If I Had It to Do Over

"Will the Defendant please rise." The bailiff sounded bored out of his gourd. How many times had he said those same words?

I noticed the judge wasn't standing. In an equally boring tone she read, "You have been found guilty by a jury of your peers. It comes now my duty to pronounce sentence. I hereby sentence you to ten years to be served in a federal prison. You are remanded into custody effective immediately." She lifted her gavel to seal the deal.

"Excuse me, Your Honor," I said, raising my hand as if I was still in the third grade. My court-appointed attorney gave me a dirty look. He stepped back as if he'd just encountered a bad smell.

Caught in mid swing, the judge paused, apparently taken aback by this rude interruption.

"Was there something you wished to say?" She forced a congenial-looking smile.

"I was just wondering," I asked as politely as I could under the circumstances, "is that all?"

"You'd like me to tack on more time?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.

Her law clerk smirked a suppressed smile, but couldn't stifle the accompanying snort. Surveying the courtroom, she judged the audience reaction.

"No, that's not what I'm saying," I said. "I was just wondering if your intent was to inflict as much collateral damage as this sentence implies."

"Collateral damage? I don't know what you mean." She looked genuinely confused.

"Well, it's not fair," I said.

"What's not fair about it?" She took off her glasses as if to prepare for a diatribe.

"None of it," I replied. "I'm not saying I'm not grateful. This is the first time the government's every really done anything for me."

That got her attention. She put her glasses back on just to look over the rims. "I'm not sure I'm following you."

"Well, now I'll have time to read, write, and play the piano. I'll be able to make new friends -- quality friends -- where we'll have time for deep discussions over a game of chess. I'll be able to catch up on hundreds of movies without cell phones interrupting or Jehovah's Witnesses knocking. I won't have to worry about taxes or stickers on my license plate or renewing my driver's license. You've removed virtually every responsibility I've ever had. And for that, I'm eternally grateful."

"So what's not fair? Where's the collateral damage?" She was showing signs of irritation.

"Well, for one thing, my lenders. You've sentenced them to never getting paid -- at least not for the next ten years. Setting aside the fact that up until the government froze my accounts, I could have paid most of them the full amount I owed on demand. They're prob'ly never gonna get paid now.

"Then the government managed to reduce $12 million in assets down to less than $4 million. At $12 a month (prison wage), it'll be a while before even the smallest lender gets anything back toward his principal, let alone his interest. You've essentially stolen the only chance 140 lenders ever have of being made whole. I don't think that's right."

"That's not my problem," the judge said dismissively.

"But you've made it theirs.

"Then there's my wife. You've sentenced her to a life of poverty, living on welfare, eating off food stamps, living in HUD-subsidized housing, deepening her depression -- probably contributing to her eventual suicide. That's once-removed murder. That's not very fair."

"You can hardly hold me responsible for your unstable wife," she said, cold and callously.

"I suppose that means you're not responsible for my grand kids not knowing their granddad,

"my kids not having the support I gave them,

"the city, county, state, and federal government being deprived of my tax dollars,

"my church being deprived of its choir director,

"my clients being deprived of someone who cared about their computer needs.

"You'll pardon me if I don't agree with your lack of responsibility, not to mention the estimated $1 million it will cost the government to house me and feed me and take care of my medical needs or the millions you've spent on this trial."

"That would be on you, not me," she said. "You're the guilty party here."

"Not to be contrarian, but I would beg to differ with you on that point as well.

"Whether you knowingly condoned the prosecutor's outright lies as he convinced the jury that contingent liabilities are real losses, thereby giving them reason to believe I lied, when I said they weren't, or whether you just sat back and watched in the belief that it's better for a few innocents to go to prison than to let some truly guilty people off the hook -- only you know.

"I would argue that guilt is not determined by a jury, but by the individual who either did or did not knowingly commit a crime.

"My only crime was telling the truth, which conflicted with the lies the prosecutor was promulgating."

"Then your lawyer should have challenged on that point. That's not my job."

"No, Your Honor.

"Your job was to suppress the testimony that was pertinent to my case and limit the amount of resources my court-appointed attorney had access to after allowing the prosecutor to freeze all my assets so they specifically could not be used to hire a lawyer who could properly defend me."

"I'm not here to debate with you the merits of the judicial system," the judge intoned. "You asserted my sentence was unfair in that it created collateral damage. Against my better judgment, I've allowed you to address that issue. Are you through?"

"Actually no, Your Honor. Encompassed in your sentence is a virtual death sentence. I'm a diabetic, with sleep apnea and a history of heart disease. Medical care inside prisons is notoriously sparse. I'll probably die incarcerated. Your sentence is effectively a death sentence, which, as I understand it, is against the law here in Hawaii."

"Are you through now?"

"Not by a long shot.

"I'm a vegetarian. My sources of protein are limited because of my religious beliefs. Within a prison environment, they border on malnutrition. A vegetarian's source of protein within the BOP is limited to eggs once or twice a week, a chemical metaphor for cheese and what amounts to milky water, which passes for milk for breakfast although I hear it's a virtual Starbucks when it comes to pastries."

"Now are you through?"

"You shut down my language learning site by freezing my assets. How many hundreds or thousands or even hundreds of thousands of people who would have been able to learn to speak and read and write in English or the second language of their choice will now be stuck with inferior more expensive alternatives through your sentence.

"I would lobby for a truth-in-sentencing law that requires you to do a comprehensive study of just what effect your sentence has on the alleged victims, family, friends, clients and customers, and communities when you deprive them of the influence of the person you're supposedly protecting them from."

"Well, Mr. Ruskjer, I'll take that under advisement. And I'll further rule that whether you are or are not done, you're finished. This court is adjourned."