I Go Where the Universe Wants Me

The day I discovered that I could travel around without crossing through space, it was raining like the end of the world and I had a craving for ice cream. Is that weird? Most people want ice cream when it's hot, but I think it's best when the sky's coming down, and you're inside and can...that's not the important part, is it? Point is, I was sitting there quite peacefully, thinking that I could go for some ice cream but couldn't justify going outside, and then I was standing under the awning at the ice cream place down the street. Nothing really dramatic, no loud pop or flash of light, I was just there! So I walked inside for a swirl cone - is that weird, that I still got the ice cream? - and then when I walked out the door, I was back in my place, and the cone hadn't even dripped a bit.

You probably think that's crazy...well, maybe YOU don't, given the circumstances. Most people would say it's impossible, that it's magic. It only seems like sorcery if you don't understand cutting edge physics and probabilities and the underlying nature of time. It's not really impossible, just cosmically unlikely - but even things that are cosmically unlikely still happen somewhere in the cosmos from time to time. I figured I was just blessed by the universe and pushed it out of my head.

So a month goes by, and I'm at this club - can't remember the name, but it's that really rough-looking place we were too scared to go to when we were kids. It's not that bad on most nights if you want to know, but this was a really bad night. I don't know the whole story - two guys fighting over something, other people join in, and no one knows why - and I'm wishing I'm out of there, that I'd just stayed home. And then suddenly I'm home, and I'm safe! Well, mostly - the cosmos chose to send me home in midair, so the first thing I noticed was the floor coming up fast and smacking me in the face. Physics and probabilities are funny like that, you know.

Now that's it happened twice, I'm wondering if this isn't some sort of power I have, maybe I turned on a superhero switch somewhere along the line. So I'm out at the cabin - you remember the one, the place where we took that long weekend, where we found that really good whiskey? - and I am not looking forward to the trip back. You slept through most of it so maybe you don't remember, but it's a good 14 hours, and that is one long drive. I get to thinking that maybe, if the universe is in a really good mood, I can save some time. I close my eyes, I picture my place, I picture my couch just like on that rainy day, and...it would be really great if this worked, didn't it? It didn't.

No big loss, except just as I was getting ready to leave for real, my superhero switch turned back on, and I ended up in a first-class seat on some airplane without a ticket. It was coming back here, I'll say that, so the universe didn't quite shaft me, but boy did I have a lot of explaining to do. You think it's tough when you walk through security with a pocket knife on you? Try blinking into the material plane on the actual plane without a good story to explain how you got there. They weren't in a mood to hear about physics and probabilities.

Was that too long? I feel like I needed to explain how confusing this has been, because if you're shocked, well, imagine what it's like for someone in my place who just gets yanked out of general continuity from time to time. Anyway, I'm terribly sorry for ruining your dinner party. I had no intention of showing up at all, and of course no plan to crash through the table like that. Don't worry, I'm sure I'll be back home any second. Maybe now...okay, NOW.