It only takes a minute…

It only takes a minute

I can laugh about it now, but at the time I felt like I’d been punched in the throat. Of course I hadn’t actually been punched in the throat, God forbid. However I’d honestly have preferred a physical blow over the intense hurt and anger I felt. I mean didn’t you see me there? I was waving frantically… I just wanted to say bye. You know how these things go, don’t you? We weren’t likely to stay in touch. So Goodbye REALLY mattered.

I was being unreasonable of course. I’m always so unreasonable, entitled even. Imagine wanting 2 minutes of your time! Yes what a horrible person I am! ( I am or I was? I never thought I was …)

How dare I expect my feelings to be considered. Particularly as I was in no position to ask for anything really, you were doing me a favour weren’t you? Just indulging me for your amusement . I could see it anyway. I knew! I understood! I always understood. I know you liked to think I was as dense as the mud you ended up in… funny that. You talked down to me like I was a stupid child.

But I got it! I kept trying to tell you I understood, but there was just one little thing I would not be able to handle very well, at all in fact. Not then.

I know, I know if I just did my own healing work then of course I could handle it, and now I can brush it all off with a smile. Am I fully healed? I’ve no idea. I know that I feel better and that I have changed, I found out how - and it’s a work in progress. Given what happened how can I possibly feel better? I just know that I do.

But anyway, that day…on that day, look I knew I needed to change but right then I had no idea how. None. I desperately wanted a way out of the way I was feeling that’s for sure.

I 100% agreed with you. It was crazy to feel the way I did. It drove my weird behaviour, made it seem as if I didn’t care about what really mattered. I would go so far as to say I hated the way I felt about you. My aim had always been to change it….but I couldn’t just do it straight away. I thought I had time. I needed to change my mindset, and I know you thought I wasn’t but I was trying my hardest.

Anyway what happened that night was - mean. There are a million more words I could use but mean is perfect. It was avoidable. I know you weren’t even thinking about me and that was the problem. Crazy or not, I did not need to be around for what happened next. The sights and sounds made me feel sick for weeks. I’d say you forgot your manners. Really forgot them. I didn’t like that.

I’m sorry, really sorry of course that you are dead. Clearly that wasn’t meant to happen. Neither of us noticed the tree stump buried near your feet.My hurt feelings… well they made me overreact a little I suppose. I fully admit I acted impulsively, recklessly even. I wasn’t my true self in that moment. But nothing about this felt true_

A jab of the elbow, it wasn’t even a shove, then the sound of a ripe watermelon wetly bursting on the road. Only it wasn’t a fruit.

I’m only a wee thing but somehow I got you to your feet, (not that you were standing by yourself I managed to take all your weight) oh hell, I wasn’t going to look too closely at that head injury.

I sat you up in the car and put the seatbelt on. God, you were heavy but I managed! Hospital? Hmm I don’t reckon there was much they could do. It was a stupid accident but had my husband and kids to think of. I couldn’t have a dead thoughtless fool on my hands.

I rolled you up in the picnic rug… you know the one; the red plaid. Darn, I did like that rug! I rolled you up in it then down the hill above that deep, putrid claggy swamp.

No one knew I was there. No one thought you were there, because really you shouldn’t have been!

Your “suitable” friend, the one you ignored me for, the police had many questions for them. So many people had seen you together. But of course they were cleared. I was actually very lucky there was no CCTV or any kind of camera footage. I had my thickest gloves on and it was they who touched you, not me (apart from my elbow but there’s no such thing as an elbow print I’m happy to say.) The mystery was never solved. You have been added to the ever growing missing persons register.

It only takes a minute to ruin the best laid friendships.

Or something worse…