I'm Being Discriminated Against!

Oh my god! I am being discriminated against.

I walked into a restaurant, wishing to support a local business and I let the owner know

“Hello, I have no money. I want to come in.”

Well, I was berated and embarrassed when the owner calmly said I was not allowed in! I, as is my right, because of the constitution, demanded to know on what grounds does he have the right to discriminate against the unmoneyed. Well! I was shocked when he, in disbelief, began to explain the right of business owners to refuse service, the technicality that not paying for food counts as theft, and that I was currently making a scene.

I have never faced anything like that in my life!

So I returned the next day, with money. I was ready to make amends and behave accordingly. Well! Apparently this is Nazi Germany because the owner comes up to me, and before I could show him I have money, he asks me;

“Sir, why are you not wearing pant?”

EXCUSE ME! I thought this was Ireland, not a packed train to the camps! The gall of him to expect me to wear pants! Is it not my right to walk around with my exposed penis out! My body, my choice! So what if it’s not “hygienic” and “upsetting to the family sitting across” from me! So what if the waiter I screamed at began crying! And then the police who came weren’t understanding at all. Ever since Covid they just come up with all these new laws to control us! “Public Indecency”; you ever hear of such nonsense!

So I returned the next day, determined not to let Big Brother push me around. I sit down and even made a point to call the owner over and show him my pants.

“Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

“OH COME ON! I’m wearing pants this time!”

“Yes, I can see that, but the pattern on them just says “Fuck Eskimos” over and over. It’s offensive both as a swear and towards a whole group of people, as well as upsetting in general.”

Well, well, well! I see the global cabal of Eskimos have managed to control this part of the world too. First the Arctic Tundra, now this! I was being silenced, with my only outlets being Twitter, Youtube, Facebook, Tiktok, Instagram, Whatsapp, Bitchute, Reddit, and the local newspaper who picked up on the story after I called them.

So I returned the next day. I had money, I had pants on, and this time I made sure they were appropriate (I even decided against the ones that had “Juicy” on the bum just to be safe). And so the owner comes over to me and says;

“Sir, are you fully vaccinated?”

“Yes I am.”

“May I see your vaccine pass?”

“Sure here you go.”

I hand it to him and he looks at me suspiciously. I enquired.

“What?”

“Nothing, I just thought you were going to be unreasonable again.”

“No. Why would I be? It’s not discriminatory to have reasonable expectations of your customers. Plus, it helps keep you, your employees, and your other customers safe, and helps keep your business open and recover from being in lockdown. Plus, even if I wasn’t fully vaccinated, as soon as I was I’d be allowed in so it’s not like it’s a big deal. Only an idiot would think that’s discrimination.”

“Sir… Are you masturbating?”

In conclusion, I will not be returning to the Nazi Eskimo controlled Murphy’s Gastropub for the foreseeable future.