In-humanity

(tw; abuse)

Some kids have the type of parents that wake them up with a gentle shove or a soft shout of the name. I woke this morning to the sensation of completely getting drenched in warm water that my mom dumped on me out of a pot. I'm exhilarated that she is not crazy enough to boil the water.., I think. Nevertheless, it not being boiled hadn't stopped me from screaming as if it was. "AAHHH!" I screeched as some water got in my mouth. The first time she did this, I legitimately thought I was drowning in a pool of fire. And no matter how many times she had done this, there was no way that I could ever get used to her doing this.

I found myself falling on the ground, stuck in-between my dresser and my bed. When I realized what was happening, I rapidly started to crawl backward until my back was against the wall, with my terrified eyes meeting the eyes of a woman who loved torturing me for next to no reason. My mom tossed the pot on me, with me catching it before it hit me in my face. "Take the fucking trash out!" She shouted. "Don't make me come back up here." There's talk of black parents being on the abusive side when it comes to their punishment, even just for laying a finger on them. I feel as if it's only talked about among the white community when they speak on our parenting. Most of us don't think much of it because we usually come out of our childhoods strong. But, how I got beat was a different story. You hear of black parents beating their children with belts, sandals, power cords, extension cords. My parents have never believed in using weapons. My father once told me 'to be a strong black female, I have to endure every hit that life gives me' with mom being life.

I waited until I was sure that she had gone completely downstairs, which I can tell because I know how many steps there are leading up to the attic and every single one made a squeak when stepped on before I made it upon myself to get up. She used to just wake me up and throw me down the stairs, but I think she's either got too old for that stuff, or I started to get too heavy for her to pick up with a single hand. This was a considerably better way to start my day.

My father never really did much of the parenting himself, he was always too busy being busy or tired to look at me. Whenever we have our talks, I find them to be neat and insightful. He's an educated man, very sharp. Though, somehow, my mom has always had this type of control over him that I can't understand. At times, it seems as if he wants to speak up for me or just defend me.., she just gives him this look, and his ears lower.

I hugged the pot as I tried to get up without slipping and busting my head open on the wooden floorboards, using my bed as leverage. I take deep breaths as I try my best to calm myself down. You're not bleeding, you're breathing, you're alive. You're not bleeding, you're breathing, you're alive. Living like this isn't normal, that I'm aware of. Whenever I feel myself start to get anxious like I am right now. I have to tell myself the same three things in my head and repeat them to keep sane. You're not bleeding, you're breathing, you're alive. If any of those things change, then I'm not 'okay'.

I had to keep repeating that to myself until I made it to the kitchen safely, my mom probably in her bed. I looked at the clock on the oven to see it was "11: 47 pm" which meant that I couldn't have been asleep for more than a couple of hours.

I rinsed the pot out before putting it along with the rest of the dishes that were in the strainer next to the sink. I went to the overflowing garbage can, the exact one that I must've taken out right before I went to bed. I just sighed because this was pretty typical of her to do. I learned it the hard way that I would have to take the brunt of it whenever they got into their heated fights. I'm not saying that's the reason she went outside to grab the garbage that I took out when I cleaned the entire house earlier, but that's the reason she went outside to grab the garbage that I took out when I cleaned the entire house earlier. I mean, there is a very slim chance of her doing this just for the heck of it.

I had to get a new bag because she cut the top of the trash bag open to make it seem as if it wasn't one I had already taken out. I mean, if I didn't know for a fact that my dad ate Chinese food and that garbage bags don't come with both strings attached to one side, then I probably wouldn't have noticed.

As I was bringing out the trash to the bins that were set on the curb since the garbage people come in the morning, my neighbor, Molly, had walked up to me as I was in the middle of my class. "Dang, girl. What happened to you?" She asked, probably physically unable to walk past me without asking that question. Not because she cared but out of curiosity. I never really tell her much, but it did seem like she is one of the only people in my life that seem to care about me enough to wonder why I was soaking wet.

I tossed the garbage in the bin while replying, "eh, I forgot to take the trash out before I went to bed. And this was my rude awakening." I said it with a smile on my face. There are points in life where I just feel exhausted pretending that I'm fine. I used to always tell myself that things could always be worse. And even though things have continually gotten worse for me doesn't exactly mean that things are getting better for me either. It feels as if I am stuck in a loop at times, wondering if there's a way out. I know one way out for certain, however, I don't think I'm fucked up enough to go that route. "It was warm water, so at least I'm not out here freezing."

