I Never Want to See That Creepy Old Barn Again

None of us had ever been in a barn before, so that was cool. But that was the only cool thing about it. Henry’s girlfriend was moaning about how we should stay in the van and wait for help. But Henry thought he remembered there being a town not too far away and we could go to the gas station and get some gas, beer, and smokes. Maybe we should have left Henry’s girlfriend in the van. Anyway, we all start walking — me, Joey, Henry, Henry’s girlfriend, and Sid. There was no town.

We keep walking and that’s when it starts pouring. Like seriously cats and dogs, right? Henry swears he saw a tornado too, but nobody else saw it. This ancient-ass barn is just across the field, so we run for it.

Joey says, “Babe.” He always calls me “Babe.” He goes, “Babe, we totally gotta put on a show or a festival here. This place is sick!”

He’s always yapping about where we’re gonna put on a festival, but we never do, so whatever. But, this place isn’t sick. It smells like death and half the roof is gone.

“Oh yeah,” I say, “we’ll call it Shit Fest.”

Henry says, “Or how about Fucked Fest.”

Henry’s girlfriend tries to be funny. She says, “What about Barn Fest? I’m gonna instagram that.” She pulls out her phone and takes a selfie with a piece of hay hanging out of her mouth and making duckface.

Henry has this look on his face like she just farted, but he can’t say anything. Joey and I roll our eyes, then Joey says, “At least we know who’s first on the barbecue when we’re still trapped here in a week.”

Henry’s girlfriend shoots him bitchy eyes, and Henry sucker punches Joey and they both laugh. Henry’s girlfriend is like “I didn’t think it was funny. You’re always saying shit like that, Joey.”

So I butt in, cause I’m always trying to smooth things with them. I say something like, “Let’s drop it dudes.”

Then Joey gets this mega serious look, and I’m starting to think he’s scared. He says, “No, I’m serious. We shouldn’t have taken that road. It didn’t look safe to me. I’m not trusting you on directions again.” He pulls out his phone and looks at it. “Ah crap, no reception.”

We all take out our phones, and no one had anything.

Sid is sitting on a hay bale and smoking. He says, in his English accent that makes everything he says sound smart, “Maybe it’s cause we’re inside this place. Someone should go outside and check.” It’s Sid’s idea so Joey tells him that he should do it himself. Sid comes back after a few minutes and is just shaking his head.

Now it’s starting to get dark, and we look around for a light switch. That’s when we figure out that there’s no electricity. Our phones are going to die before morning if we don’t figure out how to charge them. Sid suggests that we might be able to charge them in the van, even if it still won’t start. The van is still at least a mile away, though. With how fast it’s getting dark and with the rain, anyone who walks to the van will have to use their phone’s flashlight, which will kill their battery even more.

Henry’s girlfriend is walking around and holding her phone above her head. “You getting anything?” asks Henry.

“No, still nothing,” she says.

We go around and everyone says how much battery they have left. I have 27%. Henry’s girlfriend has 11. I say we should put our phones into low battery mode and stop checking them. Henry’s girlfriend is seriously freaking out now, saying how we are gonna be stuck, with our phones all bricked, and no way to get help.

Then it gets really dark. There are animals outside. We have no idea if there are bears or whatever, and you can’t even shut the door to this place. We all sit there with our phones lighting our faces.

“I guess this is it,” says Joey. He’s serious, too.

“Oh fuck, 3 percent,” says Henry’s girlfriend. “I’m gonna try running to the van.”

“You’ll never make it in time, with how fast you’re going down,” says Henry. So, Henry’s girlfriend just looks at her phone and pouts.

I say “So, we just wait until all our phones are dead and a bear eats us, or we starve? Not me dudes.” I run out of the barn. Joey starts to follow me and yells something about the van before he turns back.

I get to the road, and I still have 10% charge. Best of all is that I have a 3G signal now. It’s slow, but it’ll do. I open maps. It turns out there’s a gas station about 2 miles further down the road, so I go for it. I have 1% left when I get there. The guy lets me plug my phone in, I buy a pack of smokes, and I sit on the curb outside.

After an hour, I go back into the store, and I have 30%. But now I’m getting greedy, right? I want it to be up to 100% before I go back there. So, I go back out onto the curb and wait another hour. When I go back in this time, I’m up to 55%. Goddamn it, what’s taking so long? I buy a water and go back to the curb.

Only this time, I fell asleep out there, right on the curb with my chin on my chest. The guy from the gas station comes out a while later — I have no idea how long it’s been. But he’s closing up and wants me to know. I ask if I can use the bathroom, and he gives me the code to punch in.

While I’m in the bathroom, he’s locking up the store, and I see him driving off when I come out. And my phone is still in the gas station store! I can see it on the counter, still plugged in. It’s probably up to 100% by now. But, I can’t get to it.

Meanwhile, my friends are probably getting mauled by bears. At least the rain stopped for now. But I can’t leave without my phone, so I go back into the bathroom and look for a window into the store or something. I walk around the building looking for a way in. Still nothing, except if I break the front window. I’m not about to go to jail in the middle of nowhere. So, I sit on the curb all night, until the guy comes back and opens again.

I tell him what happened, and he’s super sorry and asks if I want a coffee. I just want my damn phone! I get it, and I have like 100 text and insta messages wondering where we are, why we didn’t make to the show, then they were mad at me, then worried. I respond to them all, and it was all cool after I say what happened. I post on Instagram too, and it gets a ton of likes. One guy asks if he can do a GoFundMe, and I say sure. So, I’m thinkin’ we’ll see how worried people really are, right?

Meanwhile, I get a ride back into town and make it to the house and pass out. When I wake up, I have all these messages about the GoFundMe. It’s blowing up! We raised like $2,000!

So, Johnny from the cafe downstairs says he’ll give me a ride back out to the creepy barn if I buy him gas and lunch. I say yes and we go. Dude, when we finally get there, they had pushed the van to the barn so they could charge. They hadn’t eaten in two days and looked like fuckin’ zombies. Now the van’s battery is dead, plus it’s out of gas. Johnny and I brought gas, but we didn’t have jumper cables. Everyone got into Johnny’s car, and we just left the van there.

That was the worst night of my life, and I never want to see that creepy old barn again.