I Thought Time Would Heal Everything

I know it's going to be Painful, what I have thrown myself into. Is it going to be ok? I hope so.

I know this one thing for sure I'll be ok, no matter what happens.

This is what I used to think my love, because why not? As I have always pulled myself together.

Remember when we used to walk in winter, sometimes holding hands, bumping into each other. You mostly look at me in the eyes when we talk, even if we were walking, you always wanted to hold my hand, sometimes I leave yours but you always find your way back.

Remember when it started raining one evening, that loud burst of sudden thunder. It seemed like the sky was longing to cry for a long time and that mere cry was not enough, it had to scream, it had to show the world its pain, its anger, an impulse of high voltage burning everything in its path. I was out of reality but then you pulled me back when you suddenly jolted and grab me out of the fear.

We used to sit together most of the time. Just starring at the sky when the words were exhausted, all the discussion of the world had come to an end, when there was nothing left to talk about, you sat beside me, just feeling the air, the slow spin of this planet, the shinning of the stars along with our lonesome moon. "The moon always shined so brightly", you used to say, "Though it had no light of its own, in comparison, there are many massive bright stars in the sky, but there's always the moon for us in the darkness of the night, why? Because it is close to us, we can feel it in the waves of the water, we can see it with our eyes, it may not be perfect, but it's close to us".

That time was the best time of all time. Ah! The Time, Time has always been my enemy, it was never enough for me, it ended everything, best of things, Time is cruel, ruthless and harsh. But it has to be, you know, the duty that God bestowed on time, to clear out the old, to unburden this world of the Obsolete, to come clean of the extinct with the aim to replace them.

How can you replace people, my love? Without being relentless, without being merciless, without being Cruel.

I think of you every time I walk, and I walk a lot, I think of the talks we talked about, the memories we shared, the dreams we dreamed, and the plans we planned

It's raining now, my love, as I am writing this letter to you which I can never post.

I remember when we came out of the hospital, "you have it, the final stage, inoperable, liver cancer, I am afraid you have only a few months, if lucky, maybe a year" He said.

How can it be? I asked myself when we came out of the hospital, the world was still spinning, I saw regularity, it shouldn't have been, I thought. But it was.

You were quiet, expressionless, I can't figure out what was going on in your thoughts, I think of this often, what were you thinking when we came out of the hospital. Were you thinking at all? Or thousands of thoughts at once? Was it inevitable? Where did it all go wrong?

I saw things, People, and places. They all look the same the way you left them. But all I have now are memories of us with them. I feel something's changed in them after you left. What was it? I don't know. But you took something when you left that they never remained the same.

It's just getting harder to live on, the only thing we do naturally, to live. I am thinking about life, what is it to live now without you, wake up, eat, work and sleep. Even these meaningless chores are becoming impossible to carry on, I always thought that time will heal everything, but the way you left me, I know now, that I was wrong.

You left me with the pain I cannot endure anymore, I hate you, my love.

I hate you for leaving me alone in this crashing world. I hate time for changing so abruptly.

But it doesn't matter.

What does matter is that I hate myself, I allowed myself to feel this way. Only I am responsible for the pain I feel. It wasn't you, it wasn't time. It was me, it has always been me.

I try to live in past, hoping to escape from all of this. Trying to live in the sweet memories, but as you said to me once, smiling "It's not possible to avoid the bitterness of reality, we have to find a way to live in it".

I thought time would heal everything. But Oh God! Was I wrong.

Yours truly,