Molly smacked her lips as she shook her head before walking away and continuing about her day. Or, night, I suppose. With it being mid-Spring Break in Arizona, the normal kids were outside playing manhunt. While their older siblings are nowhere to be found. If I stayed out here for much longer, I'd probably get locked out. I don't get locked out often, but when I do, I have to climb to my room window. She'd rather have me sleep outside. Doing so, however, can get me into more trouble.

I walked back inside, putting another bag in the garbage can before dragging my feet back up the stairs, curious if I was actually going to be able to get some sleep tonight. I often think about my parents when I lay down in bed. I don't hear them during the night due to them never sleeping in the same bed together. My mom slept in her room with her bed and central heating. My father, on the other hand, slept in the basement. He told me that there were times that he couldn't even stay in the same building as her. But she got him to agree to opt-out for the basement. He won't tell me how and I'm not sure if I even want to know, I just know that for whatever reason, my dad isn't a free man.

Spring Break was about to end at the end of the week. Most places only get a week off but due to budget restraints, our district gets two. I couldn't say that I liked school but it's better than playing Rapunzel. Only, I'm not pretty. This is why I can't wait to graduate this year. I plan on moving to a place where the name 'Arizona' would never show up. Unfortunately, I had the pleasure of finding out that there's this soda-pop with the same name. Made by some people who probably have never been here. And it's not like I don't love my parents. I do, but there is something severely wrong with both of them. At least I didn't wake up extraordinarily this morning. I did wake up in a pool of my sweat but it's better than a pot of water.

After my morning shower, I went to look for my parents to find neither of them. It's weird because it's on rare occasions that dad leaves the house. I never care about them leaving or where they go since they barely acknowledge my existence unless it's for some absurd reason. Whenever they're not here, I never really know what to do because they're usually the ones who planned out my entire day until they returned. However, I do know all the things I'm not supposed to do. Such as; don't leave the property, don't go in her room, absolutely no TV, stay out of the kitchen, don't be outside for more than thirty minutes at a time, no listening to music downstairs and I can't listen to my radio upstairs because it doesn't work since she completely obliterated it when I was seven. I can read, however. So there is a bright side to living here.., I just wished she cared enough to actually get me books. And the only reason I'm allowed to do that much is due to mandatory book reports.

I put on my house shoes that were on the shoe rack next to the door before going outside to put the trash bin's back on the side of the house since I knew that there was going to be hell to pay if I didn't. When I opened my door, I noticed Molly was sitting on my porch. Well, the second stoop leading up to my porch, but still. She was basically at my front door for however long, just to sit and be on her phone. I wanted to walk past her as if she wasn't there. I couldn't ignore and walk past her as if this wasn't just a little bit weird.

"Morning," I say with a smile on my face. She scooted a little to make way for me and I stood there stumped for a few seconds. Then she patted the spot right next to her, still not making eye contact with me. That's when I understood that she wanted me to sit next to her, I took a seat not really knowing what to do or say. I wouldn't say that Molly hates me, even though she hardly knows me. We've known each other all of our lives, the most interaction that we had was when I saw me last night. "You, eh.., you sit here often?"

She spent a few more seconds on her phone, probably finishing up a text or something before she turned her attention to me. I hadn't noticed before but she has very pretty green emerald eyes that went perfectly with her charismatic nonchalant attitude that she usually seems to have. "Yeah, you always come out here at weird times so I usually never catch you."

I chuckle a little, not too sure whether she was serious or not. If not, then I'm confused as to why she'd have the patience to wait for me. I hardly even know her. "How long have you been sitting here?" I asked.

"Way longer than I'm willing to admit. Seeing you take out the trash last night made me realize that the garbage people came in the morning, so I thought I'd catch you on your way out. I also didn't know that'd you wake up so late today, I thought I had that part down."

"Out of curiosity, why? I mean, you know that you could talk to me any time, like you did last night, instead of waiting out here for me to come out."

Her eyes traveled from mines with her head turning towards the street. She was silent for a few seconds before saying, "it really is a beautiful day today. It's supposed to be over doubles, so I'd like to find a way to be able to cool off."

Even though she completely ignored my question, I didn't further push it since I didn't want to exactly embarrass her. Which was probably too late since I noticed that her cheeks were a little red. But that could have also been due to the heat. "That'd be nice. It is already getting warmer and it's not even ten yet. I have to stay in my house all day and there's quite literally nothing I can do to cool myself down, so I'm most definitely looking forward to that."

"How come you have to stay in the house?" She asked as she shifted her body toward my direction, hugging her knee while resting her chin on it.

I started to feel weird a little as she was starting to show way too much interest in me. I can't say that I have a problem with her doing so, it just felt different since I have never had anybody's attention like this before. "Strict parents. Well, my mom is very strict. My dad, on the other hand, is kind of a simple person."

