Juliette might have a gun

It is a cold morning, prone to become warmer and warmer at least at noon because it is spring time. I am waking up in this pretty big and empty apartment in Amsterdam that is supposed to be all mine. It's spring time so the trees along the streets start to bloom with shyness and with no rush as if they have all the time in the world. And I guess they do, but as I look on the window I wonder if do I? Why did I wake up in an empty apartment? I was ready for a new life, I was ready to receive all the blessings that were already mine but I just didn't know it yet. So this is me now, 45 years old-skinny-red-headed- just a few wrinkles- lady, newly inherited of a factory and apartment in Amsterdam, a city I've never been before to. I took this opportunity and saw it as a challenge too and as a chance that I have to give myself in order to see what is there for me to gain. I've always been an optimistic. Another thing I don't have in common with my wife. Yes, so I am married to this amazing woman that most of the times doesn't want to show how amazing she is. We are like ying and yang, like water and fire, like the sun and moon. We have so many differences but still we can't stay one without the other. She is not here now but I am sure she will come or at least I hope so. I guess this is the most important thing to mention now. The biggest thing until now that we couldn't agree on together was the decision to move to Amsterdam. She is still in our apartment in New York, thinking if she wants to make this move with me or not. Is she doing the right thing, for her, for me, for us? Or am I doing the right thing? We just don't know yet but hopefully time will tell us, I wish it will just tell us a bit quicker. The wait is sometimes excruciating and sometimes exciting, which are two super opposite and weird feelings to have. Another antithesis just like me and her. I feel sometimes scared and sometimes simply the bravest person on the Earth. Maybe this is something I do have in common with my wife. Those trees that bloom act like they have all the time in the world but I don't know if I do or if I do have the patience. Maybe that's the key patience.

Right the next moment after I have this little thought, I answer a call and I hear this at the end of the line: "Where is the key?", phrase screamed from the other end of the phone. It was Juliette's voice.

B: "I am happy to hear you too...what key?"

J: "What key do you think? The key to our safety box."

B: "Oh, but you know the password."

J: "Yes, I do, but we need to change it and I need the key too"

B: "Why would we need to change it?"

J: "It's a long story but you need to trust me"

B: "I have time, I would love to hear a long story from you"

J: "I don't know if I even want to tell you"

B: "You don't want to... But I DO need to trust you that you're not going to abandon me here and use everything we have in the safety box...I know you wouldn't...I think... or maybe now I don't know anything for sure anymore.."

J: "Abandon YOU? You are the one that left!"

B: "So you would do that..."

J: "You don't listen to me"

B: "You don't listen to me either"

J: "Yoy drive me crazy... by the way, I think you still have that password for other accounts too... just reset your password!"

B: "Not until you tell me why. What is happening?". The line went deaf and I waited a few more seconds, shocked and emotionally trigged by all these feelings, I missed her, I was scared, I felt alone, I felt unsecure of my recent choices and I almost started to wonder if my past choices were the right ones. So right then I started to do this practice my meditation teacher explained to me in order to find an anchor in the present moment. I started now again to be grateful for what I have and find my hope, my trust, my confidence and believe in the beautiful things that are about to happen to me. Because when you see them happening to you that's the moment when I create my reality and I get pretty soon to live it to. So far it worked amazingly, even better than I thought. Good career, good romantic life, good family life, good health. Everything until now. This change was a bit of a crazy one for all the aspects of my life. So why did I do it?

Next day in the morning I check my text messages and there is no reply to my last text. I don't know what is happening and I don't like to guess. I don't know if to think of the worst case scenario or the stupidest thing in the world. I don't understand when and what happened to us and to our relationship. Was it so fragile that it was broken so much by just a few miles distance? I feel like I can't take another call like the one from last night and I decide to give her what she wanted. After all she is the love of my life and I want her to know that I would do anything for her when she asks me, even though she never asked me to stay with her when I decided to leave. I don't want to think about that because I know we all have our different ways to show our love and I can respect that. Damn, my meditation teacher was good. Too bad nobody and nothing can take away the pain of missing her and the ideal love I was nourishing and caring in me. So I do it. I reset the password and I know she will see right away and I am excited for her reaction. Maybe she will be happy to know now that I want to know her happy, protected, trusted. I sit on my coffee leather couch in my almost empty apartment and I wait for her reaction.

"Thank you for resetting your password.", text message from a new number. I don't know what to reply or if I should call. I will just wait a bit longer.

"No, thank you for resetting my life". Sometimes we just need a reset, a change of direction, a change of intention when they are not the right ones for us anymore. Find the right intention, direction and motivation and you will for sure get there. You just have to see it and it will be there for you.

I think the lesson I should learn now is that usually what seem like the end is always actually only the beginning of a new story.