-warmed interior behind. Her mother looks lovely in a cream peacoat despite her concerned expression.

“Merry Christmas, Natalie. Why are you not returning my calls?”

Natalie lifts her head to the star-strewn sky, not knowing how to reply. Does she tell her parents Theo is here with her now?

“Natalie,” her mother said, placing a gloved hand on her shoulder. “We don’t want you alone on Christmas. It’s your first Christmas without Theo.”

The words pierce her, stealing her breath, and she wants to flee from the pain permeating her body. She gasps, and a small sob escapes. Her father leaves the truck and walks over, pulling her into his arms.

“You are stronger than you know, my darling daughter, and you are not alone. We are here for you and, we don’t want you lost in the past.” Her father said as warm tears created a path down her face.

The front door opened, and Theo stepped out, “Merry Christmas!” The cheer of his tone was at odds with the sorrow swirling around them.

“Theo?” Her mother gasped, a river of tears streaming from her eyes while her father’s jaw dropped before he put a hand over his mouth, looking at Natalie in confusion.

“Natalie, can you explain how Theo is here?”

******************************************

“When you first got sick, we thought you had a bad cold. We made jokes about it like at least you made it through the Christmas season without getting sick.” Natalie was talking by the fireplace after her parents left to give them the rest of Christmas alone. “Within days, we knew it wasn’t a cold; it was something more serious. We went to urgent care, and they sent you to the hospital. You were 38, young and healthy. I never imagined a week later; I would be picking out your casket.”

They gripped hands, their tears flowing in unison.

“You promised me one last Christmas, it was the last coherent thing you said to me, lying in that bed hooked up to the things that I thought would save you, but the virus decided to take you and blindsided me in the process.”

Theo put his hand under her chin and lifted it. “I kept my promise, but maybe my choice was a selfish one. I don’t want to destroy any progress you’ve made in your healing, Natalie. You are a vibrant woman who turned 30 this year; you still have time to find someone and have a baby like we always talked about doing but never did.”

Natalie shakes her head, closing her eyes as more tears flow.

“My best girl, look at me.”

Natalie looked into his evening-colored eyes, that deepened blue shade that was nature’s gentle reminder that night was coming.

“Live your life, take your chances and make me happy knowing you’ve found what brings you joy. It would be best if you didn't waste your life missing me. What we had was beautiful and rare; cherish it, Natalie, but don’t spend your days living in the past and wishing for it back.”

It was almost midnight, December 26th, on the horizon when she left the warm shelter of the sturdy arms; she would never feel around her again. They kissed for the final time, lips singing with love that had no expiration date. Her fingers traced his face, running through his stubble, cupping his chin, saving his face to her memory for cold, lonely nights alone. Natalie didn’t want to use words; she stepped back, letting her eyes and hands speak for her.

Theo walked backward, eyes locked onto hers, love shining bright as he disappeared into the trees.

“Goodbye, my best girl.”

Natalie collapsed as the trees swallowed him whole. Pain hiccuped as the sobs rang out into the cold night. After some time, she turned her blurry eyes to the sky. The bright star was still shining like a beacon of hope.

“Thank you for our last Christmas,” she whispered into the chilly night before turning away from the star and heading inside to the cabin.