"That sucks. I wanted to see if you wanted to come with me but I don't want you to get in trouble." It seemed like she was pouting for a second before she leaned back so her back was against the railing. "Do you want to come over for a bit? I have some games that we can play. My parents are gone for a while so it gets lonely from time to time."

Our conversations usually never last more than a sentence and now she wants me to come over to play games with her. I didn't exactly get what her reclaimed interest in me was but it was kind of offsetting. I guess nobody has ever asked me to play with them. She and our neighbor, Maxwell, used to hang out back in grade school. But even back then, they kind of forced their friendships on me. Still, I've never been invited somewhere. Mainly because my mom's middle name is 'NO'. "I'll get in trouble if I'm not back before my parents get back."

"I promise you that I can get you back before either your parents notice that you're gone." I scratched my head as I glanced between her and the bins. "They won't know a thing."

"Alright," I said, giving in. I had no reason to completely trust nor believe her but I did want a friend. Lord knows that I need one right about now. "But if I get caught, I'm never talking to you again."

"Where's the trust?" She smiled as she got up and held her hand out.

I took her hand as she lifted me to my feet. "In my room, where I'm supposed to be." Once I was standing next to her, our eyes met one another and she kind of stood there in a gaze. As if my eyes were headlights and she was a Buck. Her facial expression wasn't one of shock. Her face was one that I couldn't read. She wasn't nonchalant, nor.., I don't know. The only way I feel like I could explain it is that she literally got lost in my eyes. Sometimes, I forget my own eye color from me not looking in the mirror that often. And more than often, I completely forget what I look like. I snapped her out of it by saying, "unless you want to stay here and come in." I instantly regretted my words since there was never a point in time where I was allowed to have company over. There's also the fact that throughout my sixteen-year life expectancy, I've never had people that I could define as friends. I've known her practically all my entire life and we're acquaintances at best. Same with Maxwell. But I know they're good people.

She has something that I want to show you." She held out her hand and I hesitated to take it. "Do you not trust me?"

"You haven't given me a reason to. If you promise me that you won't kill me-"

"I promise I won't kill you," she chuckled.

"And that I'll be home before my parents do."

She raised three fingers in the air while saying, "scouts honor."

"Were you a scout?" She held her hand back out while only smiling, not answering the question. I sighed and took her hand in mine before following her to her house. I was nervous, being that I've never left my house like this. My mom's strict. I don't mean that in a 'she wants me home by a certain time' type of way. There are times where I have to ask to come out of my room. Such as when company comes over. I have plenty of family that I've never seen. . For me, going over this chick's house felt as if I were breaking some law. Punishable by a skillet. She never actually hit me with a skillet or even tried to, but I wouldn't put it past her. She actually may be clinically insane now that I think about it.

Once we reached her room, I was in awe. There was nothing too special about it but it seemed way more comfortable than my attic. I didn't want to make it obvious that I was surprised but she had a beanbag chair. My kindergartener teacher had one and whenever I was tired, she'd let me take a nap on it. I nearly dove in it, letting out years of moans from the relief of sleeping on what was a literal rock in comparison to this chair. "You okay?"

"Mhm..." I nodded as my eyes shut for a second. "I'm just... not used to being comfortable. This is different." I even felt myself smile.

"Open your eyes." I did as she said and she was sitting criss-cross right in front of me with a book in her hand. "This is one of my favorite books; Inhumanity. It's kind of like two stories, loosely inspired by a book named 'Life Is Funny' by E.R Frank. Also a very brilliant book. Anyway, this is what I wanted to show you. And I want you to have it."

I say up while asking, "why? I'm practically a stranger and you're going to give me your favorite book?"

"You're the furthest from a stranger to me. I know we don't talk that much but, erm, I think that you'd like it." She handed me the book and I couldn't help but stare at the name of the book. There wasn't any fancy covering on the book, just the title in black bold letters. "Anyways, when was the last time you played 'Super Mario Brothers'?"

"I think I may have heard of Mario," which was a lie. I hadn't a clue what she was talking about.

"Have you ever played a video game before?" She asked while chuckling a little bit.

"Angry Birds..., basically any free phone game..."

"Those don't count." She got up and walked over to her TV to grab this rectangular thing that almost seemed to look like a tablet. She took her seat in front of me asking, "you know what this is, right?"

I wanted to guess but she just said that my phone's games didn't count so I doubt it's a tablet. "Not in the slightest," I answered.

"It's a Switch," she smiled. "If you asked nicely, I may let you borrow this too."

