Irresistible Feelings

I don't understand myself. He is almost not into me anymore, but I'm still thinking of him, checking his online status, time, and updates on WhatsApp. Too disappointing.

I understand that we created many good memories. I love the first soft kiss on the street, I love the way he hugs me from behind, I miss his kisses on my face, my neck, my shoulder, and my back...

I love the romance when we were on the surface of the sea, waiting for the boat to come back. I love the way he held me on the surface and kissed me secretly when I was not paying attention. I love the moment when we were at the bottom of the sea, took off our regulators, and had a French kiss for around 3-4 seconds...

I love the moment when we were staying together, I could hold him around the neck, touch our foreheads, noses, and faces together. I can even remember the first time we met outside, it was like our first date, I was waiting for a long time, while it began to rain. Then I hid under a small tree, watching him drive towards me. Nothing was important anymore. I just wanted to hold him tightly and put my face on his shoulder. I was impulsive and full of desire for him. Though we did nothing but a kiss before I left...

At that time, I felt my boyfriend was a barrier for us. We like each other so passionately, strongly, and we really wanted to finish everything if I was alone...

However, unfortunately, I'm not the one who could save him. He just needs a girl who would like to take every step he desires. I'm not special, not important, not unique for him at all. All he said in the past were only customary statements that could apply to anyone.

I'm still checking his status. I was suggested by GPT that I should not do this all the time and have to forget him for a period of time. However, I would meet him every week, 3 times per month at least. Also, I'm not a good baby who likes to follow the rules. When I was checking again, I suddenly felt that I had just missed him and wanted to be together with him. I want to treat my feelings softly, gently, as always, during this accident. Because when I found he was online, I was still happy, felt lucky, and was nervous about receiving any message from him that would touch my heartstrings. But then, I dropped my phone, watching the screen getting dark and shutting down automatically. I kept on telling myself that he's not there for me. He has a lot of girls in his phone. I just happened to be the one who responded positively, then I had my drama with him, the Casanova. Now I've already experienced almost the whole process with a huge cost to my lover, it's time to stop and leave. I don't even want to be a friend of his. Because I could see that he's pitiful but deserves it. It's himself who put him into such a sorrowful way and sad lifestyle, and he still enjoyed it in a way. Because if he really wants to change, with my sincere help, he could change. Also, he won't treat me, a girl who likes him so much, like this, which is falling in love with my colleague at first sight and kept asking me about her situation, whether she needs his phone number. I feel like I'm such a loser, I have no idea, I can't let go...

The good thing made me better is that I talked with my colleague about the process; she wasn't angry, nor did she justify me at all, our friendship was not affected, luckily.

Till now, I don't know how I should place my feelings. It seems like I'm back to the previous model, hiding behind the screen and like somebody secretly, unable to extricate myself. When I immediately escaped from WhatsApp when he was online, I still feel angina.

The luckiest thing is, I still have my lover, he loves me deeply. I feel deeply sorry for what I've done to him. I never intended to do that, I just can't control my feelings, needs, demands, and desires... I'm really worried that a similar thing might happen again in the future. I have no confidence in myself at all. That's a terrible thing.

Today is my birthday, and I have received tremendous love from my lover the whole day. I was imagining if he goes with me, we may dance, we may play billiards together. That might be good. But it's even better if he doesn't. I hope this could be the end of this story, no more. No more again.