Ken

I am no longer afraid of the dark; it brings some quiet from my crazy life but also my friend - I have been longing to see him. It has been so long since I have seen him.

His name is Ken, not because his name is actually Ken but because Death just seems too scary of a name, it's kind of stuck now as when I named him, I was five years old, and I was into Barbie - at one time I thought he was my boyfriend, to late to take that back. It makes me cringe to think of all the embarrassing things he’s seen me do over the last sixteen years.

He is this big, tall guy all in that stereotypical black. Wearing an exceptionally large black hoodie, black skinny jeans and black sneakers. I can never see his face from the shadow. But even before I could talk, he was there, waiting patiently for me to come to his calm darkness. Though each visit would only be for a few minutes at a time. Sometimes it would be days, weeks, or months between visits.

Our last visit was nine months, two weeks, and five days ago!

I am on new medication for my heart which seem to be working for the moment, it likes to stop and give my parents their very own heart attacks. I am on the transplant list for a new heart, but I have been on it for as long as I remember! Currently I am now second in line to get a heart!

While my parents stress, I know I get to see my friend and get some calm and space from the pills, hospital stays and being homeschooled. Being under a microscope when I am in and out of the hospital has been draining.

No boys, parties, friends unless they are from hospital. Sadly I have lost a few over the years as they are teenagers just like me, or would be if they didn’t die before it was their time. They didn’t really get to live.

Ken doesn't talk much. I ask him questions and he answers with images and then I answer the question in return.

I know his favourite colour is dark green, he likes forests, likes pumpkin, hates tomato, enjoys a good coffee (I think - he shrugged but didn't say no), his favourite animal is a puppy, he enjoys my music - he becomes 'lighter' when I sing.

Opening my eyes, I look around for Ken. I have beat him here for once. Sitting I wait, enjoying the quiet. This place is magic, so when I think of my favourite toys, they pop up here as well.

Today I imagine my pens and paper. Before I had gotten halfway through drawing my picture, I can suddenly feel Ken. I look up and see him, I smile. Normally Ken keeps his distance - we have never touched. Even when I have tried, he would vanish and turn up in another spot. I frown, as he comes closer than normal.

'Ken?' I ask confused, standing up. It is my turn to back away for the first time in my life. The new frightens me.

He lifts his hand towards me, palm up, slowly coming towards me. I look at his hand, it looks so soft, just like mine. I want to touch it; I hesitate to put my hand in his. 'Why?" I ask in a small voice.

He stops, he tilts his head to the side, he surprises me by saying, 'Lottie, this time you don't get to go back.'