Jesus Creates the First Deviled Ham

Do you love Deviled Ham? I rarely have it, but I like it. By today's standards, "Deviled" just means to make spicy. Usually with Cayenne, Hot Peppers or Mustard, things of that nature. You can "Devil up" all kinds of foods, such as Eggs, Chicken, and even Turkey.

Mmmmmm Deviled Ham... Yummy

But is that what it meant 2000 years ago when Jesus created the first Deviled Ham? What? You didn't know Jesus created the first Devil Ham? What do they teach you in Bible school these days?

It happened in Matthew 8:28-34, Mark 5:1-17, and Luke 8:26-37

See Jesus and the fellas had traveled into the country of Gaderenes and was met by a man possessed by a whole buncha demons. I mean a lot of demons. Not just one or two (or seven like Mary Magdelene had in Mark 16:9). In fact, there were so many Demons that Matthew thought it was two men who were possessed, but the other two Gospels think it was just one guy (so maybe whoever wrote the book of Matthew was high).

So anyway this guy (or two guys) was really fucking possessed. He lived in the tombs and was constantly screaming and gnashing himself with rocks and I guess having that many demons inside you gives you some kind of super-strength because the dude could break chains and could not be bound.

Anyway, the guy(or guys) sees Jesus and runs up to him saying, "What business do we have with each other, Jesus, Son of the Most High God? I implore You by God, do not torment me!" And Jesus said, "What is your name?" To which the man replied, "My name is Legion, for we are many." and then the demons inside the man implored Jesus not to send them out of the country.

I don't know why... maybe Gaderenes was really nice that time of year for Demons. Quite the vacation hotspot!

I guess Jesus, big softie that he is decided to let them come out of the man and to go into a herd of swine that was nearby (See, Jesus is one hell of a guy even to demons). Jesus must not have thought it out too well though, for once the demons were in the swine they went bat shit crazy. 2000 demon-possessed pigs then ran off a cliff and drowned in the sea.

Probably a good thing they killed themselves... demon pigs are probably scary as fuck!

So then the herdsman seeing this ran away and told everyone in the city and country what had happened and how this holy man Jesus had created the very first Deviled Ham. No one got to taste that deviled ham though, and that's probably a good thing.

Of course, before going and telling everyone all over the countryside about this crazy cool miracle, someone probably went and told the owner of the pigs. I'm assuming someone owned the pigs, because why else would you have herdsmen watching them?

So, although it's not in the bible I am pretty sure we know what the owner of the pigs probably said. He probably sat down, cried a little while and, then looked up knowing his lively hood had been all but destroyed (He probably was not carrying pig insurance). He probably thought about the other times this Jesus guy had cast out demons without sending them into other animals. He probably said, "Damn it Jesus!"

I don't know what pig meat went for back then... but today. Pig meat sells for between $2-$4 a pound with an average of $3.50. The average weight at slaughter is 265lbs. By today's standards, Jesus cost this guy $1,855,000. Over a million dollars.

And that's the story of how Jesus created the first Deviled Ham and ruined a pig farmer's life.

The End?

Until the pigs crawl out of the sea for the sequel... Demon Pigs From Hell Part II

Could this be actual evidence the pig demons were real?