Jason Provencio, Unmotivational Speaker

I wanted to give being a professional writer my best effort. I put my heart, sweat, blood, and tears into this, but it’s time for my writing to take the back burner for now. I decided I’m going to be an unmotivational speaker.

Unmotivational speaker? Yes. There’s no way I could do what that giant freak of a man Tony Robbins does. My hands aren’t as big as his. I don’t have banana-length fingers. I can’t palm a globe like he can. I’d never have the energy to lie to and motivate a sold-out room full of people.

There is far too much competition among motivational speakers. There are people who have won Nobel Prizes. Past politicians and even presidents of the United States of America. I can’t compete with that.

What does my resume even look like compared to these greats? Seller of real estate for almost 20 years. 2 1/2 years of college, with a degree in “Trying My Best Until Things Get Difficult.” 41-time Medium Top Writer. Ok, that last one is pretty fuckin’ cool.

“Unmotivational Speaker” has a nicer ring to it. The motivational stage of my life is over. That ship has sailed, run out of fuel, smashed into an iceberg, and sunk. Being an unmotivational speaker is going to be so much better.

The first thing I’ll need to do is come up with a great business name. Ok, let’s see. “Bottom-of-the-Barrel Speeches.” Not bad. “If-I-Have-Nothing Better-To-Do Consulting.” Hmmm. “If -You-Sorta-Want-Results Unmotivational Speaking.” Well, it’s a start.

I suppose I should come up with a business plan. How am I going to stand out amongst other Unmotivational Speakers? Wait, really? There aren’t any other ones?

I don’t get it. This business has so much potential. Think about the type of people who go see the big hitters like Tony Robbins, Dave Ramsey, or Robert Kiyosaki. I’m certain that they are hard workers with big dreams.

The types that will work their asses off pushing those dumb multi-level marketing pyramid schemes. The ones that none of their friends or family are even remotely interested in sitting through a meeting about. They’ll push coaching, vitamins, fat-burning gummies, and a myriad of other useless products that don’t actually work.

I can’t sit there in a seminar and tout a motivational lifestyle. What, am I going to pull up in my dented 2007 Dodge Ram with Creedence blaring from the stereo and run in, high-fiving everyone? Please. I can barely stand the mouth-breathers at my grocery store for more than 15 minutes.

Trying to motivate 100 or 200 people in a room will never be likely. However, perhaps I can work the attendees over a bit. After all, most of us just want validation, right? I can excel in that capacity.

“Good morning, Everyone! Well, early afternoon, anyway. Thank you for your patience. I know I’m a bit late. I’m not much of a morning person. Raise your hands if you have to warm up a bit in the morning each day, like I do.”

*A few reluctantly raise one hand each.

“Well, there we go. I can tell I’m going to enjoy unmotivating many of you. I love how when I said, ‘Raise your hands’, you each only raised one hand apiece instead of both of them, as I requested. Way to half-ass this thing, already.”

*Quiet nervous laughter breaks the serene, unenergetic venue. This is when I kick it up a notch.

I continue: “Now many of you came here today to be motivated. You probably figured my program titled “Unmotivational Speeches For Dummies” was just some sort of clever play on words to pique your curiosity. WRONG, DUMMIES!”

There was a slightly audible gasp in the crowd. I laugh it off though and assure them of our mission statement.

“I want you to repeat after me. I AM GOOD ENOUGH.”

“I am good enough…” they repeat like below-average intelligence robots. Some sound as though they have an Atari 2600 CPU-sized brain. I get it. Life can sure beat you down. I tell them I understand this fact and reassure them that everything is going to be all right.

I look at them sternly before I deliver this next part. “ALL through life, you’ve had people tell you to work harder. Study harder. Put in more hours than the competition. If you’re not first, you’re last.”

A nerdy middle-aged fella in the first row interrupts, “Um, that last part is a quote by Ricky Bobby in Talladega Nights.”

“Yeah? So? I can’t use movie quotes in my demotivational speaking engagements?” I ask him.

“Well, I mean, there could be copywrite issues. He literally gives a warning in the movie that it’s trademarked by Ricky Bobby Inc.”

I sigh and roll my eyes. “It’s a MOVIE. What, is Ricky Bobby going to show up and demand a cut of these less-than-stellar ticket sales? Yeah, didn’t think so. May I continue, Sheldon?”

He looks too nervous to correct me about his name and just nods his head. I proceed.

“As I was saying, all through life, we’ve had people pushing us to do more. To work harder, to achieve as much as possible, to make big bank, and buy a big house. We need fancy cars, toys, and vacations in order to land a trophy wife. I say that’s nonsense.”