"I don't get it. Why are you being nice to me? You bring me over here and give me a book and now you're-"

"Y'know, some people are just naturally nice. There doesn't always have to be an explanation for it, Alex. But if it settles your labyrinthine ass mind, I actually like you. I would like to be friends so I'm trying to do what friends do. I believe that we should share stuff, sometimes hug, hold hands, etc." (Side note, she didn't say etcetera. She said 'etc.')

I didn't believe her. I mean, my mom constantly abuses and lies to me about why doing so. If I can't trust the person who birthed me, why should I trust her? But I have to appreciate the effort. I didn't know people were even capable of doing things out of the kindness of their hearts. Nonetheless, I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. "You do know that nobody calls me Alex? That's a white person's name."

"I mean, your name is stupid." I laughed because she was right. I didn't like my name in the slightest. "And I mean that in the best way possible."

"Your name is Molly, bro."

"At least Sumbahd'e put the effort into naming me."

"Because your name is so creative."

"Anyways..," she chuckled, "do you know when your mom is coming back?"

"Nah, she usually gives me a list of shit to do whenever she leaves but I didn't see one today. She could have gone grocery shopping now that I think about it. She actually could be back at any second."

"Should I take you back?"

I shrugged since I didn't want to go home yet, almost making me think that the punishment for coming over here might be worth it. "I don't know."

"How about this; I take you home and if she's not there, we play a quick game. If she comes home before I leave, I'll just sneak out of the back door."

Now, this was something that I wasn't too sure about because, in addition to not having a friend until now, I've never let anyone into my house. Just the thought of it was disquieting. Plus, I don't think I was ready to leave this chair. "Or we can play a quick game and I can go home after. If she's there, I could probably think of something. But if she sees me with you at all, then you'll probably never see me again. Have you ever met her in your attempts to catch me on my way outside?"

"A couple of times. She was weirdly nice to me. Like she made me some cookies once. She usually tells me that you aren't there, which I never believed." I kind of chuckled since that is kind of weird. And instead of telling her to leave, she made some cookies? "Since we don't have much time, we can play a quick game of Mario Kart."

"Alright, who the fuck is Mario?" I was confused. It almost felt like she was starting to make shit up.

"You honestly never heard of him, huh?" She asked in disbelief. I mean, it's not my fault I don't know about these things. "He's this short fat plumber. He went from saving princesses with his brother to racing all of his enemies."

"That sounds dumb."

"Quite literally, everyone thinks that too. But, that is not even the weirdest thing. He also gets into the Olympics with his friends against a hedgehog and characters from their game. " She took the side off the Switch and handed me a little remote.

We did a race with just her and me, with me as Luigi and her as Mario. Apparently, they're brothers. Needless to say, when I found out how to drive and drift, I managed to take the lead. However, it became apparent that she was letting me stay ahead. "Come on, you don't have to take it easy on me because I don't know the game."

"Bold of you to assume I'm taking it easy on you. There's this thing called 'strategy' and for some odd reason, they gave me a red shell while I was first." Immediately after she said that she hit me with her proclaimed red shell and zoomed right past me. And we were on this tiny race track called Baby Park so I watched her circle around me around eight times before I could cross the finish line my third time. I ended up getting a DNF.

Even with me losing, I did have a lot of fun. "Thank you for letting me do this. I have never done anything like this before and I still think I may get in trouble for it but I enjoyed myself. Something that I'm not used to doing. I should probably get going now."

I handed her the remote before standing up as she did the same. "Don't forget your book."

I picked it up and held it to my chest while saying, "trust me, I wasn't. Again, thank you so much." I began walking to the door as she followed from behind me. She did so to her porch. As soon as my eyes met the outside world again, I noticed that my mom's car was coming into view from the very end of the street. With not a second to spare, I booked it through the middle of her house and mine so I could sneak in from the back door, which is never locked.

As soon as I got in the house, I made it to my room and hid the book under my mattress before laying in my bed. I pretended to be asleep as I heard mom rush into the house and aggressively make her way towards my room. I thought that I was dead, that she somehow knew that I left the house. Instead of her accusing me of leaving, she was pissed at the fact that I forgot to put back the garbage bins. I could tell that's what it was by the look in her eye. "What today?" She asked.

"Uh.., Thursday."

"So you knew what day it was but you didn't know to put the fucking bins back? Y'know what, I'ma take a nap. I'ma deal with you later. Do what the fuck you were supposed to do." As she walked away, I couldn't help but wonder why she had me. If I was a mistake then I wonder why she kept me. I could never have a heart-to-heart with her because I wasn't sure if she had one.