Jessica.

I once had a friend who was obsessed with chocolate. It didn’t start out as a problem at first, but it slowly turned into one over time.

Her other friends and I couldn't see it as such, but there were moments within it all where it really interfered with our friendship and her life in general. It even got so bad that I’m currently writing this story.

Her name was Jessica and she was a fairly attractive person, and even at her worst she could charm the socks off of just about anyone. It was truthfully terrible and unfortunate that addiction held her the way it did. A part of me believes she could have overcome it but I wasn't in her shoes.

We had a couple interventions for her, and our friend group liked to believe that we could turn her life around for the better. But it was all too much and it had such a strong grip on her decisions. Most of us had disbanded by the time it got really bad, and there was just a group chat as far as I was concerned.

I remember it started extremely small, and they would use it as a coping mechanism for their extremely stressful job. A snickers break instead of a cigarette break.

She started buying whole chocolate cakes, and it was still not too concerning at first. Especially when she was so open to sharing. But this didn’t last for too long, for after a while she would hoard 2 to 3 cakes to herself and when one of our mutual friends found out, we all grew very alarmed.

What really sucked so much about all of this, was that she was such a sweet person throughout it all. It was a coping mechanism, from my perspective as a student of psychology; it had gotten out of control. She would get so aggressive about it at times and then immediately apologize because she felt like it wasn’t who she was. But I also think it’s safe to say that chocolate changed her and her life for the worst.

There was a time when we thought she was doing better, when really she just got better at hiding it from us. If she had gained more weight, it probably wouldn’t have gotten as far as it did. But she enjoyed a good exercise and could maintain her weight, which made it look manageable from the outside. However, her mini heart attacks were not something she could hide; the tension headaches and fatigue.

She had grown quite irritable and restless, and it was painful to watch. I would ask about her general well-being here and there, and she would vehemently lie about what she’d been consuming, but I could tell it was all she was eating. I encouraged her to drink more water and to eat other foods, but she would not have it.

Her boyfriend had left the picture after a while into the mess of it all, and that really just pushed her further into the spiral. I truly didn't see it ending how it did, but it makes sense. Even her job was considering dropping her, because she kept getting so sick and they didn't know what to do.

I can't emphasize how painful it was for me to watch; of course I did try to help, but it sucked feeling like there was nothing I could do effectively. And what hurt even more so is that I witnessed people place blame on her and make her out to be this willingly foolish individual, and I couldn’t imagine someone wanting to go through the pain that she did.

Her last few weeks didn't seem like the end, but looking back it makes so much sense. She looked so unhealthy and could barely hold a conversation with anyone. I was the only one who stuck around until the very end, and it broke my heart seeing her in so much pain.

I remember she wanted me to get her parents to come in, and I didn’t actually think she was going to die, so I refused. She made one of the nurses call, and it was such a painfully awkward conversation, the way they maneuvered out of not seeing their sickly daughter.

When she finally went, I knew she was no longer suffering and no longer shackled to this disease. Her parents couldn’t be bothered to spend a few moments together with their sickly daughter, and being on the phone with them both before and after her passing were extremely trying moments.

Anyways.

If I can say anything else, I am going to urge you to hold your loved ones close. At least once a day. Cherish every moment you have, both alone and with other humans. Because time is fleeting, and eventually everyone you love will die. Including yourself.

But don’t worry. She was peaceful as she went. I now understand death to be such a liberating moment in time. When you know someone could die, whether you believe they will or not, it’s like a relief when they actually do.

Peace and blessings to those silly enough to get so attached to the things and beings of this realm. I wish you the best.