The audience nods and starts mumbling in agreement with me. I think I’m starting to get through to them. It’s time to set this hook and reel these suckers in. I close my eyes, look down and shake my head.

I continue. “Enough. You’ve worked hard to get this far in life. Put it on cruise control. Downshift a little and enjoy the ride. You don’t want to push yourself so hard that you’re gasping like a fish on the dock while having a heart attack from stress.”

“It’s time to relax a bit about your place on this planet. We’re all just hurtling through space, on a giant, spinning rock. Stop pushing so hard for all these extra things that society has convinced you are so necessary in order to be happy.”

“Sell your house high where you live now and move to the Deep South. You’ll be able to afford a mansion there in the sticks while the other residents are living in their shanties. You will be at least three times as smart as most of the local town folk, with twice as many teeth.”

My tour manager interrupts, “Uh, Jase. We’re in Gulfport Mississippi.”

Oh, Christ. Ok, time to salvage this one and make another point here:

“HAHA! Thank you, Jimmy. Those vodkas on the plane were stronger than I thought. So folks, that was just a little joke. Mostly. But it does bring me to my next point in our unmotivational speech, today. Start drinking.”

Another startled gasp and whispering from the crowd. “Did he just say?”

“Yes, I did. Start drinking. If booze isn’t your thing, try light beer. White Claws. Something to take the damn edge off of the daily hell we call living. Remember, the point is to dial it down a bit and enjoy life.”

“Remember, you sold high in your old city and moved somewhere cheaper. Perhaps you now own your new home outright, so you can afford to work fewer hours and start day drinking. Take a little remote customer service job from home. The people needing tech support won’t be able to tell you’re operating with a little buzz on.”

“If you aren’t a homeowner, try housesitting for a bit. Tell your clients you’ll at least watch the couch for them if they aren’t going out of town. Without a mortgage payment or rent, the pressure to excel at a full-time job is reduced substantially.”

The crowd looks pretty confused at this point. I better go in another direction here.

“Ok, new subject: How many people are looking for help with relationships? Oh, ok. That many, huh? Groovy. If it’s been difficult to find ‘The One’, I have some advice for you: Lower your standards.”

“Fellas, if you’ve been waiting for a 9 or a 10, settle for a 7 who works a lot. Or a 5 who is employed, funny, and can cook. Hell, grab yourself two 3s and call it good. Then you’ll really never be lonely again.”

Uh oh. The murmuring is getting louder. I better target the ladies next.

“Ladies, you also deserve a better relationship. If you’ve grown tired of your man, fuck his best friend. That whole ‘Bros Before Hos’ thing is bullshit. Guarantee if you show up naked under a trench coat at his front door, he’s going to forget he has a best friend.”

“Find out if his BFF has a bigger package than your man or a more talented tongue. Then choose which scenario is best for you. Consider these other following topics before proceeding:”

“Find out about your potential suitors’ financial situations, the number of ungrateful, whiny kids each have, and both suitors’ levels of social activeness. These are all valid concerns when attempting to leverage yourself into an unmotivated, easier-going life.”

Crickets. Not a sound from the audience. Shit, better turn on the charm now.

“And all of you lovely people, fight the urge to engage in any self-improvement during this transitional time. Many people bust their asses at the gym when they’re newly single or looking to engage in infidelity. To hell with all that. You all look SEXY. You’re perfect the way you are. In fact, I think I’m getting a quarter-chub.”

Finally, some nodding and smiles from the audience. That’s better. I think I’ll double down on that.

“In fact, don’t worry about eating right. Food is comfort. The right person will know this and likely join you in your new standard of unhealthy eating. Think of all the quality time you’ll spend eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed together.”

“Sounds pretty romantic, am I right? Netflix, bed-picnic, and CHILL. Stop shaving your legs, don’t shower every day, and get back to a simpler, more basic form of living. Your caveman ancestors had the right idea.”

The crowd erupts and goes wild. They pick me up and crowd-surf me to the back of the venue before pushing me back to the stage. Damn, that was pretty handsy. I think I might have accidentally had my colon checked.

Time to wrap this bitch up and put it under the Christmas tree.

“Ok, y’all. That was fun. It’s been a hell of a day. Go home and rest. Don’t head back to work. Don’t go do Crossfit at your local gym. Take a load off. Get some treats, buy some weed, or steal it out of your kids’ sock drawer.”

“Life is short. Enjoy the small things, laugh often, and live in the now. The past is gone, and the future is coming regardless of the things you do. Enjoy the moments you’re living with the ones you care about TODAY.”

*Mic Drop. Jason the Unmotivational Speaker, for the win. $845 payday after expenses, secured. Not bad for a couple of hours of work. It still pays more than Medium does. &:^)