Journey of a Little Girl

I look at the mountains standing tall behind me for the last time. Somehow, they look different today. They look pretty with the sunlight falling upon their icy cold peaks. But they also look sad. They look betrayed. I would know that feeling anywhere, after everything the feeling of betrayal is fresh in my memories and is running down my cheeks in the form of tears. I wonder if this is how those mountains felt when I said “I wish I could see the seas, the vast blue deep oceans”. I clutch the homemade yak cheese packet in my hand. I had refused to keep it in the luggage. The lady hands me a new pair of mittens. I remember she gave me a new pair of mittens when she first came to our village. I was excited back then but not now. All kinds of emotions are swirling inside my head.

I look behind me to have a glance at my home for the last time. I see my father wrapped in a Cashmere blanket, barely standing to wave me goodbye. I see my brother standing with a little diary I had refused to take earlier.

Guras, Mom wants you to take this with you, My little brother said while holding out a little diary to me.

I simply refused because I didn’t want anything from her. But the teary eyes of my brother changed my mind. I extend my hands to hold that little black book.

I see my friends with whom I used to go hunting yarsagumba.

We will miss hunting yarsagumba with you. They said with a wide smile. Good riddance, I thought.

I hated hunting yarsagumba. There are countless times when I almost died while picking those caterpillar fungi, but mom said they are more expensive than gold. I never understood why a dead-looking caterpillar was more expensive than the mighty yellow-colored shiny gold. After all, yellow was my favorite color, the only color I was familiar with. The only colorful things I saw were the prayer flags around the mountains. I never liked the red flags because they reminded me of a time when I fell during yarsagumba hunting and bled.

Holding my bleeding legs and frostbitten hands, I said “ Mom, I don’t want to hunt yarsagumba”

I still remember my mom’s fierce face.

“ OHH So Our Queen wants to slack off, do you want me to send your ill father to hunt yarsagumba, or do you want me to send your brothers?”

I thought my mom hated me back then and still today. She hates me so much that she is not even willing to say goodbye.

Maybe I was zoning out because the lady holding my hand asked me if I was okay. The lady holding my hand is nice. Unlike my mother, she cares about me. She loves me as if I am her daughter. I wasn’t surprised when I learned that she wants to adopt me. I was also not surprised when my mom showed no objection, but it certainly perished the little love I had left for her.

"How could a mother let go of her child so easily?" I would never be like my mom, I had promised myself.

I smiled and waved goodbye to everyone standing beside me.

“Guras, call us when you reach the capital.” I hear them shouting

“I promise I will” I asserted

Call us when you reach America as well, I can hear their faint voices echoing.

I ignored it.

Yes, I am moving to America, the land of freedom. I can go to school? I had said excitedly when Wanda, the lady who adopted me told me there are lots of schools in America.

You can, and I will get you crayons and watercolors, she said excitedly

After a few hours’ walk, we finally arrived at Syangboche Airport. We will head to Lukla from here and then to Kathmandu; Wanda explained when she saw my confused face. We reached Lukla in less than 10 mins. I was surprised because I remember my father telling us stories about his adventure to Lukla and it took him days to reach Lukla. And within an hour we landed in Kathmandu. I had heard a lot about Kathmandu, but it all sounded like a dream. But here I was standing in the capital of our country. We head to our hotel room. Wanda said our flight to America was tomorrow at 9 am. I wanted to ask her if I could call back home, but I didn’t because I wanted to show that I am happy with her. When we reached the hotel, Wanda handed me a phone to call my village. I take the folded yellow paper from my coat pocket and dial the number carefully.

I can hear them saying “Guras is calling”. I hear excited voices asking me how Kathmandu is. I heard my mom in the background telling my brother to ask me if I had eaten. I said I am tired and hung up. Why was she acting as if she cares about me? I said whilst rolling my eyes.

My eyes suddenly landed on the little diary. I reach out to read it, but Wanda tells me to take a rest as we have an early flight to catch. I close the little black book and try to take a nap. I can slowly feel my eyes getting heavy. I fell asleep and suddenly woke up at 2 am. I see Wanda sleeping beside me. I couldn’t go back to sleep and I decided to have a look at the little black book. I slowly get off the bed and walk towards the balcony.

I turn the first page of the diary and my heart raced as I saw

“To My Dear Guras”.

I flipped the pages, and I read through every word. Those words were lanes of memories. My mom had written everything about me: the day I was born, my first word, the first time I fell and hurt myself, my first eating homemade yak cheese, the first time I got angry and left home to only return at lunchtime. My eyes were filled with tears as I read the notebook. I flipped through the pages so quickly as if I was trying to exit from those memory lanes. I saw blank pages. I flipped a few pages forward and saw the last entry. It was the day before I left my hometown with Wanda.

It said:

“ Guras, I am sorry. I couldn’t give you the life you have always wanted. You wanted to see the deep blue oceans, but I never even had enough courage to look straight at the mountains.

When Wanda said she wanted to adopt you, I cried. How could I ever give a piece of my heart away? But Wanda promised me that she would take good care of you. She said you would be able to go to school and achieve everything you have always wanted. I always wanted the best for you, but I knew you would hate me if I let you go.

Wanda also said she will pay for your father’s treatment. I thought about it all night, I thought about when you made me a mother for the first time, I thought about your dreams, your two little brothers, and your sick father.

The next day when Wanda arrived, I said yes. She handed me a bag. I asked what it was. She said it was Twenty thousand dollars. I cried because to me it seemed like I was trying to exchange my daughter for some money. Wanda cried along with me and hugged me saying “No, Rani. Guras is priceless. This is for the treatment of Guras’s father. We all want Gurans to be happy and now you guys are my family too.”

That’s when I knew she was going to love you more than I ever did.

“Remember I named you Guras after our national flower Rhododendron which grows in the high Himalayas. So no matter where you go, you will always have mountains within you.”..........

I cried as I clutched my mom’s little diary close to my heart. I didn’t realize my crying was getting loud. Wanda probably heard me because I see her standing beside me. She pulled me closer for a hug and cried with me. I asked her why she didn't tell me about the money. She said she didn’t want me to feel like an object. I asked her If I can ever come back to my village. She smiled widely and said, “ We will visit your village every summer.” I called my mom and said, “ I will write about my days in America in this little black notebook for you to read next time we see each other.”

We head towards the airport. After waving goodbye to my homeland, I see a deep blue sea beneath me.

The deep blue sea that I always wanted to see.

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