I Fell In Love With Her

"Sammy left me," I wrote in my journal. That's what my therapists told me to do. Write it down, they said. You'll feel better, they said.

All I felt was pain. Pain in my heart and soul so bad that it made my stomach burn. I tried writing more, but the tears that fell onto the page caused it to rip when the tip of the pen ran across it.

So, I placed my head on my pillow instead. I pulled my comforter up to my chest. The thoughts were coming back, the memories, the questions of how I could have been a better fiancé, and why I wasn't good enough.

The memory of our last conversation was the worst of it all...

"You want me to do everything for you. You want me to take you everywhere. When are you going to do stuff for yourself?" Sammy asked.

"What do you mean?"

Sammy threw his hands up, clearly frustrated. "Look around you, Meghan. you don't know how to cook, you don't know how to clean. You don't even have a job! I do everything for you. You need to grow up!"

I couldn't even get another word in because he left, slamming the door behind him. I followed him to his car, but he wouldn't even look back at me. His engine revved loudly before he drove off at a high speed.

I called. I texted. I left countless voicemails.

No reply. That was, until the next morning.

In the four years we've been together, we had amazing times. We travelled and moved in together. We were heading down the aisle. I realized that emotionally you never moved. You never grew. So, I'm leaving before you bring me down too. Thanks for the memories, Meghan. Goodbye.

I wasn't even worth a face-to-face conversation. Was I worth anything at all? That's all I kept thinking about as my pillow was wet with tears.

I don't even know when I fell asleep. It didn't matter anyway because when I opened my eyes, I was still exhausted.

BANG BANG BANG!

The knock on my apartment door startled me so much, I sat up quickly.

Was it Sammy? Did he want to give me another chance? At that point, it was a month later, but I still would have given anything to have him back.

I walked over, took a deep breath and opened the door.

"Meghan, how are you feeling?"

It wasn't Sammy; it was my best friend from high school, Joy. She must have detected the disappointment on my face. She always did.

"I don't want to talk about it," I said, opening the door wider for her to come inside. Maybe a part of me did want to talk about it. Internally, I was grateful for her company.

Instead of coming in, she pulled at my arm. "We're not talking. We're going out."

"No, Joy, I'm really not in the mood for that." I gestured at her that I was still in my pajamas.

"I got a change of clothes for you in the car, now, let's go." She pulled at my arm and locked the door behind me. Reluctantly, I agreed.

I changed my clothes in the bathroom of the lobby of the restroom of my apartment complex. As I was leaving, I caught a glance of myself in the mirror: it was a lime, leafy green colored dress that fit my body very well, my favorite color. Through the pain, something about that dress gave me a small mustard seed size of hope. Maybe I was worth something. Maybe I was beautiful. Maybe someone could fall in love with me again, and hopefully never leave.

I left the bathroom and stepped into the car. "Where are we going?"

Joy patted my hand gently. "You'll see."

She rolled down the window and let the breeze hit us as we drove along the coast of the beach. I watched the water in the distance. I watched children making sandcastles, laughing and splashing up water as they ran into it.

Finally, we reached our destination: MS. JULES HAIR SALON AND SPA

"Joy, what are we doing here?"

"We're getting you dolled up."

I laughed, thinking she was joking. "Dolled up? Me? No. I haven't been in there in years. They'll laugh at me."

"I won't take no for an answer. Come on. It's my treat!"

And so, we walked into the salon. Ms. Jules welcomed me with the warmest embrace I've felt in months.

"I missed you, baby girl," she said. "Let's get you back to feeling yourself again."

She took me to the shampoo bowl, leaned me back and wash my hair with a fresh mint and tea tree shampoo. As she scratched my head, something in me was clearing out too. Something in me started to feel...good...worthy...loved.

She walked me to her chair and asked, "You tell me, how do you want me to style it today?"

I paused and thought about it. After taking a deep breath, I said, "Please, make me, look like myself again."

Within the next hour, as she did my hair, unbeknownst to me, Joy was setting it up for me to get a pedicure and a massage; all things I used to love to do years before I met Sammy.

I looked in the mirror at myself observing the fresh afroed pixie cut, French pedicured nails and relaxed muscles. I was shocked. I was smiling. I was crying. I was...beautiful.

By that time, it was 3:30 in the afternoon. Joy drove up to my apartment and parked the car.

"I hope you enjoyed today."

I sat there and glanced at myself again in the side-view mirror of the car, almost unrecognizable, in the best way.

"Thank you," I said, "For letting me see myself again."

For the first time in a while, I smiled through the tears.

Joy hugged me and made sure I made it back into my apartment safely before she headed back home.

I sat in my apartment in front of the journal again, but this time, I didn't write anything. Instead, I opened my laptop and began to write the title:

THE DAY I FELL IN LOVE WITH HER by Meghan Smith

That book took me two years to write and publish. In that time, I walked in nature again. I painted again. I danced and laughed again. I rediscovered myself and I fell in love, with me.

Now I travel all over the world as a motivational speaker and author encouraging women, men, boys and girls to start by loving the most important person in your life that will always be with you:

Yourself.

MESSAGE FROM THE AUTHOR:

Love yourself, know your value, take yourself on dates. You're worthy of that and so much more. May this story be an everlasting reminder that love and happiness is a personal choice, a lifetime goal and an ever evolving, rewarding experience.