It's a Dog's Life

I wake up and I stretch. My family give me breakfast. I wiggle my bottom, I'm so happy and impatient, and then I gobble it down. I am a greedy pup.

After that, they tell me I must have my teeth cleaned. I don't like that. I wiggle again but it's no good. They're bigger than me. Stronger. I growl, and she says, "Oh, Ralph, don't be silly." I show my teeth, grrrrr. This is a bad move, because she swoops on me with the brush and scrub scrub scrub.

When she thinks my teeth are clean enough, she lets me go and I sprint away. She sighs.

"I think we better go to the park," she says. "Burn off some of that energy."

I hear, "park" and that's it, my ear perk up and I wag some more. I get a real case of the zoomies and do laps of the lounge. "Enough!" she says. "No running on my sofa, you little terror. Come on, I'm taking you out before you completely wreck the place."

I am practically bouncing at the door. She's trying to get me ready to go, wrestling to get the harness on me and attach the lead. I lick her face and she goes "eurghhh!" I whine, impatient, and wiggle some more. She mutters, "for goodness sake!" I do my Big Eyes, and she heaves a sigh. "Look, Ralph, I know you're excited. And I know you don't like the harness..." She's being Reasonable. I hate that. "But it's only when we're by the road, OK?"

She walks so slowly, I think we might never get there. She marches along, and makes me march beside her, all steady and dull. "There's traffic, Ralph, for goodness sake, you can't just go zipping off. You know better than that. Now: walk nicely, or we're going home. I mean it!"

I droop a little. My tail droops, too, I'm sure it does. I can feel it.

We get there at last, and she takes the harness off me. I start scrabbling at her bag. I want my ball. "Ralph!" she says, her things spilling out onto the ground. "No! Good grief, what's got into you today? Oh.... I didn't bring the ball today, Ralph. Sorry."

I cannot believe this. No ball! That's my favourite thing ever, and she forgot?!

"Just go and play, will you?" She waves me away. "Run off some of that energy, go on."

I'm free!

I see another dog, and I make a beeline for it. I LOVE other dogs. I am friendly.

"Ralph!" she barks at me, in That Voice. I pause, and look back. "You do not go running up to dogs like that," she wags a finger at me, lecturing. "I know you're friendly, Ralph," her voice softens a little, "but what if they aren't? You have to be sensible."

Silly woman. I don't want to be sensible.

We never stay long enough at the park. All too soon, it's time to go home. Maybe I'll get a biscuit when we get back. Maybe I'll lie on the sofa. She comes at me with the harness and lead again, and I dodge away. I hate that thing.

"Ralph..." she says, a warning note in her voice. Exasperated, she snaps, "If you'd just hold my hand on the road we wouldn't need to use this thing!" I look at her, blank. What does she mean, hold her hand? How can a dog hold hands?

"Oh, don't you look at me like that, young man!" she says. "You act like a boy when it suits you. Running around in the play area back there. You know dogs aren't allowed in there? Only boys and girls. So if you're really a dog, I should have stopped you, shouldn't I? You wouldn't have been able to use the slide, or the swings. You were running on two legs as well. I saw you."

Stupid woman.

I pant, wiggle and try a little bark.

"Ralph, I mean it. Stop it now. Enough of this silliness. You start school on Monday, and I need to know you're not going to be barking at the teachers."

"Woof!" I tell her.

She just sighs.

I let her clip the lead on me, and off we go.

On the road, I reach up for her hand. She smiles.

Anyway, a boy who can turn into a dog is even better, because then I get to have a go on the Nintendo.

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Edit to add author's note:

This was supposed to be an entry in the Unreliable challenge, but maybe I made a mistake when I submitted it. I'm very careful about this, since I've done that before, so I don't know how this happened.

Small kids have crazy imaginations and can "be" something they're not, like a kind of immersive fiction. It's one way they channel that all that amazing creativity, and process how they fit into the world. It's not usually a bad thing or cause for alarm. They almost always grow out of it.

Thank you for reading!