Inauguration Day

Not yet? Wait for it? Next year? And even an extra day, too, in February.

Who can wait? No one to swear in on this January 20?

There's an empty slot! Else, the status quo continues, now in a vacuum. It begs for the solemnity of an oath, somewhere... if not in my own patriotic mind.

So thought Malcolm.

It is up to me, he decided. How can I not?

He rose to the podium in his mind and prepared to deliver his inauguration speech. He waited politely for the civilized convolutions of his brain to swear him in. A hush spread over the massive crowd of hopes and desires who had braved the jingoistic weather of uncertainty this harsh day.

"Do you, Malcolm Bannister," began the executive decisions in his frontal lobes, "solemnly swear..."

"I, Malcolm Mannister, probably swoon..."

"...to iterate, reiterate, and mitigate..."

"...to abrogate, repudiate, and instigate..."

"...the duties and obligations that come with the office of the Resident..."

"...the booties and odd impatience that come from the orifice of Reticence..."

"...of the United States..."

"...of the Untied States..."

"....so help you God?"

"...so help me God!"

Thunderous applause arose from the shifting mob of atheists, agnostics, apologists, Republicans, Rubicons, Democrats, and Hemostats.

"I come before Extremists, as your newly erected fricative repre'tentative and pledge the following:

"To Atheists I pledge that Nothing will stand in my way. To the Agnostics I pledge uncertainty, whether Schrödinger's cat-in-the-hat be alive or dead, mewing or blueing, jackass or big fat elephant in the room.

"To Apologists I pledge remorse, a sorry attitude. But I love you, and that means never having to say it. Sorry about that.

"To Republicans I pledge that each baby will have a vote, but each covicted felon will not have a checking account. To Rubicons I pledge to cross that bridge when I come to it — Hail Caesar! To Democrats I pledge to make sure the babies are only those who are wanted and that conflicted melons want not for lactating bulbosity.

"To Hemostats I pledge to stop the bloodletting, the Blood Bath & Beyond. The fuck stops here.

"So, help me, God!"