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I Hate Vampires

A short fiction piece about the worst and most overused monster around.

By KaciePublished 2 years ago 4 min read
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Let me start off by expressing my hatred towards vampires: I hate them. They have become one of the most overused monsters in today's culture, and don't ask me how that happened because I have absolutely no clue. Also, they went from Nosferatu ugly to Edward Cullen handsome and sexualized to hell. Since when was murder and blood-sucking attractive? A vampire can bite someone's neck and it's considered hot but any normal person does it and it's called murder with a possible life sentence to follow. Now that you understand my stance with vampires, let me tell you how much it sucks that I've become one.

I'm walking home as usual after my shift at McDonalds when I notice some creep trying to hide behind a dumpster. He probably didn't expect I would notice him but being a young female in the 21st century I have become pretty aware of my surroundings (especially around any establishment on par with McDonalds). So, I put some pep in my step and get my phone out of my pocket to try and scare him away. Little did I know that this man is some Olympic runner and before I can even send out a tweet, I've got someone's teeth in my neck. Obviously I freaked out and went Jackie Chan on his ass. I did what Sandra Bullock taught me in 'Miss Congeniality' and performed S.I.N.G (swift hits to the solar plexus, in-step, nose and groin). This got the little sucker off of me but it was too late.

As he runs off into the night from which he came I'm left bleeding out of two sharp puncture marks on my neck. As I fall to the ground I can't help but think about how these new scars are going to totally ruin my selfie game and for that I'm pissed. I've also seen enough about vampires that I figure out pretty quickly the situation I've found myself in might result in my untimely transformation into a sparkling vampire.

I can't help but be reminded of a moment in my high school English class. We were assigned to read a short story about an old man who also happened to be a vampire. He befriends this weird girl who ends up discovering his secret. And do you know what this kinky chick does? She thinks it's hilarious and offers her neck to him as a joke. Can you guess what happened next? She obviously got bit by the old man! You have to be a special kind of stupid to offer your neck to a vampire and not expect it to be eaten up on a silver platter. So, I mention in class how it was honestly kind of her own fault for what happened. It's like going up to Santa Clause on Christmas Eve and telling him he's fat- of course he's going to put you on the naught list and fill that stocking of yours with straight coal. Sometimes the answers to things are simply staring us right in the face. Guess what though? I get called a "victim-shamer" for my opinion and am written off just like that.

Well, if she did nothing wrong in that situation then what the hell did I do?! I'm just walking home from my 9-5 where I get screamed at all day for the broken ice cream machine and missing pickles on Big Macs. They must have been attracted to the grease smell wafting around me. Yeah, that must be it. Otherwise, vampires suck even more for going after hardworking people like me.

Two days have passed since the vampire incident and I've been trying to think of unique ways to acquire blood ever since. There's no way I'm going to hurt or even kill people just to eat. I could always work at a hospital or blood bank, those are obvious blood havens. Then, there's the nasty idea that I've wondered why vampires never took advantage of for years. Yes, I know it's nasty, but seriously think about it: female periods. That's all I have to say right there. Absolutely foul idea, but tell me that vampires couldn't take advantage of those in certain ways.

As I'm planning where to get my food source I hear a news story pop up on my TV that catches my attention.

Breaking News:

A local man, Jason Higgins, 56, was caught last night behind a McDonalds. He was arrested after several attempts at capturing young women. These women alerted police to Higgins and shared the startling fact that he also tried to bite their necks during the abduction attempts. We are thankful that the police investigation has ended in the arrest of this dangerous man.

Very odd though about his tactics though, huh Craig?

Yes Carrie, completely agreed. It appears as though someone watched 'Twilight' one too many times.

*Laughter*

Oh. Well, I still hate vampires.

Fantasy
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About the Creator

Kacie

Just an aspiring writer trying to gain experience :)

Follow my adorable kitties on Instagram and Tiktok @joethehoe.finnforthewin <3

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